Catch 22
Recently I had a conversation about Black men with a couple of Black men that I admire a lot. We were discussing the ratio of men to women in college and the epidemic of Black men leaving sisters behind for others. This conversation wasn’t your typical discussion on this topic, but rather I got a lot of insight. Now before I go on, let me state for the record that I firmly believe in the credo, ‘to each his own.’ If you want to get you a white girl, then get a white girl. The only time I have a genuine problem with it is when, and I have seen this happen on numerous occasions, a brother who is dating a white girl will drop her hand, or step slightly away from her when he sees a sista coming his way. Come on man, if that’s your girl, then be with your girl. Yes, we see you with your white girl, but we are also going to think that you are weak if you can just leave your girl hanging just because another Black woman is walking in your direction. Anyway, I digress.
I can honestly say, that in my eyes, Black men are the best thing since sliced bread. I love them, and yes, Brothas I realize how difficult it is to be a black man in this country. You are constantly being bombarded with images of crime and success equals money, cars, gold teeth and big booty women. Education is becoming less and less accessible and the Black family has honestly all but disappeared. It’s scary to think that a Black man surviving past the age of 21 is a minor miracle in about 80 percent of this country. Constantly, daily, Black men are being told that they aren’t shit and will never be shit in this country. You can only be told something so many times before you begin to believe it. So it is no wonder that a Brotha who was able to escape these barriers, get past this thinking and get an education and define his own measure of success, is a hot commodity amongst Black women.
Talking with my boys the other night, they explained that a lot of times these men have too many options and take advantage of these options because they know they can. I personally dated a man who told me that because he had more than one degree behind his name and that he had a job and his own place that I was the one who needed to work to keep his attention. I needed to show him how interested I was in him, and prove to him that I was worth his time and interested enough in him to keep him around. Needless to say he got dropped like a bad habit, but honestly, you’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t. I could have stayed with him and sacrificed myself in order to please him, or I could date someone who stands for something completely opposite of my ideals, or I could just get a couple of cats and call it a day. What is the answer? I know one thing is that a lot of times we overlook that good brotha who is trying to do his thing. A lot of times we set in our minds this perfect ideal who is exactly every single thing you think the perfect man should be. I hate to say it, but that doesn’t exist. No one is perfect and everyone will do and say things that will get on your nerves, or that you don’t like, but the trick is to find someone who is most compatible with you and make it work. Find someone who is perfect for you and step out of the fantasy created by television and the media. There are so many good men who just want to treat you right and be good to you but may not fall into the educational, or financial criteria you may have set for yourself. Instead of complaining that there are no good Black men out there, maybe we should stop discounting men before they even open their mouths. The media is doing an excellent job of breaking brothas down, but Sistas, so are we. Maybe that is something we should think about.
Peace!
Comments
Awww ROSE...why today? Why did you have to reach into my heart and pull out the thing that Im struggling with and expose it to -myself- TODAY. Lord have mercy. umm..We need to do lunch tomorrow...as I have have some "to hot for your blog spot" detials. Holla Rose.
Posted by: Ms. Ward - Jackson | June 6, 2006 11:37 AM
Hey Cousin!
I have a couple of things to say...
I too love black men. If you ask me the Blacker the better. However, it is very hard to find a humbled, well educated career driven,ambitious Black man. They know that they are a rare species, and tend to get a little beside themselves. Hence, your old boo.
I have never been the one to try and prove that I worthy of being the "chosen one". We choose each other.I am an attractive, educated Black women with moves to make and things to make happen . I too will have multiple degrees behind my name. We need each other. We compliment each other. We look good together.
Think about the Black community at CAL. There was, at least back in our day, 15 Black women to one Black man. Men were being recycled by the semester. And of course, the men loved it while five different women were loving them. Why? Because they could.
I don't have a problem with interracial dating or marriages. I do have a problem when Black men date women of other races because they think so negatively of Black women.
I understand that people are shaped by their experiences and our opinions about the opposite sex are usually formed by our previous relationships or relationship of others close to us. But, for a Black man to say that all Black women are this...Black women are that...I could never date a Black women because... is unacceptable.
Now, any Black man who would say that is more than likely not my type. He's probably some square ass nigga anyway. However, he is placing all Black women in a negative light for the world to see. If Black men don't love and support Black women, then who else will?
I have asked a few male friends of mine, why do they seem to only date white women?
They said, white women are easy and they f*$k with you with no strings attached. Black women on the other hand, get emotionally attached and want a "relationship". White girls cater to them, and they don't bitch or complain. But, they also said that they would never marry a white women. They could only marry a Black woman.
I guess for some Black men being in a serious relationship means being with a Black woman. For some Black men, dating outside their race means nothing to them becasue one, they are not looking to be a relationship at that particular time and two, they could never bring white guuurrrlll home to mama.
So when you see the brotha throw white gurl's hand down when he see's you walking down the street, don't get mad, just know that it ain't serious and he's probably checkin for you. LOL....
HOLLA!
Posted by: Erika Willis / Cousin | June 6, 2006 03:53 PM
i don't think a black woman would know a good man if, well, if her life depended on it. she's so picky and hell bent on changing a man to her specs.
here is the problem: black men are flawed creatures. he doesn't know how to be a good man. he has let this rotten society define his character---a society is flawed and rotten.
black women want a white knight(read: christian, wealthy and overly generous with gifts) in shining armour. since he's black, he can't possibly make her happy. she too is a flawed creature. she really wants to be blond and blue-eyed. thus, the disjointedness.
i would suggest that both black men and women try atheism and eshew materailism(capitalism).
Posted by: sibanye--nyc black man, 46 | June 6, 2006 07:32 PM
let me start by quoting my sandzimus, who i think stole this from max off of living single:
"Men are like fine wine . . . They start out
as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with."
i start with that to say this: "spare the rod, spoil the child"
am i asserting that men are children...not necessarily, but we'll leave that to the reader's mood and discretion. what i'm saying is, look how things were when black women ruled the coochie with an iron fist - ESP. if u were a church girl!!! and even if you weren't, it was the ultimate disgrace to shame ur mother/father and that household by being promiscuous.
now look @ us...white girls have ass and black women have to PROVE their "class". we have to PROVE whether or not we deserve a companion who's really just beginning a life style some of us have tended for years. it's rediculous. we give into black men SO MUCH, and SO MANY TIMES IT GOES UNNOTICED!!! and y do we do it??? because we love the black man. we love black people...or sometimes we don't, but nevertheless we love the black man. AND DO YOU KNOW, that black men have the nerve to talk about sistah's movin on to multicultural/racial ventures??? WHEN THEY'VE BEEN DOIN IT SINCE BREEDING DAYS!!! U KNO..WHEN THEY WERE FORCED TO BE WITH VARIOUS WOMEN AND WE WERE RAPED AND VIOLATED BY VARIOUS BLACK AND NON-BLACK MEN - SCARRING US FOR GENERATIONS!!!
u kno..i want to go on an insane rant right now..but i have another "black man against the world problem right now" - i gotta find a job.
so in conclusion, i love black men. i really do. but i just want to know how long i have to give encouragement, comfort, love, and goodwill from an empty vessel that no one - ESPECIALLY NOT A BLACK MAN - ever thinks about refilling?
Posted by: Mic Jones | June 9, 2006 11:57 AM
o, and by the way - shot out to sibanye --nyc black man, 46.
i don't want a knight. that's nonsense. i want a man who WORKS and who can hold a decent conversation every ONCE IN A WHILE. a man who can laugh out loud when he really feels it in his gut; a man who takes time to be silent, pensive, and introspective. a man who can admit his mistakes, and not CRUCIFY me for mine. a man who will LOVE HIS WOMAN AND CHILDREN (should there be any) because - along with and according to the true meaning of love - he puts them before himself. i want a man i can cook good food for, a man i can give baths and massages to, a man i can pamper because he DESERVES it. and while he may think he's the shit and i kno he's the shit - cuz he's my man - he doesn't show it because that would detract from him bein the shit, which makes him the grand poobah of the shit.
let's review: good man = WORK, ABILITY TO CONVERSATE, CONTEMPLATE, LAUGH, AND LOVE.
is it REALLY that hard???
and finally my brotha: don't take this as a stab @ you, but a stab @ your words. if wounded - heal, learn, and grow. if not - go on wicha bad self. 3 luv
Posted by: Mic Jones | June 9, 2006 12:14 PM