Brandelyn: Lyrical Contradiction

Gray

I have a friend
who is turning gray,
not just her hair,
and I do not know
why this is so.

Is it a lack of vitamin E
pantothenic acid, or B-12?
Or is it from being frantic
and alone?

'How long does it take you to love someone?'
I ask her.
'A hot second,' she replies.
'And how long do you love them?'
'Oh, anywhere up to several months.'
'And how long does it take you
to get over loving them?'
'Three weeks,' she said, 'tops.'

Did I mention I am also
turning gray?
It is because I *adore* this woman
who thinks of love
in this way.

~Alice Walker

Have you ever gone somewhere, like a restaurant or a coffee shop and gotten something that was HELLA good…unexpectedly great to the point where you couldn’t wait to go back and get another one? But then when you go back, its made by a different person, or maybe even by the same person, but it just doesn’t taste or feel the same? Something about it is different and doesn’t have the same impact it once did. Suddenly you’re disappointed and you leave discouraged, upset because you thought that you had found something new. Yet I had the realization recently that this does not only apply to eateries, this can also apply to people.

I recently ran into a guy I talked to for a few months, and when we were dating…man oh man. I thought he was the best thing since sliced bread. Everyday was something new and exciting. He would introduce me to new things and experiences and we really had a great time together. It ended ultimately because we were both two moody ass artists with selfish tendencies and high expectations, so things kind of fizzled out, but ended on a good note. No harm done. I ran into him a few weeks ago and for the first day it was just like old times. We laughed and talked and fell right back into our grove. It was great, but then I don’t know. Something changed and I realized that things weren’t the same, or maybe they were just a little too much the same. In the months that we had spent apart, we really became two different people and the distance that was created between us, grew even greater because it just tasted different. I have to admit that I found myself to be disappointed because deep down I always thought I could have something special and long term with this person, but alas (that’s for you De’Aunta) all I could do was leave disappointed and discouraged that things were not meant to be between us. I guess I can say at least I realized this earlier this time instead of investing my feelings again. But man, I wanted it to be like it was the first time.

Maybe I am turning gray. I’m so busy living my life for myself that I acknowledge that I am still closed for renovation. Last night at a poetry spot, I realized after I left that, while I was in the midst of a hodge-podge of beautiful men, I was not checking for a single one of them! And if any of them were checking for me, it would not have made a bit of difference. I am literally unconcerned and unavailable and completely content and happy with that. One day soon, I’ll start taking my B-12 and vitamin E, but for now, I’ll simply enjoy being Gray…

Peace Y’all!