"It is time"
When I imagine my life, I think of long weekends, oils burning, ‘honest music set to guitar strumming’, candles, and warm breezes. I think of laughter and sparkling wine and Sunday dinners and ‘Living Single’ Marathons. I think about poetry and art and museums and bookstores and plays. I think about music and softness. I think about peace.
I’ve always been a dreamer. Always had my head in a book and, dreaming up fantasies and stories that I wished were my own life. I can attribute that to always getting in trouble as a kid and using books to entertain myself when going outside was not an option (hi Mom). But as 27 looms in front of me, I realize that I haven’t been taking full advantage of my dreams. I realize that I have been clinging with my fingertips to the lifestyle I have always imagined for myself, but have yet to make any REAL and drastic moves to make that happen. I realized yesterday while I was at the gym, that I am not fully utilizing my power. I have the power to make some serious decisions about my life and the way I live it, but I am not taking advantage of that right. I asked myself who was it that decided that when you graduated from college you only had one of two choices, 1. Get a job and start building up a 401k and get married and all that jazz or 2. Go to graduate or professional school to prolong the inevitable, i.e. getting a job. Yesterday, in my moment of clarity I realized that I have always done things slightly non-traditionally, and have always sort of blazed my own path. Although I do have a job that I enjoy, whenever someone asks me what I do, I say that I am a writer. First and foremost, but am I? I’ve been half ass working on my new novel, mainly because my job is seeping into my career, slowly sucking away all of my free time. I know now, that I have some serious choices to make in my life. I know now that I have the capabilities to step outside of the ‘norm’ and make my dreams happen, my way. I’m not too young to create a life for myself. To set myself up so I can actually be a Writer.
In the scope of life, I don’t want things that are far-fetched. I just don’t want to have to answer to anyone, have anyone breathing down my neck asking me to do things and conform my work ethic to fit someone else’s standard. If I need to go home to LA to see my family I want to be able to do that without having to go through anything other than travel arrangements. I want to wake up in the morning and have to pray, not to keep me from hurting somebody, but a prayer of thanks for the fulfillment of promises and dreams. There is absolutely no reason whatsoever that I can’t make these things happen, that I can’t support myself by myself and not be a slave to making money. I just want to be comfortable, I want to be able to live my life, but more importantly be fulfilled by my work. As you get older, I’ve seen it happen a million times, dreams begin to slip and responsibilities begin to take precedence over everything else you try to do. I feel that, but I also feel like this is the last time in my life that I am going to get to be irresponsible. This is my last chance to make decisions based on what Brandelyn wants, so I might as well take advantage.
My book is finally in production and the advance copies will be mailed out to me next week. When I got the email from my publisher, I didn’t get excited; instead, I felt a huge calm wash over me. I felt like I was ready to do this. I was ready to put my dreams into motion and make it happen. I know that I can take the calm feeling I have as a good thing. God does not live in chaos. Just give me a year…just give me a year…
Peace,
B
Comments
Ah yes, I know the feeling BC. Paving your own way can be a bitch. But I know, as you probably do, and so many others out there, there is no other path out there for me except the road that has yet to be travel. In the thick of the hard times, I relish in the small victories that let me know I'm on to something and draw strength from others who have chosen unique journeys and achieved their dreams. And at the end of the day, I figure if I'm going to travel my own path I might as well give it all I've got and I risk making a fool of myself on daily basis. But, I’ve come to know that being a fool isn’t so bad. At some point, I've begun to take myself seriously. And as time goes on, I'm not the only one that believes in my power, my abilities and my dreams.
A retired administrator from Berkeley asked me where I see myself in the future. He wasn’t particularly interested in the nuances of my vision. He asked because he thought I should know my vision down to the details of the room in which I stood, the people with whom I interacted and the clothes that I wore in my wildest dreams. He wanted me to envision my future audaciously to the extent that it became tangible. I can honestly say that it has. As time passes, more of my future and my dreams have become my present—a palpable result of my own power. But the best part of it all is that my future is still in its infancy stage and its’ going to be absolutely amazing to see it mature and grow, more so, into its own.
To quote the scripture, actually I’m pretty sure it’s an Oprahism, which is pretty much scripture today, "luck is when preparation meets opportunity." I’m not sure what particular opportunities are out there for me; my ideas for the immediate future are always in flux. However, I know what I want in the long term and I’m preparing my ass off. And damn it I’m feeling pretty fucking lucky; I expect nothing less then my dreams. I coach myself daily to give everything it takes. You are not alone.
Posted by: J-Dawg | June 12, 2006 02:27 PM