Novel excerpt (as seen on myspace)
Some of you have asked about my new novel. I posted this excerpt on Myspace a few weeks ago to interesting reactions. So i'm posting it here for my new audience. I look forward to your comments, and yes, this is a true story....
B
Prologue
"Fat Bitch!"
The vicious words reverberated over my head forcing me to squeeze my eyes shut and try to shake the weight of the words from my shoulders where they now laid to rest. I looked around me and saw the universal look of pity mixed with anger and confusion from his eyes as he turned back to me to see if I was all right. He turned his head back to the street, his eyes scanning the cars as they continued to pass by. I sucked in a deep breath, and exhaled it, forcing a plastic smile onto my face.
"What the hell was that?" he asked, turning to me once again and scanning my face for a reaction.
"I don't even know who that was,' I said shrugging my shoulders. The decibels of my voice had dropped down to low tones, but I don’t think he noticed, ‘don’t even worry about it.”
"No, for real, what the hell was that?" he asked again.
I sensed that he didn’t know what to say that he had never had anything like that said to him, that he had never had to pretend something hadn't sliced him in half and exposed all of the inner turmoil he felt about himself, bringing to the surface. No he had never been summed up in two words. So anger seemed like the best reaction to take, the reaction that could link him to whatever he guessed I must be feeling. Anger would work, so he ran with it.
"Let it go, honestly," I heard a voice that sounded like mine say, while I stood rooted in my spot, watching myself continue to walk, head held high, shoulders straight, eyes focused. I watched myself walk away, while my soul cowered in the corner and began to shudder from silent tears, 'I've been hearing that kind of stuff since I was a kid. It doesn’t even faze me anymore, seriously. Just let it go."
"I cannot believe that!' he continued, each moment feeling as though he had connected to my feelings, looking over his shoulder, continuing to search for the reason why, unable to take a good honest look into my face, unwilling to truly gage my honest reaction, 'that was so disgusting. Do you even know who that was?"
"No," I said again, feeling something inside of me break with each step we took. My body avoiding looking into any of the glass windows that seemed to go on endlessly as we walked. I knew that I would not be able to see my soul's reflection. I knew that if I were to look all I would see was my body. The body my soul is able outshine, making it seem almost beautiful, almost dull against the light of my soul. But my soul wasn't there. My soul was still in the corner, cowering and cold. I looked back on it, shaking my head sadly, disappointed at its cowardice.
He looked back one last time to search for the car that was long gone.
The day started out better then expected. A power outage at work presented most of Manhattan with an unexpected day off from work. The sun was finally out after so many months of snow and rain, so he and I decided to be bad and head off to do some unnecessary shopping. We strolled slowly and without purpose, stopping in various stores in the West Village, unaffected by the power outage, and vowed to walk out with something from each store we perused. As we stood on the corner of Christopher and Broadway, a white car slowed as it passed. The back window rolled down and a man in the back seat yelled out "Fat Bitch" and spat in my direction before the car peeled off, with the sound of laughter trailing behind it. We stood there for a split second, Branden standing next to me stunned, me standing next to him, stunned, and me standing next to me, shattered. He, continued to walk, shocked and disgusted, tossing out threats, still unable to look me in my face. My body, continued to walk along side him, pretending as though it was just another day, searching my brain for something, anything to change the subject with, but my soul felt like it was snatched from my body and was instantly transported back to those high school days when my weight was the only thing anyone saw. Instantly I became just a fat girl again and all it took was one word from a stranger. One word from a stranger to toss out everything I had accomplished and everything I dreamed to be. One word from a stranger instantly made everything I had on uncomfortable, made me suddenly aware of each article of clothing and jewelry that suddenly irrigated my skin. Yet, my body, with all of its years of experience in pretending that nothing happened found a joke to crack, and a store window to point out, easily successful in convincing him that it was okay. That what they said had not completely shattered any shred of confidence that it had gained since it moved to New York. It was able to convince him that one word had not put it right back to that place where it was nothing. It had accomplished nothing and had never dreamed. One word from a complete stranger made me feel once again, like a fat bitch.
