Brandelyn: Lyrical Contradiction

“I was never in that camp of a night out with someone is better than a night out alone. I was someone, and there was always something to do with me. I actually enjoyed polishing my nails or washing my hair and sitting in front of the mirror to admire the effect – for myself. Anything that gave me pleasure wasn’t a waste of time...” Mama Day by Gloria Naylor

            So many times, I find myself living in the land of the grass is always greener. No matter what I have going on, the grass will always look better on the other side of the fence. I may have a nice pool, with a deck and huge grill. I might have my oversized umbrella protecting my ice-cold pitcher of mango iced tea from the suns rays. But as soon as I step toward that fence, and look into my neighbors yard, I want what they have. I came to the harsh conclusion the other day that of my friends and I am one of the few who is truly single. Now, by single I don’t mean, without a boyfriend. By single, I mean, just that, single. Not talking to anyone, not dating anyone, not involved, or even looking to be involved for that matter. For a brief moment this week, I turned my back on my own backyard and began to look over the fence. I saw the couple lounging together, laughing, sharing, enjoying life, it was beautiful, and I wanted that. Suddenly, what I had wasn’t enough, and I began to listen to that little nagging voice in my head that screams out “B, you’ve been single forever, and if you keep it up, you’re going to BE single forever. Get it together girl and get you a man before you die an old maid.” 

            This past week, I got the chance to hang with my girls. I was in the company of my sisters who were in their careers, doing their thing, beautiful and happy with life. I loved it. It was nice to just be grown for a minute! LOL! But as usual with groups of women, we began to discuss relationships and their impact on our lives. And talking to my girls, and being in the environment I was in, I realized that I was perfectly fine exactly where I was. Its funny because I honestly do have those moments where I begin to doubt myself and wonder if maybe I should try settling down and dating someone. That maybe something is missing from my life, and having a man will somehow magically fix the insecurities and doubts I have. (LOL!!! sorry, back to the blog) That maybe I am enjoying my freedom too much. I mean really, here I am fresh off a plane from gallivanting all over Houston for an entire week, where I enjoyed MAJOR doses of tomfoolery like I didn’t have a care in the world. Comparatively, when it comes down to it, I am extremely blessed. When I want to go somewhere, I go. When I want to do something, I do it. When I want to say something I say it, all because I simply can. Since I have been on my Pro-Brandelyn kick, I have been having a wonderful time with me, and feeling less and less bad about it. Yesterday, in talking to my Twin Soul, I told her, I know that I am somebody’s wife and somebody’s mother. I am way too maternal and giving and loving not to be. But until HE finds me (“HE that findeth a wife, FINDETH a good thing…Amen) I should enjoy my freedom and independence. I have tons of goals to accomplish, even more now since I left the festival. But there is nothing missing in my life, not even a man. So I will sit back on my deck, watch the water ripple on my pool, drinking my mango iced tea and enjoy my own backyard. Because that is how it is supposed to be…for now!

Peace,

Brandelyn