He said she said, A call and response
Settling…
Everyone settles. It’s no big secret. Though some may deny it. And it begins way before anyone ever notices. It could go all the way back to our parents instilling their own defeatist tendencies into us but we are adults. Lets break the cycle and take responsibility for our own actions. Ill start with a common moment we have all experienced.
Ladies, ladies first, when you first laid down at whichever age and there where no rose petals, no candles, no nice music and your best friend was in the next room or on the floor in the same room. You began a trend. A trend of settling that will continue for the rest of your life, widening the gap between the dream life you wanted and the life you have.
And fellas. We al didn’t have such elaborate details in mind but we surely didn’t imagine things going the way they did. If it’s that she wasn’t as attractive as you imagined. Or that you or you dad had to pay her afterwards. Or that afterwards came so soon. Lets face it. It wasn’t the way we planned.
And we all sought the advice of others more experienced, either before or after. But they most likely passed on their coping mechanisms for the life they settled on. After all, no one wants to admit their failures. We all just begin to make excuses and rearrange our priorities. We hear and say things like: Life is full of disappointment. We have to play the hand life deals us. learn to accept it learn to deal with it.
And so we begin to settle. We lose small battles and adapt to downplay the losses. Instead of regrouping and refusing to accept the loss, we continue to settle. We settle down. We settle up. We settle our differences. Instead of accepting ourselves for who we are, we compromise. One after the other until we wake up many, many years later in a life that is not ours.
This is my biggest fear. Having a life different from the one I planned for myself. I don’t have all the answers, but I do know that I will never settle. It may take longer than I planned but I want it all. The whole thing and nothing less.
Good luck to you all. Never settle. Never compromise. Get it all. The skys the limit.
Now, My response:
I have to admit, I found myself wincing a few times as I read your blog, but I realized that I was doing that because what you were saying was so true. We do settle, and most times we do so because the alternative is loneliness. People are afraid of loneliness. I was afraid of loneliness, but I had to change my thinking. Now I look at it as opportunity. I look at my friends who are in relationships and they always have to check in with their mate before they make decisions because now, there is another person who can be affected by whatever they chose to do. I look at my friends with children and now they can't even go out and the things they may have done because it’s no longer about their wants and needs any more. So, yes, I am single and "sometimes Lonely, but liberated to understand" but the most important thing that I have right now is my freedom and independence. If I want to drop 200 hundred dollars on Carols Daughter, I can, because its just me. I can go to shows, and travel and pursue my dreams and goals, and not clean my house, or keep it immaculate because that is what I want to do. Without having to check in with anyone about it. And that is the difference with knowing yourself and being forced to settle. When you know yourself and you are comfortable with who you are, you won't settle because you understand that you are better than that. I read this forwarded email a friend sent me and it was basically stating the differences between women and girls. It said that women basically have so much going on in their lives that men are necessary accessories, but you can still be fly without them. And I agree. Ultimately everyone wants to be loved and all that, but until its your time are you going to sit around and mope about it, or even worse, be in a relationship with someone that treats you wrong, or is all bad for you, just so you can say you have someone? Why would you settle for polyester when you can have silk? When you have your own LIFE going on, when you are doing your own thing, you don't have time to settle. And the one that is worth it will see that you are worth it too and do what he or she has to do to get your attention, because that is what a true relationship is really about. Two COMPLETE people coming together and complimenting each other. Stop trying to find someone who will complete you and complete yourself. Then someone who can compliment who you already are and vice versa will be a better fit, and there will be no need to settle. One thing you said J, was that “instead of accepting ourselves for who we are, we compromise,” and that is so true. That’s why we need to take this time of singleness and freedom and truly get to know ourselves. I’m excited about this time that I have now and I plan to take full advantage of spending time with me, getting to know me and completing me. I refuse to settle for less than what I want. And that is just the way it is!
Peace
B
