A Father's Rules for Dating...
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd better be
FedEx or UPS delivering a package, because you're sure not
picking anything up like my child like that.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may
glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her
neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughter's
body, I will remove them with sabre saw.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys
of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to
be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult,
but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I
want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I promise to
compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing
and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However,
in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off
during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my
electric nail gun and fasten your pants securely in place to your
waist.
Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex
without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you.
Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I
will kill you.
Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should
talk sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not
do this. The only information I require from you is an indication
of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house,
and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many
opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long
as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out
with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her
until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make
you cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my
daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh
and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should
not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process
that can take longer than painting the golden gate bridge.
Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something
useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date
with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything
softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents,
policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where the ambient
temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts,
tanktops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a
sweater, and a goose down parka Zipped up to her throat. Movies
with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies
which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old
folks homes are better.
Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied,
balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been, but on issues relating
to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your
universe. If I ask you where you are going, and with whom, you
have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth, and
nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and ten acres
behind the house in Virginia or feed the crabs your ass off Red
Hook Pier in Brooklyn. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me
to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for an armored
personnel carrier outside of Baghdad. When my Desert Storm
Syndrome starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me
to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As
soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with
both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce
in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely
and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to
come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
Note: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.
1. Name:_____________________________________Date of Birth_____________
2. Height:_____________Weight:______________IQ:_____________GPA______
3. Social Security..:______________________Driver's License..:________________
4. Boy Scout Rank:________________________________
5. Home Address:_________________City/State______________Zip:______
6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE human parent?__________
7. Number of years parents married?___________ Or were you the offspring of a Booty Call gone awry?__________
8. Do you own a van?________ A truck with oversized tires?______ Or a hoopty with one brown door & a green quarter panel?_________
9. Do you have a waterbed?_______ A stupid tattoo?_______
10. Do you have an earring, nose ring, or tongue ring in your penis?_______
11. Have you ever been or thought about bring on the "DOWN LOW?"___________
(If you answered "yes" to any of 8, 9, 10, or 11 discontinue application and leave the premises!)
You may use the back for answering question 11, 12, and 13.
12. In 50 words or less, what does "DO NOT TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you
______________________________________________________________________
13. In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?
______________________________________________________________________
14. In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you?
______________________________________________________________________
15. Church you attend: ______________________How often you attend:_________
16. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother, and pastor?
______________________________________________________________________
17. Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely - All answers are confidential!
A. If I were ever shot, the last place on my body I would want to be wounded is in the_________
B. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my __________
C. A woman's place is in the _________________.
D. The one thing I hope this application does not ask me is:____________
E. When I meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is:_________________
(Note: If the answer to "E" begins with a "T" or "A," discontinue and leave the premises! It is strongly advised to keep your head down and run in a serpentine fashion!)
18. What do you want to be IF you grow up?_______________________________
I swear that all information supplied above is true and correct to the best of my knowledge under penalty of death, dismemberment, Native American ant torture, crucifixion, electrocution, Chinese water torture and/or a red hot poker place in the body orifice of my choice
Signature:______________________________________
Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write. If your application is rejected, you will be notified by several gentlemen wearing long black trench coats & dark sunglasses answering to the names of Tony, Paulie, Big Leroy, Rakim and Nasir (you might want to watch your back).
FedEx or UPS delivering a package, because you're sure not
picking anything up like my child like that.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may
glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her
neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughter's
body, I will remove them with sabre saw.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys
of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to
be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult,
but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I
want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I promise to
compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing
and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However,
in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off
during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my
electric nail gun and fasten your pants securely in place to your
waist.
Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex
without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you.
Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I
will kill you.
Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should
talk sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not
do this. The only information I require from you is an indication
of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house,
and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many
opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long
as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out
with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her
until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make
you cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my
daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh
and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should
not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process
that can take longer than painting the golden gate bridge.
Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something
useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date
with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything
softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents,
policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where the ambient
temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts,
tanktops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a
sweater, and a goose down parka Zipped up to her throat. Movies
with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies
which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old
folks homes are better.
Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied,
balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been, but on issues relating
to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your
universe. If I ask you where you are going, and with whom, you
have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth, and
nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and ten acres
behind the house in Virginia or feed the crabs your ass off Red
Hook Pier in Brooklyn. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me
to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for an armored
personnel carrier outside of Baghdad. When my Desert Storm
Syndrome starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me
to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As
soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with
both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce
in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely
and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to
come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
Note: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.
1. Name:_____________________________________Date of Birth_____________
2. Height:_____________Weight:______________IQ:_____________GPA______
3. Social Security..:______________________Driver's License..:________________
4. Boy Scout Rank:________________________________
5. Home Address:_________________City/State______________Zip:______
6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE human parent?__________
7. Number of years parents married?___________ Or were you the offspring of a Booty Call gone awry?__________
8. Do you own a van?________ A truck with oversized tires?______ Or a hoopty with one brown door & a green quarter panel?_________
9. Do you have a waterbed?_______ A stupid tattoo?_______
10. Do you have an earring, nose ring, or tongue ring in your penis?_______
11. Have you ever been or thought about bring on the "DOWN LOW?"___________
(If you answered "yes" to any of 8, 9, 10, or 11 discontinue application and leave the premises!)
You may use the back for answering question 11, 12, and 13.
12. In 50 words or less, what does "DO NOT TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you
______________________________________________________________________
13. In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?
______________________________________________________________________
14. In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you?
______________________________________________________________________
15. Church you attend: ______________________How often you attend:_________
16. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother, and pastor?
______________________________________________________________________
17. Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely - All answers are confidential!
A. If I were ever shot, the last place on my body I would want to be wounded is in the_________
B. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my __________
C. A woman's place is in the _________________.
D. The one thing I hope this application does not ask me is:____________
E. When I meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is:_________________
(Note: If the answer to "E" begins with a "T" or "A," discontinue and leave the premises! It is strongly advised to keep your head down and run in a serpentine fashion!)
18. What do you want to be IF you grow up?_______________________________
I swear that all information supplied above is true and correct to the best of my knowledge under penalty of death, dismemberment, Native American ant torture, crucifixion, electrocution, Chinese water torture and/or a red hot poker place in the body orifice of my choice
Signature:______________________________________
Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write. If your application is rejected, you will be notified by several gentlemen wearing long black trench coats & dark sunglasses answering to the names of Tony, Paulie, Big Leroy, Rakim and Nasir (you might want to watch your back).
