The Goal...Blog number 150
I never understood the goal until I heard a song by Kem today entitled ‘You Might Win.”
He says:
“In the end, there can be only laughter
After the dance, lies a whole new chapter
So never wait too long to try
Cause you might, you might win
Love is all that we’re after
Though we pretend
There’s much more to capture
These are sacred days
Let’s make room for each other
And let love have its way
Have your fill of its wonder
But never hold on to too tight
And you might, you might win”
Often, I find myself pretending that I am comfortable with the fact that I just might be a career woman, a new generation Oprah if you will. I can imagine a life of work, meeting people, traveling, growing, but never having someone who will fully understand and get all of the pieces that make me what I am. I can see myself surrounded by people that only know so much about me and only ever get to see the smiling confident side because what I am slowly learning is that people often just can’t handle anything less than perfection. Weak moments are not tolerated and the moment you have one, because yes they are inevitable, you begin to lose some of the magic that makes you special.
But what if we were allowed to be unspecial, even if just for a moment? Listening to that song, I realized that all of us have a goal. Whether or not we chose to admit it, everyone has a goal to find love. But not just any love, we all hope and pray that someday we will be blessed to find blind love. We all want to find someone to be ugly with and to cry in front of and to be vulnerable without the consequence of losing ground in the relationship. We all want someone we can fall apart in front of, who will not only laugh at our jokes but get them. Someone who understands the quite times and appreciates them. Someone who can tolerate our crazy taste in music and might eventually start to feel some of those beats themselves. Someone who can appreciate a breezy day and a home cooked meal. Basically, the goal is to find someone who can live inside of the barriers and fronts and be comfortable there.
In my life, there is a lot of expectation. There are people that expect me to succeed, and a lot of people who expect me to fail. There are people that expect me to be creative and productive and to not only live up to a certain standard, but often times, create that standard. The pressure sometimes is unbelievable and yes for the most part I do my best to handle it, but it would be nice to be around someone who didn’t expect me to be anything but B. Sometimes I just want to be the silly, goofy, creative, slightly neurotic, unorganized, procrastinatory, perpetually sleepy, often too lazy, insecure, pseudo-chef who loves to experiment in the kitchen/vocalist who sings in falsetto/girl who never quite understands men.
There are some days when the pressure sits so heavily on my shoulders that all I can do is let the tears fall. I am surprised by the number of people I simply cannot cry around, and like my girl Thea says in her poem, “Sometimes I cry just so I can feel something,” sometimes I cry just so I can make room to breathe. And yes, sometimes I would love to be able to cry without losing a little piece of my power. One of my biggest fears is to be looked at as weak, but sometimes, the tears need to just fall. And I realize that that’s okay.
As a creative person, I need someone who will inspire me. I want to be able to look at you or hear your voice and hear lyrics. And while that may sound like a hard order to fill, all it truly takes to be an inspiration to someone else is passion. If you are passionate about something in your life, it is easy for someone just as passionate to pick up on that and want to bottle it up. The goal is to find that, to bask in that and to find someone who will not only allow you to do that, but on occasion create the environment for that to happen.
I don’t know. I’ve been told that my expectations are too high, but I am physically incapable of lowering them. But that song really just opened up something in me today. But I’m glad that laughter is what is waiting for me in the end. That tells me that no matter what happens, whether love comes my way or not, I will have laughter and I will be happy.
Peace Y’all
B
