Brandelyn: Lyrical Contradiction

“I am filled by a profound sense of reverence and respect for a man who is, at that moment, reminding me of a very important lesson, that we each of us have our personal legend to fulfill, and that is all. It doesn’t matter if other people support us, or criticize us or ignore us or put up with us- we are doing it because that is our destiny on this Earth and the fount of all joy.

The pianist ends with another piece by Mozart and, for the first time, he notices our presence. He gives us a discreet, polite nod and we do the same. Then he returns to his paradise, and it is best to leave him there, untouched by the world or even by our timid applause. He is serving as an example to us. Whenever we feel that no one is paying any attention to what we are doing, let us think of that pianist: he was talking to God through his work and nothing else mattered.”
-Paulo Coehlo

I am trying to breathe. I feel caught, trapped even by my need to survive and my passion to live. I am trying so hard to balance. To manage my responsibilities at work, to set boundaries and not feel guilty when I take a day off, because I worked all weekend, or saying no to a Saturday volunteer event because I need some time to write, breathe, clean, think, create, I feel like everything is closing in on me.

Every time I read Paulo I get some sort of revelation. Reading this piece I realized that I am holding on by a thread. Keeping all of my emotions suppressed because I keep telling myself that I’ll be able to handle everything, get everything under control, but I can’t figure out a way to do it. I know that this moment will pass, it always does, but my prayer is that it will pass because I have found a way to make it work.

I know what my vision is, what my dream is, what my purpose is, and my goals are. I will never lose sight of it. I will always be an artist and that will always be the thing that gets me through the day. But right now in this moment I have to continue to keep my vision clear, and fight for my dream. I have the next two days off (thank you Jesus) and I am going to devote that time to resting and writing. I want to give my new novel all of the respect and attention it deserves. I don’t want to slap it together, or work on it so sporadically it feels like a new novel every time because I have fallen out of love with it.

I know God gave me this job. I know God gave me the gifts and talents He did. I know that my talents will make room for me. Knowing these things is my comfort and I will never take my eyes from the goal. This too shall pass…I will just get some much, MUCH needed rest and hopefully I will be able to get back to the place where I can talk to God through my work (my art) and nothing else will matter.

Peace Y’all
B

We live in an instant society. Everything must happen quickly and if it doesn’t we immediately get frustrated. A friend of mine sent me an email that literally had me laughing out loud. It was geared toward the 30 and older crowd and it talked about how we didn’t have microwaves. If we wanted to reheat something it went into the oven or on the stove. We didn’t have the cartoon network, if we wanted to watch cartoons we had to wait all the way until Saturday morning to see our favorite cartoons. I remember the family sitting down together to watch the Cosby show or people coming over just to visit and sit down and talk. I used to spend every day light hour (before the streets lights came on because I was NOT a fan of the switch that would be waiting if I made it home after they started to flicker! LOL!!!!) out on streets with my friends, using our imaginations to figure out how to spend our time and we had FUN!! Things were a lot slower back then, but if you think about it, things were more relationship and family oriented also.



Today, we live on our cell phones, eat because of microwaves, get irritated when we have to wait for more than a split second because we have been conditioned as a society to be impatient. When I want it, I want it right now. We have slowly become selfish and self centered. Life is about getting ahead, making sure my business is handled and if I have some time after that, I’ll see what I can do.
Relationships happen via text or email. Actually sitting down with someone to have a conversation must be scheduled weeks in advance and even then, we are very likely to cancel because everything else is more important. Even as I write this I am getting convicted because I do the same thing. We don’t know how to actually spend quality, face to face time with each other anymore. If we do manage to get together for a meal or coffee, our phones are going off, we have texts to respond to, we are checking email on our phones and not allowing ourselves a real moment to honestly sit down and talk. We are distracted, absentminded and like I said, self centered. We ask someone how they are doing, nod and smile, accept their ‘great thanks, how are you’ and in our minds, we have already moved on to the next subject or the thing we need to get from them without taking a quick second to look into their eyes and see if “great’ is actually how they are really doing.


The truth is, we need each other. We need relationships, people to lean on, support, love on us and give love to. We would not be able to survive without it. Let’s try to put our phones away, log off of the computer and spend time with actual people. Instead of having your head bent down as you walk texting, try looking up, smiling at someone as you pass by. You never know you may just make someone’s day. Love begets love….something to think about.
Peace Y’all
B

Every so often I feel like I go through this time of extreme change and growth. Every time I get comfortable in my life, everything is flowing along fine, I don’t really need much, God will literally step in and shake my entire world up. Recently all of my crutches were snatched from underneath me. Its not until the crutch is gone that you truly realize that it is a crutch, but suddenly, all of the people I spent most of my time with were scattered, the relationships that I depended on were suddenly placed out of my reach and before I could stand there with my hands in the air, asking what the heck happened, I felt a soft tap on my shoulder and a voice whisper, ‘Hi B, remember me?’

There is always more I can do to improve on my relationship with God. I can never pray enough, read enough, study enough, there is no way I can learn everything there is to know about God, He will always find a way to surprise me. I love that about Him. Yet, there are times, when I forget that. When I get comfortable singing on the praise team, thinking that’s enough, or doing my morning devotional, but making sure I have enough time to check my email or facebook and throwing a quick moment in to pray instead of really getting on my face. I am slowly realizing that God wants all of me. ALL of me. All of my time, my thoughts, my hopes, my passion, everything. So when I am not in a place where I am giving Him everything, He will put me in a place where I have no choice but to focus in and actually listen to His instructions.


It’s interesting because during this time I find that I am at my most vulnerable. I find myself in desperate need of a hug, fighting tears, super sensitive because I am searching for something and I can often only shake that feeling by praying and honestly giving everything over to God. I find myself getting frustrated with “religion” and find myself blocking out all of the rules, all of the protocol, especially when I go to church and find myself simply searching for Jesus, desperate to get everything I can from him.


Growing up and maturing can hurt sometimes. Coming to face to face with things in your life that need to change, hurts, but ultimately it’s for our own good. With all of my people now scattered off and branching off into their new lives, I realize that now this time to grow and stretch is a blessing. There are so many ideas spinning around inside of me that I have not taken the time to pay attention to and cultivate. This time of solitude is for a purpose. I can’t write a book with 50 million things to do because I won’t be able to get into the zone and really spend time with the characters. My morning Bible studies for the last few weeks have been fantastic because my mind has been clear and I have perfect quiet and peace to really hear the instructions God is giving me.


I guess for the first time I can say that I’m not afraid of growing up. A lot of character flaws that God wants to mold out of me and finally, for once, I am quiet, in my secret place listening. I know that the relationships that bear fruit will continue to prosper and grow. I no longer mourn the relationships that had to end because now I have more room for more fruit. Yes, there will be some tears, and yes it will hurt sometimes, but I have to keep my eyes focused on the lessons and who I will become as I am tried in the fire.
Peace Y’all
B

"Love finds a way to make a difference in people's lives." Joyce Meyers

There seems to be a shift going on in our country. Slowly but surely you are starting to see more diversity in the media and main stream. I finally got my new Essence magazine yesterday and as I flipped through the pages, I was completely excited to see an entire page dedicated to plus size fashion. It seems to me that people are slowly yet surely becoming more comfortable in their own skin and learning that what everyone else thinks about you is not really all that important.

This morning when i woke up, i did something I RARELY do and logged on to facebook first thing. When I got to my page, i found a poem from a young lady who I think is amazing, that she wrote after reading U.G.L.Y. At the end of the poem she thanked me for opening up her eyes to her beauty and to the fact that God loves her so much and made her exactly how she is and she should embrace herself as she is. Okay, she didn't exactly say all of that at the end, but that was the overall message that I took from reading her poem. After I read it, and wiped the tears from my eyes, I got my second wind.

God gave me a mission a long time ago. Only recently, have I fully acknowledged it and accepted it. I am more than a writer, a poet, an artist, I am a revolutionary. The gifts and talents God has given me were designed to be an expression of love. Love for self, love for each other, love for God. Its crazy because there are times that I struggle with the very thing that I am supposed to showing others, but that is the beautiful thing about it. I have to learn the lessons so I can effectively show people how to apply these things to their own lives.

It is no secret that I love what I do. It is my prayer that the love and respect and passion that I throw into my art will somehow bleed out into anyone who comes in contact with my work and cause them to reach out and grab their passion with both hands and never let go. I no longer fear exposing myself for the sake of my art. I realize now that the only way anyone is going to be healed, learn to love, get into the space where they can truly determine what love is for themselves, is by making it clear that you are not alone in your struggle. I can expose my insecurities, issues, concerns, thoughts, faults and issues because i know that as a revolutionary, its not about me. It's about reaching people, reaching out a hand and grabbing on until they are over their hump and see that once you learn to love and appreciate yourself, who God made you to be, then and only then will you be able to move forward.

The really exciting thing is that this time, the revolution IS televised. And captured in magazines, and books, and major motion pictures. Diversity, the very things that make us different, are suddenly being celebrated, and I am excited to be a part of this movement!

So yes, after all of this time, I do actually accept my mission. Love is on the move and I am excited that I get to be one of the people standing behind it pushing it forward!

Peace Y'all
B

This is the first time in the last few weeks that I have had a chance to breathe. I opened the pages of my new journal and it hit me, I have been granted the gift of a new beginning. The seasons are preparing to change and something in me is changing. I am slowly redefining myself, envisioning everything I want for my life and waiting patiently waiting for the dreams that constantly roll around in my head to come to pass.

 

Flipping to that blank page in my journal i decided to let everything go. Everything that has been holding me back from creating. I have to fight for my art. Now that everything is simmering down and the dust is settling, I am going to quietly slide into my creative space. Fall in love with my characters, finally get this story out of my head. I have to slow myself down...force myself to breathe....and create.

 

This fresh new page in my journal was a message.
Snap out of it B. Get back to your passion and write.

 

 

"Don't let Weeds grow around your dreams..."

I realize that I have been in a very dreamy place
lately. I have been in a place where everything seems possible and in fact, everything becoming a reality is just around the corner. Yes. I am a positive person. No I do not make any apologies for it. I can only be who I am. I enjoy bringing sunshine to people around me. Not just my friends and loved ones, but everyone around me. I enjoy allowing people into my space, my heart, my mind. I enjoy strong winds, long soft hugs and big hair. I am learning not to apologize for who I am. Not to allow anyone to stop me from being just me.
Tonight I was back in my element. My element with a bright dress...big hair...fly heels cause you know how i get down...I truly love being me...The me that God allows me to see every day. I pray that i can hold on to this feeling. With so many people trying as hard as they can to put my light out I am going to fight to protect the flame. I truly love the God in me.
For whatever it means, i believe in my dreams and i will fight to help people believe in theirs. The moments we get are so precious and it hurts to see people allow their dreams to get molded over with weeds and disappointment for the sake of a paycheck.
Life is too short. Laugh hard. As often as you can, until your stomach hurts and your eyes water because it feels so good when you finish. Love hard. And often because whether it works out or doesn't its an experience and there are lessons that always come from it. Listen with your heart. Really try to pay attention to what is being said to you and not so much on what your response is going to be. Listen and allow love to guide your path. Life is beautiful.
Take a moment and do something you love to do, like people watch at your favorite cafe or sit back in a chair and allow the sun to kiss your face. Actually open your eyes to the world around you. God is good. Life is amazing. Drink it all in and focus.
What other people think about me and how i live doesn't matter...yes...i love...yes i dream...yes i believe that i will be everything God has told me i will be. I am excited about the possibilities of it all and no i do not apologize for it.

I spent this afternoon at the Oakland Museum of California. There was an exhibit by an artist named Squeak Carnwath that was beyond inspiring. THankfully I brought my trusty composition notebook with me and I was able to get some of my thoughts down...some are poems, some are random thoughts, but all of them are from me. So here you go...

Confused: A Poem
Purple is purple
Blue is Blue
Love is simply love
But what Am I to you?


Art is my legacy: A thought
It's art that takes care of me. Nurses me back to health when my mind is ailing. Allows me to free stagnant thoughts, take a clear step back and believe in my dreams. It allows me to stretch out my hope, breathe in my peace and establish my legacy. Art is my legacy.



Living life on side A: A thought
Life is about living for the original dream, the first moment when you realized the one thing you were passionate enough about to sacrifice everything to see it come to life. You have to hold on to that dream, that vision that side of the record that is made up of all of the chart toppers and beats that continually keep your head bouncing and your soul alive. Work hard and refuse to allow people who have forgotten what life is like on Side A to force you to flip over your song and explore the feeling of settling for less. Life on side A. Play it over and over until the melody of freedom becomes ingrained.

No More: A poem
No more questions. No more questioning. No more wondering. No more worrying. No more baggy clothes. No more sleepless nights. No more sadness. No more tears. No more silent wishes. No more fears. No more regret. No more second chances. No more begging. No more starving. No more binging. No more. No more pining. No more limitations.
Now all that's left is me.