Brandelyn: Lyrical Contradiction

Normally, I would NEVER do this, but I can’t think of any other way to express everything that is going on in my head. So…wow…I can’t believe I’m doing this…here is a page from my journal written this morning…

Friday, September 11, 2009
*Lord, please read this page*

The time is 5:30 am and my bear is on the floor along with my pajamas. It was so warm last night that I didn’t want anything touching me. Honestly, that’s actually how I’ve been feeling in general lately. I don’t want anything or anyone touching me, or in my space. I think I just need a couple of minutes to figure myself out. Work out these kinks in my head.

I slept really good last night. Yesterday was a crazy long day at work and while overall it was a decent day, I have to be honest and say that I am truly, truly thanking God for the promises He has given me. I am definitely not complaining because I enjoy my job and I have a lot of fun working with the kids. Those jokers are hilarious. But everything else about it, pretty much goes against who I am as a person, as an artist. Which when I take a second to think about it, is really deep. I have not been able to BE an artist and especially a writer because without my even realizing it, my life has become routine and lacking color. I feel my burnt orange slowly melting into brown waiting for the moment before it fades completely into gray. I am deathly afraid of that. I caught a glimpse of myself in the glass door that leads into my building yesterday and I had to pause because I didn’t even recognize myself. With my conservative hair style and the business casual outfit with the CARDIGAN?! and sensible dress shoes?! WHAT IS GOING ON?! The girl with the big hair and the bright colors and the big smile is the girl I’m starting to miss. I can’t remember the last time I smiled from my heart. I miss that girl. This person who drags in from work, who has to hold her tongue 90% of the time because if it is a choice between kissing someone’s butt or holding your tongue…silence is golden. I don’t know. I just don’t want to feel like I am losing myself and right now I definitely feel like I am.

So right now, I am trying to find a way to still myself and seek God. Stilling myself lately has become really hard because my mind has been too full to focus. I have not been talking to ANYONE about the things that are going on in my brain, and I feel like I am about to burst. But Praise God that He woke me up so early this morning and gave me the day off from my workout (thank you Jesus…no for real…thank you) so I can relieve some of the pressure and write it out.
Something just hit me. I think the real thing I am afraid of is not conformity to the job…but more so I am afraid of routine. I run from it. I’ll change jobs, I’ll move, across the country if I have to, I’ll do whatever it takes to make sure that my eyes are taking in new life and my creative juices continue to flow. Whatever it takes to make sure I keep myself from slipping into a monotonous routine.

I haven’t been working on my new novel, because my life has become so routine. I don’t want to talk about the same things in the same way or tell the same story. I want to stretch myself as a writer and think outside of my own box. Man, come to think of it, maybe being alone isn’t what I need. Maybe, I need someone to talk to about this. Sigh.

So yeah. That’s what’s been racing through my little head. Too much as usual. I feel like I am fighting for my happiness and my sanity. Some way to make it through until the promises come to pass. And they ARE coming. Praise God for that.

Peace,

Bee

"A hopeful mind and attitude administer peace and joy while discouragement steals both. It costs nothing to be positive and believe that God can change you and your life. Jumpstart your blessings by saying you love your life, and be thankful in all things, no matter what the circumstances may be." Joyce Meyer

Today I had a "live high" kind of day. After doing my devotional I made a commitment to myself that i was going to have an absolutely positive day. I turned off my phone, turned away from the clock, got offline and spent the day outside, and allowed the wind to blow me where it wanted to. I spent the day being kissed by the sun and sat at Starbucks, doing research for my new novel. I allowed my soul to be quiet and just breathed. I can't lie, it felt amazing. I secretly wished every day could be like today, but if it was, i wouldn't be able to appreciate them when they came.

This evening instead of preparing for work, I am going to continue basking in this feeling. Tomorrow has enough trouble of its own, so right now today, I am going to enjoy this bubble of peace and see what the evening has to offer. I'm going to continue with my research, which is actually turning out to be a lot of fun, and allow my thoughts to roam as they may. Today I discovered a song on my Ipod (the joys of having 1300 songs on it! LOL!) but it was the perfect anthem for today. This life is but a dream. Not a nightmare. So take some time to appreciate it and enjoy the quiet moments. Trust me, as we get older and more responsible, they become few and far between.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qA6sh1FM82w

Peace Y'all
B

This morning I was reading the first chapter of Romans, and verse 15 had a line in it that made me pause. It said “Everyone I meet—it matters little whether they're mannered or rude, smart or simple—deepens my sense of interdependence and obligation. (Message Bible). This sentence made me completely pause and I grabbed my journal and started writing down whatever came to my mind. As I wrote, the Lord spoke to me and reminded me that it is a gift and a blessing to be called to love people. Paul wrote said that everyone he meets reminds him of his interdependence (his need for other people, his need to feel love and have love from other people) and his obligation to give the love and spread the message of Christ to other people.


It hit me that what I do everyday is an amazing opportunity to have this feeling Paul talked about. I realize that I actually GET to love people. I GET to bring smiles to people’s faces. I GET to help someone have a better day. This is a simple revelation to get, but it was necessary for me to gain that understanding because it in turn made me think about myself.

Paul spoke about interdependence. Needing other people and needing love from other people. For a long time, years, I have shut myself off to love. I was in a very serious relationship that ended, because it needed to, and not badly, or painfully, but for a long time, that void caused me to literally run from love. I never let people get too close and any attempt at a romantic relationship was met with my classic blank stare and world famous slow blink. I never even gave it a chance. But this morning as I was walking to work, Rahsaan Patterson "You make life so good" began to play in my ear and his words brought about another realization. "You took away my pride, Made me open up my eyes, now I realize that love is fine, And it’s a feeling I can’t deny.."


There is nothing wrong with opening yourself up to love. To allowing people to care for and about you. To keep an open mind to the possibilities of love and relationships and allow life to happen as it may. I used to be a fighter, now I am learning to bend. I suppose that is a huge part of this process called maturing.

I acknowledge that there is something wonderful about the feeling that possibilities bring and I have been denying myself of it because of plain and simple fear. No more. I am opening myself up love and no longer allowing fear to control any aspect of my life. And "Nothing can make me bend, Or stray from this love again..." I am open now, and my blank stare has been removed. Tomorrow is a new day. I wonder how life will surprise me.

Peace Y'all

B

Pressure comes. Problems come. Issues can envelop us and we have no idea how to handle, but this morning during my devotion time, God reminded me of something very simple. Fight for it. We have control of our thoughts. If negativity comes in, we have to turn those thoughts into something positive. If you spend more time complaining about your job then appreciating it, perhaps its time to think about a career move. If you aren’t happy in your relationship…right.


I would rather live a life that enjoys the sunshine and rain and embraces each moment. I remembered this morning that you truly have to turn everything over to God and let Him handle it. God is big enough to carry all of our concerns, but we have to let Him have it. We have the power to control our situations; we just need to take hold of it. The power of life and death is in the tongue. If you say that you are tired, or upset, or irritated…then you will be. You can speak life or death into your situation, so if you speak life, speak peace, say in the morning, I am going to have a great day today, then it will happen.


Life has been kicking my butt lately. I’ve had more foolishness come my way than I have ever experienced before, but just as the world seemed like it was caving in, God stepped in and reminded me to fight for it. Fight for my dream, fight for my happiness, fight for my sanity, fight for my peace, fight for my joy. I have to fight. I’m trying to be more conscious of what I say, how I allow the foolishness to affect me. I have my weak moments, but I always get reminders about my power. I have the power to speak life. To take control of my situation and focus on the positive. I have to fight for it. .I have to fight for it. And right now I am fighting to remember that more than ever.


Peace Y’all
B