Peace of Mind
July 18th, 2009 brought about my 30th birthday. A lot of my friends kept telling me that 30 was the new 20 and could not understand why I was not freaked out about turning the big 3-0. The truth is, I was eagerly anticipating the new decade. I was always quick to say that I didn’t want 30 to be the new 20 because the original 20’s were tough enough and I have no intention of going through that again. LOL! The but truth is, I stood facing this transition with opening arms, ready to embark on this new change.
Lately I have been thinking a lot about words and how powerful they are. As a kid I was often teased and made fun because of my weight. This pattern continued on through high school and by time I reached adulthood I was so insecure and unsure of myself that it was nearly impossible for me to see myself as anything other than a rejected fat girl who was not the smartest, who was not the brightest and who would probably never get married and have kids because I was not good enough. I would constantly beat myself up and would rarely allow myself to truly think of myself as good enough for anything good. It was really interesting because for most of my life, any time anything good happened, I would always secretly lie in wait for the ball to drop and for that good thing to be taken away from me because I was not good enough to deserve this good thing.
Of course now in hindsight this sound ridiculous, but this was how I thought about myself for years and years all because of the words people around me constantly threw at me. The other night I was spending some time in prayer and a very simply thought came to my mind: But what does God call me? I have spent so many years worrying about other people and their opinions that I have stopped thinking about what my creator thinks about me. Suddenly I started to think about all of the promises God has whispered to me in my dreams and I began to think about all of the words God says when He looks at me. Precious, anointed, talented, beautiful, one of a kind, able, ready. Every single one of these words was meant to remind me of who I truly am. I have learned that most times people who spend their days talking negatively about other people are often completely dissatisfied with themselves and need to make someone else feel bad to make themselves feel better. It’s a sad thing if you think about it, but it makes sense.
In all of my 30 years of living, I have learned to do whatever it takes to brush off the opinions of people and remember what God has to say. There are some days when the pressure is too much, but in those times it is important to find some way to remember the positives; to bring your mind back into focus and keep the truth in mind. It’s a constant battle but once you have the right ammunition you will be able to fight as long and as hard as necessary to win the ultimate battle which learning to love yourself no matter what and obtaining a steady and necessary peace of mind.
Peace Y’all
B
