Brandelyn: Lyrical Contradiction

“art is why I get up in the morning but my definition ends there and it doesn't seem fair that I'm living for something I can't even define there you are right there in the meantime…the butter melts out of habit you know, the toast isn't even warm…”
~Ani DiFranco


“Butter melts out of habit.” I heard that in an Ani DiFranco song one night on the ride home from work. I felt my mind freeze for a second when I heard that and immediately I felt like I had been defined, exposed, stripped by someone else's art. I wish I wasn’t like that. That I didn’t melt at the first sign of attention or affection from him, or anyone for that matter. But he has always had this sort of power over me that I have run from and wound up tripping over whenever I looked back, and I always did. I wish my long term memory worked better. That I could remember exactly who he was, really, instead of constantly reinventing him into who I always imagined him to be. But time passes, I get hard, solid, comfortable in my shape and texture and he looks at me. After months of not knowing, wondering, guessing and configuring, he looks at me and I slowly, from the inside out, begin to melt. Even when I feel it happening, and I toss myself into the freezer of my art, one glance makes me soft again and I wish I wasn’t like that. Even though I honestly don’t want to, maybe its time for me to start cooking with coconut oil and leave the butter, alone.