Brandelyn: Lyrical Contradiction

Always Be True

“I know who I am and I am always me, although I can be really intense at times …Sometimes I’m a sullen girl, disillusioned with the world’s backwardness, angry at the wrongs, can’t get pen and paper in my hands quick enough. Sometimes I’m thoughtful, calling my loved ones to pour out why I appreciate them, singing my thanks. Sometimes I’m shy, painfully transparent, sharp at times, at others silly. I am one intense adjective at a time, and while I’m there, I don’t resist those feelings. I rest in those moments. I try to taste them, wrap myself in them as hard as I can. I call it freedom, and I suppose if I wasn’t the way I am, I wouldn’t have the careers I do. Maybe I’m nuts (probably), but I notice that when I fight myself, suck myself in, I lose all the stuff, the fruit, the core of me that I enjoy the most.” 

~Jill Scott

When I read these words in Essence Magazine, I literally felt my soul fly free. I felt a weight lift off of my shoulders and instantly I was relieved because I knew that somebody understood…me. Every word felt like it had been snatched from that deep down inside of me place that can never quite articulate how it feels but knows that it feels something that is strong. I am complicated and even though I can’t always say exactly why that is, or how I feel, I am just fine with being exactly who I am. I make it a point to acknowledge my feelings as they come because I have to. I get really emotional over what some people feel are small things, like watching my brother dance in my living room, or soaking in a hug from someone who just means the world to me, or finally sitting down and having dinner with someone special, just to be able to catch up and talk, these moments mean something to me.

For most of my life I have felt like a gigantic contradiction. I am someone who loves attention, but is scared of it. I am someone who constantly seeks out human contact, but thirsts for solitude. I am someone who prefers books over movies, CD’s over Ipods and thrift stores over department stores. I crave new, old things and wear my grandmother’s jewelry every day because it makes me feel special and beautiful more than the pieces I bought from Tiffany’s. I am classic, yet evolving, growing comfortable in my intensity. I have to be the way I am, think the way I think, dream the way I dream in order to be who God has created me to be. “I suppose if I wasn’t the way I am, I wouldn’t have the careers I do”, yes, yes, yes.

I woke up this morning and wrote in huge letters across a blank page in my journal: TODAY…I SIMPLY LOVE ME. And I do. I am making more of a conscious effort to respect the person God has created me to be. I am going to bask in all the me-ness I can, because I only get to enjoy my life once. All of the petty things, the concepts created by society, are irrelevant. I am liberating myself for myself and I feel better because of it.

Thank you Jill, for expressing the things I could never articulate and for reminding me that all I have is who I am and to that I must always be true.

Peace y’all,

B