Brandelyn: Lyrical Contradiction

I printed your poem out on thin sheets of paper and spread them out around me so i could be surrounded by your words
My mind became clouded with your thoughts and my thoughts and my thoughts of you and the swirling constant memories that followed
Like the image of your hair and the soft way you pulled it back from your face exposing your eyes and extremely long eyelashes fluttered before me like butterflies and i wrapped myself up in them expanding my lungs as full as they could go allowing every pore to be overwhelmed and full with traces of you
The sound of your voice sang whispered melodies planting soft kisses at the base of my neck the way your lips and your tongue used to and I felt my fingers begin to linger in places your breath once called its own
I can feel your lips softly inching a path along the trail of my spine and you would pause, collecting the beads of sweat that collected here
and then there
drinking them down as though they would save your life
Then you breathed, deep, sucking in every single piece of me leaving me helpless standing on bended knee completely open, raw, honest, free unable to find the words of my own so i used yours
The magnetism of your words freezes my ability to speak coherently
But it sets my free
Allowing me the space to explore the complexities you make so simple and i stare blankly at the space where your back used to be and gather the pages of your words
press them close to the empty piece of me you long since ripped out and stole and find myself breathless and helpless underneath the weight of your words

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List #9 Feelin’ some kind of way

 

1. “I don’t know. I’m so tired and evil I don’t seem to be able to think straight.” JB
2. My eyes opened at 5am and i couldn’t go back to sleep. All I wanted to do was read. I wish I could swing reading at this same time every day. It was perfectly silent, no distractions and the words seemed to melt into me so much so that every few seconds I had to put the book down.
3. I wanted to throw it, but didn’t want to get out of my warm bed to retrieve it. #lazymoment
4. Yesterday I felt like crying because the day was going to bad and there was nothing I could do about it
5. I decided to reach out for help
6. Help:
1. “I’m A little sad

I’m a little happy

And mixed emotions weigh more

Than the sum of their parts

So right now, don’t tell me to lighten up

1. Haiku

Don’t know what to say

Poet at a loss for words

I’ll use tears instead

                  c. Thank you Alise. Your words helped me make it yesterday

1. I have been slipping lately. So burdened down by responsibility that I can’t actually accomplish anything.
2. overwhelmed
3. overextended
4. over it
5. My feelings got really hurt yesterday. Someone I thought was a friend, someone I used to be extremely close to, someone that I share a past with completely cut me out of their life and I honestly have no idea why. I’m not angry. Just hurt. And this person is the definition of passive aggressive so I know I will never get an explanation of what happened.
6. Definition of growth: Instead of dwelling in the loss of someone who wasn’t meant to be in my life anyway, I am focusing on the people that I know love me and are down for me through it all.
7. Relationships end. We have to deal with it, acknowledge that fact that it hurts, and then move on.
8. Lacing up track shoes. I gotta get out of here.
9. Today I decided to spend the day with James Baldwin and Jill Scott
10. For some reason, maybe because I have been so open, so emotional, so aware of how I’m feeling, Jill was really speaking to me. She was grinding out a place in the core of me and just sitting there, Indian style, blowing smoke and clouding my thoughts.
11. I never noticed her follow through on notes. She carries a note until the bitter end before she attacks the next one. I wonder if that woman knows how powerful and important she is. #musicsaveslives
12. I met Jill twice. Well I met her once, and saw her again. The first time we met she kept telling me how much we looked alike and how we could be sisters because we favor each other so much.
1. I didn’t know how to take that at the time. Jill Scott is one of the most beautiful people I’ve ever seen and I was never able to see myself that way.
2. Now I understand that it was our spirits that were kindred. I promise you we are related somehow
3. When I saw her the second time it was weeks later at her book signing and she remembered my name. The people in line thought I was her for a second which is slightly stupid, but it made me feel good. Then she remembered my name. I don’t get star struck ever, but I really want her to adopt me. Serious.
13. My 04 inspired me at 5:15 this morning when I checked my facebook.
14. I now know what to do for my next novel.
15. I want to be raw. Open. Exposed. Naked. Free. Exploratory. Fresh.
16. The next book will not be about love. It will be about the self.
1. Discovery
2. Exploration
3. Feelings
4. Emotions
5. Poetry
6. Art
7. Journals
8. Life
17. I’m excited
18. This is not like me and I’m scared and uncomfortable but so ready to conquer this beast.
19. I’ve been separated from everyone. It has been beautiful because I don’t feel like I have a floating device to latch on to. I have to just swim for myself and see where I wind up
20. The exercise is making me stronger. And happier. And freer. I’m starting to see a pattern
21. My brother sent me a text today and I realized how much I miss him. But how much I need to be on this island of Brandelyn. I’m not waiting for a rescue ship, I’m simply content here alone. I know how to get back when I’m ready. But its nice to know I’m being thought about.
22. I’m thinking about something I posted yesterday about my need to be held for a long time. The funny thing is that I’d probably shrink away from it and end it before I got what I needed. I don’t know how to be still and be held and be taken care of.
23. I’m going to be an amazing wife and mother. If I decide that that is what I want to do.
24. Still on the fence with that one.
25. “Now remember that. If the world wasn’t so full of dead folks. Maybe those of us that’s trying to live wouldn’t have to suffer so bad.” JB
26. I choose to live my life. I won’t be amongst the living dead. Burdened down. Confused. Suppressed. Good, bad or Ugly, I’m choosing to live.
27. I see my freedom poking its head out like the horizon. All I have to do is be patient and wait for the light to hit me.

Posted by Brandelyn at 05:20 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

1. Proceed with caution although it is probably best if you just stop altogether because you honestly have no idea what you are getting yourself in to, you have been warned.
2. My heart has more surveillance and protection than the Faberge  egg and even when you think you gotten close enough to touch it the invisible electric field surrounding will shock you enough to read the signs, 'look but don’t touch.'
3. I am complex.
4. Long winded
5. frustrating
6. Moody
7. Hypersensitive
8. An artist in every good bad and ugly sense of the word
9.  I’m sure you have heard this a lot from women who are trying to present themselves as having some shallow and misty air of mystery but with me it goes without saying. But since a lot of people don’t pay attention to the details, I figured I should just say it out loud one time
10. Take a moment and think about what drew you in, in the first place.
11. I explain myself through poetry, work out my issues in the pages of the journal that i painted myself because i had to have a place to keep my thoughts that is a colorful and special as i am.
12. I sing the entire Jill Scott catalogue as a way of easing my pain and I laugh until I cry over the silliest thing, just because it feels so damn good.
13. I recognize my power although you will never hear me admit it out loud.
14.  I see it.
15. I know you see it too.
16. However I will silently swallow back the knowledge and watch you wonder why you want me around you the way you do.
17. I like to collect my thoughts in the net of my pen, watch them flutter around the page until they settle, waiting for me to release them like caged butterflies when the time is right.
18. I am thirsty for conversation that is not shallow, or laced with sexual undertones, or about church or that are weighed down with a need to impress me because you know that I am a writer, and a poet and you always feel the need to say something profound, when in all honesty I am probably thinking about that episode of Glee or Modern Family that had me cracking up last week and then our interactions just melts into something uninteresting and fake.
19. I am aching to be held, for a long time, just for the sheer desire to make ME feel better by someone who wants to be close to ME. The real me. The slight irrational, moody, emotionally suppressed, laughing, crying, writing, dreaming, ME.
20. I want to be selfish and not feel bad about it.
21. I want to slide into my moody broody place and be comfortable there without making calls or sending emails letting people know I will be gone.
22. I want to stop caring so much.
23. “I’ve told you, you always seem to get involved with impossible women-whores, nymphomaniacs, drunks-and I think you do it in order to protect yourself-from anything serious. Permanent.”
1. “I’ve told you, Brandelyn, you always get involved with impossible men-sexually confused, attached, complicated, long distance, whores, controlling, insecure, drunks-and I think you do it in order to protect yourself-from anything serious. Permanent.”
2. James Baldwin scares me and inspires me at the same time.
24. I am realizing that my Christianity and my Relationship with God are two separate things.
25. There was a time, not so long ago when I would have been deathly afraid to say that, to type that, to post that on my blog for everyone to see.
26. It’s not like you are hot then cold. You remain steadily warm like a fever that isn’t quite dangerous, but keeps you home for the day. You whisper to me, but I hear you loud a clear. Screaming and dancing your wishes into the air that surrounds us and I catch them, hold them in my hands and blow on them until they cool fresh in my ear I hear you deep into the night slipping into sleep with the sensation of your breath snaking its way down my back
27. All I want to do today is sit outside and read until I get too sleepy to continue
28. I am no longer available for flirtation. Say what you want, use real words with real feelings behind them and then and only then can we move forward. Thank you and good day.
    
29. “It's 7 o'clock in the a.m.
    In 15 minutes this alarm will be ringing
    At work,no one will feel my pain
    It's a shame the way this whole thing changed”
30. I feel you Jill. Oh how do I feel you.

Posted by Brandelyn at 03:48 PM | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)

List #7 Emotional Hangover

1. Today is a day to sit outside and watch the sun play in the leaves. For open windows, a random mix of music, heavy on guitar strings and lyrical content and that clean house good feeling.
2. “If you want to challenge yourself as a writer, you have to challenge yourself as a reader.” –Me
1. I am working my way through the yellowed and brittle pages of ‘Another Country’ by James Baldwin.
2. I was right in my assumption that this book would make me uncomfortable, but I welcome the feeling
3. I’ve been so comfortable lately that I have become numb. Numb to my feelings, numb to my thoughts, numb to my gifts. I have been painting, writing, singing, dancing, with absolutely no feeling. Forcing myself mechanically to live.
1. I wonder if I would be better off wearing all black and sitting in the corner some where.
2. Shout out to the God in me that just won’t let that happen…
4. I’m confused by our conversation yesterday. Confused yet, somehow liberated
1. Confused: I wonder when I will learn my lesson. When will I heed the warning signs before I fall into the ditch? When will I allow myself the moment to acknowledge that I deserve more before the realization slaps me across the face? I don’t want to smile because of him, but it is inevitable with our interactions….
2. Liberated: I was a woman about my situation. I got the answers to my questions. I am free from the weight of guessing. Now I can move forward. Free.
5. I think he underestimates me because I am sweet. I personally find that to be hilarious. If he only knew. Sadly, he never truly will.
6. I think he is trying to find an emotional connection that just can’t be. I don’t do complicated. I deserve better than complicated.
7. I am complicated enough as it is… no thank you.
8. I’m glad the sun came out this morning. It’s not warm, but its bright.
9. I like bright.
10. I need bright.
11. Something about bright makes me remember that its okay and I am supposed to: Live.
12. I made a very calm and rational decision yesterday to stop eating meat again.
1. Yes, it would a lot easier to continue eating meat and having a lot more options, but I feel the need to challenge myself.
2. I got a glowing Doctor’s report a few weeks ago and that is due solely to my diet. It sho’ ain’t from working out.
13. I need to practice more discipline.
14. Get my steps back in order. I have been off track. Just in general.
15. Pushing myself, challenging myself, creating a space of discipline…*my secret hope is that all of this will push me back into working on my novel.
16. See I told you that it wasn’t always that deep.
17. We are in two different worlds. On two separate paths, discovering, touching, exploring, learning different things. And that’s ok. I have this strong impulse not to talk to you, which is strange considering that usually we talk every day, but I feel the need to travel alone. It makes it a lot easier because I don’t see you as much, or hardly ever. Which is good. We need to grow.
18. The people I really want to share this journey with, in a way that can’t be expressed with words are far away from me
1. Some physically
2. Most mentally
19. Blood is thicker than water, so I’m not worried. We will cross paths again, and get back to us, but right now this distance is good, healthy.
20. “I allow myself to feel everything I’m feeling.” –Jill Scott
21. “Still with these strange tears threatening to boil over at any moment…” –JB
1. Lonely is heavy. Palpable. Like a wool coat in the summer.
2. But you will be stuck with that burden until you learn to release it, and find solace within yourself. Then allow people into your bubble for enrichment and comfort, but not for sanity.
22. I am learning a lot about me. For example, I like the fact that my nose wrinkles in the middle when I am amused and when I am annoyed.
23. My eyes will always carry the same sparkle, but my nose gives me away. Most people don’t take the time to notice details like that.
24. Having this time and space to be on my own journey has allowed me to see things like that.
25. Medicine for Melancholy spoke to me in an incredibly profound way.
26. Perceptions: I’ve been thinking about these a lot lately. When I look at myself, I see a work in progress. I see someone who has a lot of potential, but hasn’t fully tapped in to it yet.
1. I am not impressed with the fact that I have written 3 books. I look at my babies and get excited, but I realize that I have more work to do. A lot more.
2. If you really knew me, you would know that I prefer doing my work in the background. Behind the scenes. I always wince at the spotlight and try to cover my eyes. I wonder if I will ever get comfortable there.
3. I get extremely nervous in front of a crowd. Most times I can suck it up. Sometimes I can’t. I am a human.
27. I wonder if the time will come when I feel good enough
28. I hope not. I always want to expect more. Strive to achieve more. Want to be more. Stay hungry and grow.
29. The last time I felt free was that summer of my dreams. That grant would be amazing to get. Even if I have to wait a year.
30. God is amazing.
31. I am happy today. Content. Warm.
32. Possibilities give me hope. Get me excited. Its not even really about the actual event happening, its about the possibility of it happening. *makes sense to me.
33. “I’ve got so little time left, Lord, don’t let me lose it all.” JB
34. Yeah.

Posted by Brandelyn at 02:54 PM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

I’m tired of being so serious all the time. All of this self discovery, soft music with guitar strings, candle light, cabin fever, Nyquil haze, despising my job, but loving the kids I work with, I need a break. Some laughter, a day off walking down Haight street, buying random stuff I don’t need and can’t afford, but doing it anyway because it makes me smile. I’ve been reading blogs, gazing at photos, basking in the artistic broodiness of other artists and it hit me that I haven’t had fun in a long time. Pure honest, laughter, sunshine, outside, good company fun. Now that this cold has simmered down to the sniffles, I think I am going to take advantage of this three day weekend and relax on Haight Street tomorrow. I just need some fun.

 

I'm gone... 

Posted by Brandelyn at 12:51 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

I fall asleep each night to the sound of your voice and the unspoken words that remind that I am not alone in my desire to be close and warm from the sensation of understanding I’m able to lay my head down to rest next to a small well worn stack of books heaped one on top of the other breathing life into my quiet space eliminating the emptiness of the distance between us making me feel safe at night. I know that you would smile and say that that sounds silly but somehow you would understand my desperation for security and my desire to run from that feeling because it infiltrates my dreams at night and the moments we share in my minds eye keep me tossing and turning with a smile so i keep them there, my small stack of books because before i drift to sleep they quietly remind me that it is okay to care, to dream of your face and wake up smiling from the promises we shared and yes, my small stack of books ease me into my land of dreams and whisper that this feeling is nothing new, nothing rare, its as simple as me missing you,  each aspect of you, the presence of the thoughts and passion and laughter and tears and hopes and motivations of the fictitious characters whose creators have taught them, and me subsequently, how to cope with love come and gone that is as real as yours and mine will keep the space warm until the weight of you and your thoughts and passion and laughter and tears and hopes and motivations and desperation to be near me fill the space and dull my senses causing me to fall deep into the sweetest sleep resting freely in the nearness of you

 

 

Posted by Brandelyn at 12:27 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Thursday, January 21, 2010

“Re: Haiti: Passing on to you something that may help lift us from this sorrow.”

Sasha Kramer sent a message to the members of Sustainable Organic Integrated Livelihoods (SOIL).

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Subject: Kouraj cherie: Update from Port au Prince


This afternoon, feeling helpless, we decided to take a van down to Champs Mars (the area around the palace) to look for people needing medical care to bring to Matthew 25, the guesthouse where we are staying which has been transformed into a field hospital. Since we arrived in Port au Prince everyone has told us that you cannot go into the area around the palace because of violence and insecurity. I was in awe as we walked into downtown, among the flattened buildings , in the shadow of the fallen palace, amongst the swarms of displaced people there was calm and solidarity. We wound our way through the camp asking for injured people who needed to get to the hospital. Despite everyone telling us that as soon as we did this we would be mobbed by people, I was amazed as we approached each tent people gently pointed us towards their neighbors, guiding us to those who were suffering the most. We picked up 5 badly injured people and drove towards an area where Ellie and Berto had passed a woman earlier. When they saw her she was lying on the side of the road with a broken leg screaming for help, as they were on foot they could not help her at the time so we went back to try to find her. Incredibly we found her relatively quickly at the top of a hill of shattered houses. The sun was setting and the community helped to carry her down the hill on a refrigerator door, tough looking guys smiled in our direction calling out “bonswa Cherie” and “kouraj”.

When we got back to Matthew 25 it was dark and we carried the patients back into the soccer field/tent village/hospital where the team of doctors had been working tirelessly all day. Although they had officially closed down for the evening, they agreed to see the patients we had brought. Once our patients were settled in we came back into the house to find the doctors amputating a foot on the dining room table. The patient lay calmly, awake but far away under the fog of ketamine. Half way through the surgery we heard a clamor outside and ran out to see what it was. A large yellow truck was parked in front of the gate and rapidly unloading hundreds of bags of food over our fence, the hungry crowd had already begun to gather and in the dark it was hard to decide how to best distribute the food. Knowing that we could not sleep in the house with all of this food and so many starving people in the neighborhood, our friend Amber (who is experienced in food distribution) snapped into action and began to get everyone in the crowd into a line that stretched down the road. We braced ourselves for the fighting that we had heard would come but in a miraculous display of restraint and compassion people lined up to get the food and one by one the bags were handed out without a single serious incident.

During the food distribution the doctors called to see if anyone could help to bury the amputated leg in the backyard. As I have no experience with food distribution I offered to help with the leg. I went into the back with Ellie and Berto and we dug a hole and placed the leg in it, covering it with soil and cement rubble. By the time we got back into the house the food had all been distributed and the patient Anderson was waking up. The doctors asked for a translator so I went and sat by his stretcher explaining to him that the surgery had gone well and he was going to live. His family had gone home so he was alone so Ellie and I took turns sitting with him as he came out from under the drugs. I sat and talked to Anderson for hours as he drifted in and out of consciousness. At one point one of the Haitian men working at the hospital came in and leaned over Anderson and said to him in kreyol “listen man even if your family could not be here tonight we want you to know that everyone here loves you, we are all your brothers and sisters”. Cat and I have barely shed a tear through all of this, the sky could fall and we would not bat an eye, but when I told her this story this morning the tears just began rolling down her face, as they are mine as I am writing this. Sometimes it is the kindness and not the horror that can break the numbness that we are all lost in right now.

So, don’t believe Anderson Cooper when he says that Haiti is a hotbed for violence and riots, it is just not the case. In the darkest of times, Haiti has proven to be a country of brave, resilient and kind people and it is that behavior that is far more prevalent than the isolated incidents of violence. Please pass this on to as many people as you can so that they can see the light of Haiti, cutting through the darkness, the light that will heal this nation.

We are safe. We love you all and I will write again when I can. Thank you for your generosity and compassion.

With love from Port au Prince,
Sasha

 

http://www.alicewalkersblog.com/2010/01/re-haiti-passing-on-to-you-something.html

Posted by Brandelyn at 02:28 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Haiku #20
Breathe life into me
Everyday with your words
Wrap me up in you

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Haiku#21
Overacting
Is simply part of my charm
It makes me love hard

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Haiku #22

Am i safe with you?
Guess not if i have to ask
Time for something new

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Haiku #23

Can i close my eyes
Lean my head back and breathe out
Safe in your presence?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Haiku #24

Like my appendix
You're buried inside of me
For no real reason

 

© 2010 Brandelyn N. Castine

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Deuces…

 

I enjoy saying goodbye to you
Watching you walk away is my favorite past time
Releasing my breath into the fullness of the space where you were standing feels great
Because the space where you were
Is empty
And that is the way i like it
Filled to the brim
With the sweet
Wonderful
Stillness

 

© 2010 Brandelyn N. Castine

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Nighttime Thoughts

 

I fell asleep last night
To the sound of your voice
Telling me
Im special
And rare
And that the sound of my laughter
Brings you joy
And reminds you
Of all that's right in the world
And makes your world bright
A smile crossed my lips
The way your kisses will
Someday
When we are finally
Resting quietly
In the same space
With the sound of your breath
Filling up my space
Rocking me to sleep
In the safety
Of these night time thoughts

 

© 2010 Brandelyn N. Castine

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Summertime

 

Your lips grazed the bareness of my shoulder
Replacing the moisture the sun sucked away
I turned my head slightly
Pausing from the poem i was writing
About you
To show you the corner of my smile
Purposely stroking your ego
To let you know i am pleased
To have you near me

 

© 2010 Brandelyn N. Castine

 

 

Posted by Brandelyn at 09:41 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Emotional Asthma
2/2/10

Pain in my chest
Tight grip
Skin burning with anxiety
What happened?
I was breathing
Sucked in all the air I could hold and smiled
I remembered how to do it
And my world for a moment felt free
And just as suddenly
My breathe escaped me
Comically mimicking my inability
To just be
The burning sensation
Caused by tears that refuse to fall
Makes my eyes itch
And beg
No, plead for sleep

For Relief

For a moment that rests in my reach
An escape
From this feeling

That I just can’t seem to find
The right/correct/eloquent/articulate

String of words
To describe

The feelings trapped inside

The bare blank dry opening of my mouth
I need to get out of here
Out of my skin
Out of my head
Out of these thoughts
That are keeping me bound
Wound up on a tight string
Unable to wail or scream
Release these quiet emotions
That hurt every inch of my being
Where did I go?
Checking my electronic connections
Like a manic
Asthmatic
Grasping for the inhaler
That will help me breathe
Hoping for some a lifeline
A quick snatch of time
A look, a glance, any sure fire sign
That someone understands
This pain
To physical to be emotional
And too emotional to be ignored
These words carry all of my hope for relief
Please, please, please
Help me
Find my peace

© 2010 Brandelyn N. Castine

 

 

Posted by Brandelyn at 11:40 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)