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October 19, 2011

They Came to Stay Foreword by Maya Angelou

I found a book in the art room at my job that used to live on my Grandmother's coffee table. The mere site of the book transported me back to my childhood and it was a welcomed feeling. Everything about this piece spoke to me. I am standing just a bit taller after reading this.


They Came to Stay
I Dream a World Foreword by Maya Angelou

I
am a black woman
tall as a cypress
strong
beyond all definition still
defying place
and time
and circumstances
assailed
impervious
indestructible
Look
on me and be
renewed

-from “I Am a Black Woman,”
Mari Evans

Black women whose ancestors were brought to the United States beginning in 1619 have lived through conditions of cruelties so horrible, so bizarre, the women had to re-invent themselves. They had to find safety and sanctity inside themselves or they would not have been able to tolerate those tortuous lives. They had to learn to be self-forgiving quickly, for often their exterior exploits were at odds with their interior beliefs. Still they had to survive wholly and healthily as possible in an infectious and sick climate.

Lives lived in such cauldrons are either obliterated or forged into impenetrable alloys. Thus, early on and consciously, Black women as reality became possibilities only to themselves. To others they were mostly seen and described in the abstract, concrete in their labor but surreal in their humanness.

They knew the burden of feminine sensibilities suffocated by masculine responsibilities.

They wrestled with the inescapable horror of bearing pregnancies which could only result in issuing more chattels into the rapacious maw of slavery.

They knew the grief of enforced separations from mates who were not theirs to claim, for the men themselves did not have legal possession of their own bodies.

And men, whose sole crime was their hue,
the impress of their Maker’s hand,
and frail and shrinking children too
were gather in that mournful band.

-from The Slave Auction,
Frances Ellen Watkins Harper

The larger society, observing the women’s outrageous persistence in holding on, staying alive, thought it had no choice save to dissolve the perversity of the Black Woman’s life into a fabulous fiction of multiple personalities. They were seen as acquiescent, submissive Aunt Jemimas who showed grinning faces, plump laps, fat embracing arms, and brown jaws pouched in laughter. They were described as leering buxom wenches with round heels, open thighs, and insatiable sexual appetites. They were accused of being marauding matriarchs of stern demeanor, battering hands, unforgiving gazes and castrating behavior.

When we imagine women inhabited by all those apparitions, it becomes obvious that the women themselves did not hallucinate, but rather that they were national, racial, and historical hallucinations. Those contradictions stump even the most fertile imagination, for they could not have existed despite the romantic racism which introduced them into the American psyche. Surprisingly, above all, many women did survive as themselves. In this book we meet them, undeniably strong, unapologetically direct.

The photographer, Brian Lanker, possesses an acute eye and a brave heart. He has discovered women whose images show us the high cost of living and the rich reward of thriving. Lanker intends to capture the viewer with the twin magic of his camera and the women’s faces. These women regard us, understand us, gaze through us into a beyond, alien to our most common view. Each seems to know something we have not known. The sameness of their gaze informs us that they will not be removed, that indeed although they are shaken, bruised, and uprooted, they are determined to remain.

This foreword does not mean to be an explanation of the Black woman’s stamina. Rather, it is a salute to her as an outstanding representative of the human race. Here, in this book, educators, athletes, dancers, judges, politicians, artists, actresses, writers, singers, poets and social activists dare to look at life with humor, determination and respect. Their visages do not entertain hypocrisy. To those who would desire chicanery, they honesty of these women is terrifying.

The heartbreaking tenderness of Black women and their majestic strength speak of the heroic survival of a people who were stolen into subjugation, denied chastity, and refused innocence.

These women have descended from grandmothers and great-grandmothers who knew the lash first hand, and to whom protection was a phantom known of but seldom experienced. Their faces are captured here for the ages to regard and wonder, but they are whole women. Their hands have brought children through blood to life, nursed the sick, and folded the winding cloths. Their wombs have held the promise of a race which has proven in each challenging century that despite threat and mayhem it has come to stay. Their feet have trod the shifting swampland of insecurity, yet they have tried to step neatly onto the footprints of mothers who went before. They are not apparitions; they are not superwomen. Despite their majestic struggle they are no larger than life. Their humanness is evident in their accessibility. We are able to enter the photographs and enter into the spirit of these women and rejoice in their courage and nearness.

Precious jewels all. Thanks to their persistence, art, sublime laughter and love we may all yet survive our grotesque history.


~Maya Angelou

May 19, 2011

Love is a growing Up

 

["Usually there's a deeper truth submerged inside, often imprisoned by his most constant enemy-himself. That truth, for better or for worse, is sometimes most difficult to find. So few of us manage even to know ourselves during a lifetime. Shifting from course to course we search for a hunger to keep us moving, frightened of whatever it is that keeps us so unsure of ourselves. Finally we fall exhausted, entangled in a bed of remarkable excuses from which we are unable to extricate ourselves."] ~Gordon Parks

 

I've been told that life is about the high highs and low lows. As an artist, it is my job to capture those moments, and all of the moments in between, and preserve them as gifts to share with like /open/artistically minded people who want to know that they are not alone. That these feelings of doubt, hurt, fear, questions, rage, empathy, over-the-moon elation are not new concepts. That they are valid. Real. And worthy of acknowledgment, just like the art inside of us.

[“Perhaps it was while I was alone and half drunk on the windswept deck that I first sensed myself gradually changing clothes for another kind of life.”]

I have found art to be very strategic. It lies in wait, like a cat ready to pounce, jumping at you and changing your life at the exact right moment you need it. Just under a year ago, I found myself walking through Barnes and Noble, checking to see if my books were on the shelves and smiling when I saw them there, taking a moment to soak it all in. I am a history buff and an absolute lover of memoirs and soon found my way into the section, happening upon “To Smile In Autumn” by Gordon Parks. I have seen lots of his work, but did not know much about the man, the journey, the legacy. The presence of celebrity and fame has never interested me; I always want to hear about the path. Find the answers to the questions; How did you get to this place? What struggles did you encounter? How did you escape them? Did you escape them? How does your art reflect your story? How does art reflect you, the person behind the artistry?  The mystery behind the man on the cover spoke to me so without reading the description, I purchased the book, took it home and set it on the shelf where it rested until last week.

[“I had returned an unlikely loner still driving failure from my dreams, still being pulled by something up ahead- something hinted there was more luck in store, but that first I would have to pay for it.”]

As I examined the book in my hand, I realized that I am on a desperate search for comfort. For a common knowledge and understanding in knowing that the emotional and physical trials I encounter for my art are not in vain. That my sanity indeed has a price tag dangling from it and it’s up to me to maintain the value. That the blood I donate in each piece I create will supply life to the audience. That my voice is important and necessary. That this, all of this has a purpose. While sitting on the floor in my bedroom as I have taken to doing lately, I glanced up and saw the book, forgetting that it was there. I picked it up, read the back and was drawn in by one line. “It was not always an easy journey, but by age thirty-six he had overcome many obstacles to be a well-known photographer and writer for Life magazine.” I opened the first page and was captured instantly.

["Eventually I was an island unto myself, stretched taut over the dream that was now fulfilling itself. No more ill-cut Harlem suits; no more barbeque joints; no more warm black laughter. Only an inexplicable loneliness."]

I am weeks away from publishing a new book and this time around, for some reason, there is more fear, doubt, worry, than excitement about this new project. During this process, I have had to reevaluate why I do this. Why do I pour myself out onto the page, flawed and all for people to critique, judge, examine, love, hate? Why do I continue to produce hoping to… to what? That is the question. I am proud of my work. Proud of this new collection of everything I am, but something is holding me back…For so much of my day, every day, I feel invisible. A nameless, faceless presence that fulfills tasks, answers in the affirmative, reflects light in darkness, but is never actually… seen. The art is appreciated, but rarely are the real raw feelings that were necessary to create the art acknowledged. The poem you read about hearts being broken, came from a broken heart. From pain, and rage, and tears and laughter and contentment and peace. I am a human. Who bleeds and cries and melts into hugs and folds herself into smiles. I am emotional and moody, and I believe that I am so aware of all of this because I am spend so much of my every day being…invisible.

[“Foreigner to myself...”]

So many times, I have wanted to reach out to the people in my circle. The people who understand me without any explanation, jokes or fanfare. The ones who would listen through my ramblings, frustrations and tears and understand, but I feel like I have said these words before. I feel like these words have become worn down and ragged from exposure, leaving nothing but holes and broken thoughts. I can't articulate the why, the how, the who, the what, it just is. I just feel. It’s rather simple, but I don’t know what to say. So instead of trying to force the feelings away with a joke, or funny anecdote, I choose to sit with them, feel all of them, and know without a doubt that it is temporary. Painful, heavy, confusing, but necessary.

[“Even during the worst times there was always a feeling of promise deep inside me-a feeling to either grab at or let fall away. Such feelings seemed trivial then, but now I realize how important they were to my reaching out for whatever I would eventually become.”]

I have stopped trying not to be melancholy, learning to allow it. Stopped trying to avoid these questions, understanding that it is better to simply face them and learn, grow, stretch, reach. Each tug at my soul is valid, and scary, and exciting, and everything I’m feeling will be worth going through the trip if I can force myself past the emotions and create it out.

["My lack of education had also helped perpetuate the fear, and perhaps that is why i eventually tried so many different things to stay alive. If one failed there would always be something else to fall back on. I imagined all the possible nightmares I might have, and I thought up ways to escape them. If I went blind I could still play the piano well enough to make a living. If I lost my leg I could still compose music or even take pictures. Nothing was overlooked.”]

This book is right on time, exactly what I need in this moment. Validation that what I am experiencing is not new. People I respect and admire and whose careers I dream of, traveled down their respective paths, but were met with similar branches causing familiar cuts and bruises on their faces, chests, arms, legs. These feelings will produce scars that will become my badge of honor. Reminding me of the courage it takes to live out your art. Live out your dream. [I am] Living out my dream.

[“…but loneliness, I knew, was a small price to pay.]

Loneliness, fear, anxiety, all of it, is a small price to pay. I understand without a doubt, that no matter what I am feeling, and forever how long I am feeling it, nothing is going to be big enough to stop me from creating. Even when I try, somehow, someway, my pen begins to move again, my mind begins to create again and after a few pages, a few stanzas, a few lines, all is right in my world. These feelings mean that I am vulnerable. That I am open to the possibilities and sensitive enough to reshape and create. I am where I’m supposed to be. I am feeling how I am supposed to feel. James Baldwin said that “Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.” Love [art], is a growing up, but in the end, the pain is always worth it.

 

March 18, 2011

Always be True: The Remix

*Excerpt from the upcoming Poetry Project: dreams are not concerned (Spring 2011)

 

Always Be True

 “I know who I am and I am always me, although I can be really intense at times …Sometimes I’m a sullen girl, disillusioned with the world’s backwardness, angry at the wrongs, can’t get pen and paper in my hands quick enough. Sometimes I’m thoughtful, calling my loved ones to pour out why I appreciate them, singing my thanks. Sometimes I’m shy, painfully transparent, sharp at times, at others silly. I am one intense adjective at a time, and while I’m there, I don’t resist those feelings. I rest in those moments. I try to taste them, wrap myself in them as hard as I can. I call it freedom, and I suppose if I wasn’t the way I am, I wouldn’t have the careers I do. Maybe I’m nuts (probably), but I notice that when I fight myself, suck myself in, I lose all the stuff, the fruit, the core of me that I enjoy the most.” 

~Jill Scott

Sometimes I am complicated, unable to accurately articulate the reason for the tears, the laughter, the attitude, the quiet. Sometimes I want to be silent in my feelings. Acknowledging each emotion as it comes, allowing each one to pass by as slowly as a rolling cloud, giving them a perfect space to breathe. Sometimes I get emotional over moments that most allow to pass by without thought; the sight of my brother dancing in my living room; the perfect moment of sitting down in the quiet of a genuine conversation; the crisp crackle of the cover opening on a brand new book. I live for these moments, sometimes.

I am a giant contradiction: Loving attention while fearing it. Traveling on a constant quest for human contact all the while thirsting for solitude. Choosing books over movies, live shows over iPods, thrift stores over major chains, I live for originality.

I am classic, yet evolving; comfortable, yet unsettled in my intensity. I choose love. Always. I tried, fell, slipped, tripped, landed into my own arms, melted into my own embrace, resting safely in the first place I could find that was simply enough to carry the weight of all that I am, all that is me; finally I understand how important it is and what it truly means to fall in love, all over again.

I choose to enjoy the days that bring life, the light moments, the bright moments. The truth that lies in between the dark moments, I can breathe there. Be there, observe who I choose to believe there; I am liberated in the comfort of my own skin. Complete. Comfortable. Aware. I choose to grow here, constantly show, improve and believe here, respecting the contradictions, remembering that I need to believe in who I am and who I was meant to be.

February 10, 2011

Well

I haven't posted in quite some time.

Work is kicking my butt.

Asthma is kicking my butt.

My new book is kicking my butt.

 

But those are not excuses. Life is becoming so real over the last few weeks and I have been concentrating on embracing it. I have decided not to write any new projects for a year. Yep. I said it. 2011 is a writing free zone for me. I want to take some time to live. Breathe. Allow life to touch my face and let me feel it. i want to collect stories, burn holes in my journal, enjoy the immense pleasure of opening my mailbox and simply finding a letter that is handwritten by someone who took the time to think about me. 

Pleasure. 

So i apologize faithful blog readers. Your support means the world to me. Please know that. I will check in. Take moments to breathe and feel... life. 

Yes. 

I love you all. I will be back soon. 

 

Peace Y'all

B

December 24, 2010

Untitled: Preperation

Simple thoughts of the moments in between the quiet, silent, screaming, revelries of the answers before the test, the clues before the questions, the honesty before the doubt, the kisses... the kisses... the kisses that ignite, light, darken, insight, twist, turn, birth, create, shout that the time has come...prepare, seek, eliminate the fear, the thoughts that scare me with their frequency, fluidity, force that allows the truth to play hide and seek there between the words that mean so much to my own... I'm asking the silence to guide me into the stillness where my mind can rest, reset, reevaluate and my lips can smile, and bend until they are no longer numb to the sensation of your simple, timid, gentle, butterfly kiss...

December 23, 2010

Just....

Music... 

Don't Let Me Down Lyrics by Amel Larrieux

I watch your lips moving
I see the words taking shape
But love's like a language
I cannot translate
I can't afford to be careless
And let you in
I turn my head for one minute
And lose everything

Wish I had someone whom I could lean
Cause everybody's always counting on me
With my hands held real tight
Always ready to fight
For the few pieces of joy I have now
You have turned on a light
And I've lost my sight
But my heart still remembers the sound
Of a dream of a love one day found
Of a dream of a love one day found
So don't let me down

Your past it may be rocky
But your present is clear
My present situation
Is the sum of all my fears
I take responsibility for the few things I done right
But I got so much on my plate
I'm scared to take another bite
Wish I had someone on whom I could lean
Still I don't want no one's charity

With my hands held real tight
Always ready to fight
For the few pieces of joy I have now
You have turned on a light
And I've lost my sight
But my heart still remembers the sound
Of a dream of a love one day found

Heartbreak and bullets can try
To steal any good from my life
Fathers and lovers have lied
Rivers have flowed from my eyes
Never seen love face to face
Just seen it walking away
Why would you think I would recognize
Something that's never been mine

You have turned on a light
And I've lost my sight
But my heart still remembers the sound
Of a dream of a love one day found
You're the dream of a love one day found
And the freedom from what kept me bound
And a promise of staying around
My eyes may not work for me now
But my heart sure remembers the sound
So if you saying it
Please say it loud
And don't let me down

 

 

November 16, 2010

Happy Things

 

Last week I found myself in Holyoke, MA for a conference for my job. The trip was interesting to say the least, but instead of dwelling on the shenanigans that happened, (yes, racism is still alive and well in the country, no Brandelyn is not made to live in extreme cold, and no I will probably never go back to Holyoke again) I will instead focus on the positive outcomes that came from the trip.

 

The biggest and most important thing is that I have fallen back in love with the Bay Area. I can’t really say that I fell out of love, but I got comfortable, complacent and bored. I stopped appreciating the freedom that I have here. I can be my size, my color, have my hair be as big and as loud as it wants to be and all I get for it are nods of acknowledgement on the street from strangers and marriage requests from various cab drivers and homeless men on the street. I can be free and me and I love that about the Bay.

 

I have been really happy ever since I came home. My eyes have been reopened to all of the positive things going on around me and to me and, even though I usually do this in my Gratitude Journal, I would like to share my Gratitude list with you all today. =D

 

I am grateful for:

 

1. My book signing tonight. I am participating in a local fundraiser for my job and I was asked to participate as a Community Author. I already have 5 books pre ordered and a lot of excitement about the event. This makes me very happy.

 

2. The fact that it is 78 degrees outside. After nearly freezing to death, the fact that the sun is out, the sky is perfectly blue, and there are sounds of kids playing outside my office brings so much peace to my life. I now know for a fact that Brandelyn and arctic weather are not a good mix. Thank you and Go Bears

 

3. This Tea my coworker just gave me. Coconut Chai Black Tea with Cinnamon, Ginger and Island Coconut = Heaven. Now before I get a side eye from my mother who knows how much I dislike the taste of coconut I should say that this tea tastes more like ginger and cinnamon than coconut, but it is amazing. And it is a black tea so it is waking me up and giving my life. I may have to say so long to coffee and get on the healthy train. We shall see.

 

4. The fact that I'm going to see my brother in a little bit. I really love that he works at my job now. It is amazing how getting hugs from some who genuinely loves you every day can boost your moral.

 

5. My girl Alise’s blog. This woman is not only ridiculously hilarious, but she is also a phenomenal poet. I check in on her blog during the day, and I always find something that makes me smile, shake my head in judgment, or literally laugh out loud. It really doesn’t get much better. Check out her blog, and my I suggest Smurfgate? This had me in tears.

 

 

6. I am grateful to be an artist, poet, and writer. I am so grateful that God has given me gifts that are therapeutic and allow me to escape the world around me and just breathe. I am excited about my upcoming project and all of the projects that will come in the future. I am excited to be challenged and stretched as an artist and I look forward to seeing where I wind up.  

 

I’m glad that I went to Massachusetts and that I went through what I went through there. I’m glad that I am able to see and appreciate the world around me all the more because of that trip. Everything happens for a reason and if we take a moment to pause and look at the big picture, instead of what’s right in front of us, we may be able to find the beauty in this thing we call life.

 

Peace Y’all

B

November 05, 2010

Simplify

 

 

Last night, my best friend, who is in town for work, came to my house to spend the night and subsequently help me get my life in order. We sat down for our usual pow-wow and I began filling her in on how I have been spending my days. I gave her a day by day break down of my life and she gave me the straightest face I have ever seen.

 

Please see below:

 

 .

 

Right. That's all I'm saying. But her look was justified, I can definitely give her that. 

 

To give you an idea of why she went Samuel L. on me, here is a sample of my life and activities:

Full Time Job

Delta Sigma Theta Sorority Incorporated (which more times than not is my sanity in the storm)

Hosting a bi-weekly Bible study at my house

Editing a Memoir

Ghost Writing a book

Putting the final touches on my own project *details coming very soon

Mentoring the Children

Singing on the Praise Team at church

Singing in the Choir at Church

 

 

Needless to say, my life is beyond packed. The other night I sat down on the couch and woke up to the sound of water spilling from the cup I had in my hand because I had literally passed out. You would think that this would be enough of an indicator that I had a problem, but I simply threw a towel on the floor, made my way to my bed and passed out there. The next day, I wore myself out again and kept it pushing. I have resorted to drinking massive amounts of Coffee, not for taste or pleasure, but for survival. I have now gotten to a point where my day cannot start until I have had my coffee. When did I become THAT girl?

 

I realize that I must actually be allergic or afraid of down time. I don’t know how to slow down, take a break; relax. Everything needs to be scheduled in, calculated, planned down to the tee because as you can see, I don’t have time to waste. Every single moment is accounted for and I have this incessant need to be DOING something. I love being busy, focused, it helps me be productive and handle my business. But my best friend had a great point, being busy is perfectly fine, but being overwhelmed and passing out on the moment I stop for more than five seconds is a red flag and I need to slow down. I think they have a word for it…what is that? Oh yeah, vacation.

 

The theme of the school year at my job is Simplicity and I am now conscious that I need to find this and practice this in my own life. I am definitely a woman of my word and I am committed to my current activities for the duration of the school year but I am going to practice what I preach and not take on any more commitments until at least January. I am going to get some things off of my plate and clear my space a bit. It is okay for me to back down and relax. I can do this. I can simplify. The first step is acknowledgement right?

 

Peace Y’all!
B

 

October 15, 2010

4 Page Letter

I'm not sure if I told you all about the mini revolution I've started, but I am actually really excited about it. A few months ago, my dear, dear friends Jill and Alex took me to the African American Museum in Exposition park.

PAUSE: Let me just take a moment to say something about Exposition Park... Whoever came up with the concept for this "park" is a GENIUS!!! For the mere cost of 8 dollars for parking, patrons get access to 5 museums, an IMAX Theatre (for an additional fee, but still very fly), a rose garden, a butterfly garden and hours and hours of trash talking about the U$C campus and now empty football stadium (haha)  if you are anti-U$C as I am. Go Bears. There are also plenty of vendors around for all of your thirst, ice cream and hamburger needs and with the Southern California sunshine, there are plenty of photo ops throughout the day. I mean, really, you can't go wrong!!

AND WE'RE BACK: So we went to Exposition Park and I was absolutely blessed to see an exhibit by the great American artist John T. Scott. (http://www.leh.org/john_scott_art/johnscott_front.html). This man was amazing. He worked in absolutely EVERY medium you can think of. I mean honestly. We saw pieces from Acrylics and oil paintings, to giant wood carvings, to sculpture, steel, calligraphy, glass blowing... you name it, he did it. Absolute GENIUS!!! As we were walking through his exhibit, me with journal in hand of course, taking notes and writing down ideas that were inspired by this man's talent, I came across a series of encased boxes that held letters he had written to friends over the years. He created his own paper (Right...) and of course used the beautiful calligraphy making each letter a priceless work of art when really all he was saying was, "I'm really excited to be visiting you next month. I can't wait."

As I paused at each letter, reading his thoughts it hit me that letter writing is truly a lost art. Everything is instant, and yes, I am quite guilty of being utterly obsessed with all things Google, but what happened to the days of writing letters? I made a decision right then and there that I was going to bring this back. I sent out a message to my people on Twitter (which by the way I have reinstated @BeeNCeedotcom if you would like to follow) and started my own pen pal relationships. I got really inspired and creative and started dying paper in coffee and tea, mixing in food coloring, using special scissors and cut outs, I mean, I have gotten fancy with my letters. I had to go out and purchase stamps because honestly, who uses THOSE things anymore (and Sidebar #2...what happened to the Black Heritage series? I still have my 34 cent Langston Hughes Stamps and am waiting to get my hand on a Zora, Nikki and Alice stamp. Come on USPS...let's make moves..) and got to work.
After going through a few rounds of back and forth with my pen pals, I have discovered a few advantages to this process...

   1. I have to tell you, there is definitely a certain joy that comes with taking the time to sit down and compose a letter. I find myself be a lot more honest and open when I do this and I just love the feeling of pen and paper in my hand.

   2. The older you get, the less interesting your mail becomes. Matter of fact, there are many days when you breathe a sigh of relief because your mailbox is empty, but maybe that is just me. Yet, in the days of bills, credit card offers, election propaganda, magazines that pile up until you get sick and finally have some time to read, it is a wonderful feeling to open your mailbox and find a handwritten letter waiting for you. The sight of that alone can change the course of your day.

   3. If you are a creative nerd like I am, you begin to enjoy the challenge of creating something different and new each time you send out a letter. It is actually fun and it is special because in a very quiet way, it shows the person you are writing that you care.

Each time I talk to someone about my idea they get excited. A friend of mine sent me a text asking me to send him a letter and I went next door and knocked on his apartment and handed him a post it. Don't do too much sir. LOL! But the point is, we need to bring this back. We are losing our history by depending so much on technology. Where would be be without the handwritten diaries of former slaves, or the letters between Zora and Langston? Take a minute and think about that. It is very important to find ways to preserve who we are now for future generations. With that said, I encourage you to call a friend that you haven't seen in a while and get their address! It doesn't have to be a long letter, but send them a quick note and let them know you are thinking about them. I'm telling you, it will become your therapy before you know it!

Peace Y'all and remember..."The Revolution will NOT be televised..."

Peace Y'all
B

October 14, 2010

Stress Relief....

Stress Relief....

    There has been a lot going on lately. I mean a lot. Every day it seems like I get knocked over the head with some phone call, email, text message (any surprise that I am totally anti-technology? Its really a defense mechanism, but I digress...) carrying some sort of announcement that invites the familiar ting of anxiety into my day. Most of these announcements are little things, but little things pile up and before I know what's happening, I'm popping Tylenol PM every night just to get to sleep. Its a vicious cycle I tell you.


   As an artist, I have learned about the power of escaping the woes of the day through a book, movie, or music, or some other creative art, so this time I decided to take a stab at a new book.  Thanks to my obsession with all things Alice Walker, a second shot at reading Meridian seemed like the logical move to make. The book is brilliant, I am totally excited about it, but 10 pages in, I realized this story about Black Women and the Civil Rights movement (one of my passions) was agitating the stress ball in my stomach and maybe this wasn't the best time to dig my heels into this particular book. It happens.

Yesterday as I was sitting in the copy room at work, waiting for the lamination machine to warm up, So I could make my super sexy "Where is Brandelyn" pinwheel...

 

my eyes landed on one of the class book shelves and much to my delight there were all three copies of the Diary of A Wimpy Kid Series. I excited grabbed the first book, read the first page and knew that this was exactly what I needed.


First off, look at the cover...




The exaggerated stick figures alone are enough to insight giggles, but the story line is actually entertaining and certainly brings up a sense of nostalgia from those awkward days gone by.

    I found myself trying to read pages to friends, but only being able to giggle my way through the retelling. I wound up staying up way later than my bed time (yes, I said bedtime. You try having to get up at 5:30 every morning and see how you do without a "bedtime") (and yes I do realize that this means I'm getting old, but I get evil when I don't get to sleep, so really it's the small thing I do for all humanity.) just so I could stay up to read. Of course here on day two I am more than half way through this 'novel with pictures' but I have to tell you, it was just what the doctor ordered. I showed a section to my coworker who had a scowl on his face and he instantly started laughing. I am learning that life really and truly is about the little things. Yes this book was written for second graders, but honestly, sarcasm and comic relief is for all ages. I'm glad I picked up this book and encourage you to do the same.

Long live BOOKS!!!

Peace y'all!
B



 


October 13, 2010

Writer's Off

    Yesterday was a day that I had to call in for reinforcements. Every writer knows about the creative archenemy, something we call "Writer's Block." Recently I had been introduced to something far more deadly than a simple block. I was introduced to a new phenomenon called "Writer's Off." It crept up on me slowly, quietly, I honestly didn't even see it coming. I found myself starting books, but not finishing them. Now, this is not an abnormal practice for me and my A.D.D., but this has never happened with a book that I was actually enjoying. The Biography of Alice Walker captured my attention from word one, but 9 weeks into the book and I'm still not finished. I should have known something was amiss.

    Next came my attempts to write. A few weeks ago I made the grand announcement that I was going to have a writers weekend and I was going to be shut off from the world. I turned off my phone, shut down my internet, moved the dining room table into the living room (for energy shift) and sat down to work. A few hours of nothing later, I wound up laying on my living room floor, underneath the dining room table that I was too lazy to move and slipped into the Season one DVD collection of Ugly Betty. (I still honestly love that show!) When my circle asked me how writing went... I told them. I managed to start a bunch of ideas, but nothing quite formed itself into an actual piece, but I was already on disc 2 of the series. That is progress!
    I always get really frustrated in these moments because they feel so solitary. In reading Alice's book,

 

all the writer talked about was how Alice was constantly writing. Everyday she was producing first drafts of brilliance and then moving on to the next. I wish i had that power because I literally have an entire shelf full of copies of the manuscript for Everybody Plays the Fool

 

 in my living room because that poor book went through at least 8 drafts before it saw the light of day. I always have ideas flowing through my head. Concepts that I am jotting down on any scrap of paper I can find, hoping to capture it before I completely forget. But lately, I have not had the creative gumption to make the piece happen. I have brand new spiral notebook full with false starts and stutters and eventually I think I just gave in and lost myself in those dang Ugly Betty Dvd's.
    Somehow, someway, something sparked in my yesterday and I realized that I needed an intervention. I called my brother who can be General Patton when I need him to because I knew that if there was anyone on the planet who could whip me back into writing shape, it would be him. True to form, he gave me exactly 10 minutes to write a 400 word review for a project he was working on, then gave me until 11 pm that night to complete a short story. The challenge lit a fire underneath my butt and got me moving. I was able to complete both assignments with an hour to spare and it felt great. The short story is definitely a draft, but I have a draft and it feels fantastic. I put that extra hour to good use and did some character development on another story idea I'm playing with and even thumbed through my book of baby names (best 25 cents I ever spent at a thrift store) and came up with names for my new characters. I spent a few minutes this morning perusing the website of one of my new favorite artists

 

(http://www.sarajofrieden.com/) (I mean Really?! How amazing is this?!) and felt my skin begin to tingle as I allowed my imagination to fold itself into the colors and swirls of the paintings. I suppose just like exercising I am going to have to ease my way back into a routine, but it feels so good to have gotten started. I can do this, I will do this because if I don't, I will have General Patton breathing down my neck, and forcing me to get in to shape.

I would also like to dedicate this blog to my love Chereese. Thank you for reminding me that I have a responsibility to write. Its not about me. =D

Peace Y'all
B

April 27, 2010

Be Easy...

I made a couple of decision this morning as I sat in my window drinking tea and watching the rain fall. Sure, I had already overslept and was definitely going to be late for work, but I figured, I might as well enjoy the moment instead of stressing out. So, as I sat there, watching the rain, sipping my peach tea, I realized that the time had come for Brandelyn to reemerge. So, faithful readers, I present to you my new and improved plan of action.

1. I am going to start painting again. I just placed an order of journals and I’m going to head to my favorite art store and get a few canvases just to get it flowing. My goal is to create some pieces to donate for an upcoming event. I have realized that if I have a goal in mind, then I am a lot more productive. And I have been slacking on a few orders for journals, so now is the time to make amends. I brought my sketchpad and famous Lakers pencil bag to work and during my break, I am going to start flushing out ideas. I’m very, very excited.

2. I started working out again, but this time I am doing it with a different mentality. Instead of stressing myself out about losing weight and feeling totally defeated and discouraged when I don’t work out or if it starts raining and totally messing up my plan, now I am working out for the simple reason that it feels good. It is a genuine stress reliever and it prompts me to start my day off right with prayer and breakfast. Two things I don’t visit frequently enough.

3. Unfortunately, or fortunately, simply put, I had to cut some people off. Yes, I had to trim my branches so I can grow. I found this time that it wasn’t difficult. I have discovered that I am deathly allergic to negativity, whether it is directed at me specifically or not and I am making conscious efforts to surround myself with people who know the importance of speaking life. I can’t hang with folks who are dissatisfied with their life and refuse to do anything about it but complain. I can’t hang with folks whose sole purpose is to stunt my growth. I can’t hang with folks who are not comfortable with their own identity and cannot handle my light. I need to be around people who are excited about their potential and are willing to work toward it. I need breathing space. You can’t breathe and grow around weeds so I had to clean out my garden so I can enjoy it.

 

I think the bottom line is that I am ready to live, be free, enjoy life, seek my path and follow it. I am learning to enjoy the bumps in the road because once I get over it, I have learned something brand new. I’ve been quiet lately, just spending time with one or two people who are uplifting. It’s been feeding my soul and I need that. So all and all, I am in a very good space. I am excited about the possibilities and ready to start over, fresh, new. Suddenly I have to be protective of myself, my feelings, my joy. They are too big to tuck away inside of me, they have to shine free, but now it’s important for me to figure out the best method for me to let it all hang out. I’m excited and I am calm. Calm because I know I am making the right choices and I am doing what I have to do in order to achieve my goals. The folks who don’t understand weren’t meant to, and that is what it’s about. =D

 

Peace Y’all

 

B

 

 

 Photo Credit:

www.ximnet.com.my/.../comments.asp?id=312

April 21, 2010

Leaves

Today i am choosing to stand tall, protected, covered, aware, dry, happy and free underneath the protective cover of these leaves. The storm is blowing wild and angrily but the ground underneath my feet is dry. My hands are free from extra protective covering leaving my mind and eyes free to soak in the gray fluffy beauty of the sky, its quiet here. Bodies bustle past, anxious to find shelter unable to pause, breathe, reflect and sing, soaking in the moments, yes i think I'll rest here, under the protection of these leaves, allowing myself a moment to seek the center of my happiness, the comfort of my soul. These leaves will keep me hidden, comfortable, safe and quiet. Yes. This is exactly where i need, want and desire to be.

 

Someone please. Hide me. 

 

Photo Credit: 

tinyshowcase.com/artwork.php?id=1697

April 19, 2010

My Light/Your light...Shine on

I fell

Slipped

Tripped

Landed

Into my own arms

Melted into my own embrace

Resting safely

In the first place I could find that was simply enough to carry the wieght

Of all that I am

All that is me

Finally I understand how important it is

And what it truly means

To fall in love

With me

 

            I recently learned a very important lesson. There have been a lot of changes going on in my world and I have had to learn how to deal with the voices. I have seen that whenever you move into something new, when you get a new job, or have a positive move in your career, or you join an organization, or you get a new car, a new house, or whatever it is, there is always going to be someone around who wants to throw water on your fire. There is always going to be someone who wants to try to break you down and make you feel bad for whatever reason, most likely jealousy, but that is a whole other story. It is so sad that people feel the need to do this, but on the other hand, it is so necessary because it taught me how to simply shut out the voices.

            Anyone who knows me, knows how sensitive I am. They know that I will spend hours mulling over a word or a comment or a look, trying to figure out what I did wrong. Sometimes things are justified but sometimes people are blinding by the light in you and want to try to black it out. I have had to learn to simply not let that happen. I have to take the fact that folks spend time sitting around talking about me and what I’m doing as a compliment. I have to rest in the promises that God has given me and know that with that comes a lot of challenges. I also have to rest in the fact that God has given me the strength to deal with all of those challenges.

            I am daily realizing my worth. It is not in my talents, or my bank account, or my status, but it is simply in the fact that God created me, and He created me to look, feel, think, create, dream, laugh, dance, sing exactly as He envisioned. That is enough for me. Even as I am writing this I am getting encouraged because God is whispering to me that He loves me. He loves me. He loves me. And that is all that matters.

            So let people talk. Let them say what they want to say. Acknowledge how you feel about it and then move on. It is important to have people say and do negative things to and about you because it makes you appreciate those who love and support you all the more. Keep your focus on God’s promises. Hide the word in your heart and remember that God will set the table for you in the presence of your enemies. You are special, fearfully and wonderfully made and that is something that should be celebrated. Rejoice in the fact that people can’t handle your light and enjoy the fact that people who love you will throw on a pair of sunglasses and get right in step with you.

            Life is too amazing, too beautiful, too precious to be wasted on negativity. If you aren’t happy with something or someone in your life, you have the power to make all of the changes you need to make. My thing lately is to LIVE! I know that that sounds simple, but we forget to do it. We forget to smile, laugh, enjoy the breeze, sit in the sun, read a book, give a hug, call someone and tell them that you love them, we forget to live.

            I keep hearing in church that ten is a number of completion. That this is the year that God is going to close all of the loops and holes and bring all of the things you have been waiting for to light. I can say first hand that that is the absolute truth. I never ever thought that my dream of becoming a Delta would ever come true, but guess what… OO-OOP. God brought it to fruition in His timing and it was perfect timing and I love the women I came in with and under. God gave me promises about my writing career and as I sit here waiting for confirmation from nationally syndicated shows who want to interview me about U.G.L.Y.  I KNOW that God is in the mix. I am settling into my light. I refuse to hide it, I refuse to run from it. I refuse to be ashamed of it. God created me to be all that I am, so I am going to rest in that.

            Be who you are! Let people talk!! Walk in your light!!! And know that you are an original and worthy of all the talk! I am swallowing these words too! Please believe that!!

 

Peace Y’all

B

 

 

February 13, 2010

Cabin Fever Rantings

I’m tired of being so serious all the time. All of this self discovery, soft music with guitar strings, candle light, cabin fever, Nyquil haze, despising my job, but loving the kids I work with, I need a break. Some laughter, a day off walking down Haight street, buying random stuff I don’t need and can’t afford, but doing it anyway because it makes me smile. I’ve been reading blogs, gazing at photos, basking in the artistic broodiness of other artists and it hit me that I haven’t had fun in a long time. Pure honest, laughter, sunshine, outside, good company fun. Now that this cold has simmered down to the sniffles, I think I am going to take advantage of this three day weekend and relax on Haight Street tomorrow. I just need some fun.

 

I'm gone... 

January 30, 2010

The Way I Am

The Way I am

1/28/10

 

 

Standing in the kitchen

One sock on

The other on the living room floor

Eating cold pasta

Blended together with whatever I could find

In a coffee mug

That is chipped on one side

But I liked the color

So I refused to ever let it go

Even when you laughed and joked

At the feathers in my hair

I remember the smell of your scent

As you stood too close

To pull each and every one of them from my curls

You looked down at me and I could feel your need

To simply be close to me

You were always there to catch me

Even if it was with a laugh

I miss you

The way your body seemed so in tune with mine

And how your precision fit in with the

Stutter

Stumble

Step of mine

And how you loved every awkward piece of who I am

I’m standing here thinking of you

And how much you loved

The way I am

 

© 2010 Brandelyn N. Castine

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Photo Credit: flickr.com/photos/84878335@N00/417954360

January 29, 2010

Lyrical Contradictions

Nice

Your lips grazed the bareness of my shoulder
Replacing the moisture the sun sucked away
I turned my head slightly
Pausing from the poem i was writing
About you
To show you the corner of my smile
Purposely stroking your ego
To let you know i am pleased
To have you near me

© 2010 Brandelyn N. Castine

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Not so Nice

List # 3: In Search of Sanity  1/28/09

  1. Sometimes I have to sit outside to remember that life is worth living.
  2. It’s cold outside today
    1. I’d rather be outside, breathing, surrounded by life
    2. Than inside and wondering what the purpose of life is
    3. Not suicidal: Calm Down. -_-
  3. I run from things I feel are unnecessarily difficult. And not worth fixing.
  4. Lord. I need a smile today. A familiar face. Not even familiar. I need to see the face of someone who loves me.
  5. Me.
  6. Who is that?
  7. For a brief time I thought I’d met her. I thought we had finally met face to face and I had convinced myself that I like her. Wanted to be close to her. But she never sticks around long enough for me to touch her and see if she is real
  8. I suddenly feel exposed and unsafe. Like my light shield is down and I am a target for the blows of the enemy
  9. I feel them. Each and every shot
  10. maybe that’s why I am so drained. All of my blood is gone. Dripped out of my body and not there is only skin and bone left
  11. maybe this is who I really am. A moody, broody girl who is searching honestly, and authentically for a reason to smile
  12. Sidebar: Black men are overwhelmingly beautiful to me. I wonder if they know that. How beautiful they are.
  13. *Turns the mirror to self: Do you see how beautiful YOU are?
  14. I feel like a hypocrite. Fake. Unable to let the truth hang out and dangle freely
    1. I just posted a bunch of love poems on facebook
    2. Dedicated to someone who isn’t mine and to someone who never was
    3. Wondering if people will read them

                                                               i.      Poetry Break: I fell asleep on a pile of papers

Balled up nuances that tried

And failed

To accurately describe you

And found the words in my dreams

                                                             ii.      See? I don’t know where it comes from

    1. I write anyway because really its for me and it is a large key to my sanity *bright light on a cloudy day
  1. I’m really cold
  2. Feeling Invisible
  3. I think I have been alone too long. I haven’t spent quality time, hours of conversations laughter, hugs, tears, face to face time with someone I love in a long time
  4. Too cold to sleep now. My bones have frozen. Wish I still had blood inside of me to keep me warm.
  5. this is me: today.
  6. tomorrow will be better
 

 

January 28, 2010

Bedtime Ramblings

 

Oh dear, dear piece of paper and pen. I feel like right now, you are the only one I can talk to. Slightly dramatic, but still overwhelmingly true. I need a space to write this out, free these truths, figure out what to do. My face hurts. Literally. Like it is tender to the touch and I appreciate the pain because he was the cause. His personality, his wisdom, his everything, causes my face to hurt, and I like it. I’m curious about him. A curiosity that makes me play hide and seek then run back to make sure he didn’t leave. But he’s here. Right here. He didn’t want to let me get off of the phone tonight. Racking his brain for ways to extend the lifeline holding us together, both of us walking away full and content, and warm. Good night my love. My like. Love feels too strong. For the first time, I want to take it slow, because I like you. I do. Because you are aware of my need to feel safe with you. Aware and willing to speak softly, tread lightly, create an availability for me to settle in to you and speak. Thank you and good night. I know I have already greeted you in your dreamland fantasies, now I will close my eyes and wait for you to greet me, too.

January 21, 2010

Always Be True

Always Be True

 

“I know who I am and I am always me, although I can be really intense at times …Sometimes I’m a sullen girl, disillusioned with the world’s backwardness, angry at the wrongs, can’t get pen and paper in my hands quick enough. Sometimes I’m thoughtful, calling my loved ones to pour out why I appreciate them, singing my thanks. Sometimes I’m shy, painfully transparent, sharp at times, at others silly. I am one intense adjective at a time, and while I’m there, I don’t resist those feelings. I rest in those moments. I try to taste them, wrap myself in them as hard as I can. I call it freedom, and I suppose if I wasn’t the way I am, I wouldn’t have the careers I do. Maybe I’m nuts (probably), but I notice that when I fight myself, suck myself in, I lose all the stuff, the fruit, the core of me that I enjoy the most.” 

~Jill Scott

 

When I read these words in Essence Magazine, I literally felt my soul fly free. I felt a weight lift off of my shoulders and instantly I was relieved because I knew that somebody understood…me. Every word felt like it had been snatched from that deep down inside of me place that can never quite articulate how it feels but knows that it feels something that is strong. I am complicated and even though I can’t always say exactly why that is, or how I feel, I am just fine with being exactly who I am. I make it a point to acknowledge my feelings as they come because I have to. I get really emotional over what some people feel are small things, like watching my brother dance in my living room, or soaking in a hug from someone who just means the world to me, or finally sitting down and having dinner with someone special, just to be able to catch up and talk, these moments mean something to me.

 

 

For most of my life I have felt like a gigantic contradiction. I am someone who loves attention, but is scared of it. I am someone who constantly seeks out human contact, but thirsts for solitude. I am someone who prefers books over movies, CD’s over Ipods and thrift stores over department stores. I crave new, old things and wear my grandmother’s jewelry every day because it makes me feel special and beautiful more than the pieces I bought from Tiffany’s. I am classic, yet evolving, growing comfortable in my intensity. I have to be the way I am, think the way I think, dream the way I dream in order to be who God has created me to be. “I suppose if I wasn’t the way I am, I wouldn’t have the careers I do”, yes, yes, yes.

 

 

I woke up this morning and wrote in huge letters across a blank page in my journal: TODAY…I SIMPLY LOVE ME. And I do. I am making more of a conscious effort to respect the person God has created me to be. I am going to bask in all the me-ness I can, because I only get to enjoy my life once. All of the petty things, the concepts created by society, are irrelevant. I am liberating myself for myself and I feel better because of it.

Thank you Jill, for expressing the things I could never articulate and for reminding me that all I have is who I am and to that I must always be true.

 

Peace y’all,

B

 


December 29, 2009

The Anti-resolution

The Anti-resolution

 

I have never been a fan of resolutions. I have always felt that they put unnecessary pressure on you and added guilt which is totally unnecessary. So I want to write about things that I did right in 2009 that I want to continue and enhance in 2010.

 

  1. My mission for self discovery: I have learned so much about myself as a woman and most importantly as an artist. I have come to acknowledge that I am truly an artist, for whatever that is worth. So I am going to continue to explore, examine and appreciate all of my emotions, questions, confusions, doubts and translate them into art. I will continue to embrace whatever I am feeling and allow that to become something tangible that will one day become my legacy.
  2. Appreciating my inner and outer beauty: I feel like I have gotten the upper hand with the low self esteem demon and have learned to accept and appreciate myself for who and what I am and for what I look like. I have come to accept and appreciate my size, my curves, my hair, my lips, my eyes, my ankles, all of the things I used to get teased and talked about, now, I love them. I love all of the things about me that make me unique and every moment I have to glow in my skin. I like me, and I am going to continue to love and appreciate who I am.
  3. Relationship building: I have been blessed with some amazing people/family. Discovering new relatives that push and encourage, motivate, inspire and challenge who I am. People who won’t accept my habit of running for cover when things get bad or scary, who will chase me down when I try to hide and get in my face until I finally break down and talk about what’s really going on. People who care. My uncle called me his daughter in front of a room full of people during thanksgiving and I started to cry because that was the first time I have ever heard a man call me that. I love him for that and I am grateful that I got the chance to tell him that. I have friends that keep me balanced and make me laugh until I cry. I will continue to make the changes in me that will allow me to continue to grow and appreciate those relationships.
  4. Artistic development: I remember the day I told my friend that I was not a poet and I could never write a poem. Ever. I remember the semester I took an art class at my community college for my art requirement and I almost failed because quite honestly, I was terrible at it. I remember the day I almost left UC Berkeley because I was told that I did not have the writing skill necessary to graduate from Cal with a degree in English and I needed to find a new major. I have learned how to reject the ideas and standards of people who simply don’t get it. Thank God I did! I never would have discovered my life’s purpose, my dream, my hope, my reason for getting up every morning if I had listened to people who were unsatisfied with their lives. I have learned to think for myself. To surround myself with like minded individuals who breathe color and creativity. I take criticism for what is, take what I need, leave behind what I don’t and keep moving from there. I will continue to grow, live and breathe, for me.

 

I think the bottom line is that in 2010, I promise to continue using what works, move away from the situations, relationships and circumstances that didn’t. I promise to be okay with who I am and what I am about. I promise to laugh more and bask in the dark blue times and write, paint, sing, or dance my way out of it. I will continue to allow artists like Alice Walker, Paulo Coehlo, Georgia Anne Muldrow, Rahsaan Patterson, Adele, Alvin Ailey, Noah D. James, Justin Sharlman, Frida Kahlo, And Nican Robinson to continue to inspire me. There is so much beauty in the world and I promise in 2010 to live. To move forward with my eyes wide open and regain my consciousness. I am excited about the things to come. I love the promise of a new year, a fresh start. So I will continue down the path I have been on, and keep my eyes open for new avenues to travel down. Happy New Year every one. Let’s make this one even more beautiful then the past.


Peace Y’all

B

 

 

December 28, 2009

Sometimes

December 26, 2009

 

“Avoiding depression with massive daily doses of television programs.” Paulo Coehlo

 

I’ve been doing this for the last couple of days, allowing the voices and mindless dribble of fictitious characters to drown out the voices in my head. Avoiding the questions and the clarity, allowing my mind to pause from its daily work out and just be. If I were to take a moment to be honest with myself, I would say that a lot of the time I don’t even understand myself and I get frustrated because I desperately sift through my relationships searching for someone else who can decipher the clues.

 

Sometimes I beat myself up for not having a smile on my face. When I don’t smile, or can’t feel that moonbeam of joy from somewhere deep within I feel guilty because I have this image to protect, these poems to write and these moments to live to inspire and encourage someone else. But sometimes I just don’t feel like it.

 

Sometimes I feel the need to explain my thoughts, really try to break them down, even when they don’t make sense to me, hoping that if I talk enough, somehow, some way they will make sense. But people don’t always understand that. I don’t talk to hear myself talking, I talk because I need to work some things out and my laptop can’t always provide answers so I reach, hoping that someone will be able to help me make sense of all of this.

 

Sometimes I think about how fragile life is, and how we only have this very moment we are living in and how desperate I am to truly show the people in my world how much they mean to me because this could be the last second we have to share. A lot of people don’t get that. They hear me say I love you and it is met with an immediate mimic of the words, but they don’t hear what I’m saying. I’m saying, you mean the world to me. I appreciate having you in my life. I would do anything for you because… I love you. So I’ve decided to stop saying it. I will let my actions speak for themselves until the words have meaning again.

 

Sometimes I believe in people and sometimes I regret letting people get close to me. I despise being vulnerable and I underestimate the power of having people look at me and just know what is going to come out of my mouth next. I realize that I am becoming slightly antisocial. I prefer one on one, or small group outings where people can talk to each other. I don’t do well in big groups, never have. I wonder what that means.

 

I know that I will snap out of this moment. I have to experience this so I can grow and grow up. To be able to appreciate the sunshine when it comes. Sometimes I just need to breathe, accept how I am feeling and move forward. I need to accept that it is okay to feel this way. That it is okay to wrap myself in shrouds of blue, because I know that I have the power to take it off. Shake loose my hair and smile.

 

Writing is my peace. Even as I get the darkness of some of these thoughts onto the page, I feel my blue shroud beginning to unravel. Today I feel like surrounding myself with music. Music that moves and moves me. I will leave the tv off, step away from the couch and breathe. Another piece of my shroud just dropped to the floor and I feel like a smile is on the horizon.

Today I will get back to my first love, my passion, my purpose, my calling. Novel number 4 is going to come out of this. This quiet time I have been blessed with, this separation from the rest of the world which is necessary for me to have. I am choosing to write. Breathe life onto the page and allow my mind to flow through the greater good. Maybe my characters will help me figure out these thoughts. Maybe that is the world that this complex mind of mine needs to be in for a little while.

 

Ah, yes. There it is. A smile.

 

Peace Y’all

B

 

 

Nican Robinson Photography © 2009

www.nicanrobinson.com 

December 26, 2009

I think: A few random thoughts


I think the bottom half of bagels is the best part. I always have. It’s gets crispier in the toaster and always manages to toast all the way through, making it perfect.

 

I think I am my most sexy when I’m wearing hats. Something about the brim being cocked over one of my eyes makes me feel fly.

 

I think it’s sexy when men were bracelets.

 

I think Jill Scott needs to step back into the limelight. I need her. 

 

I think life is more interesting when we take breaks from technology. When we turn off our cell phones and have an actual face to face conversation with someone and if we turn off our ipods and actually listen to the world as we walk or travel, we can learn a lot more.

 

I think Starbucks coffee is addictive and is slowly becoming my vice. If only the guy who works at my independent coffee shop didn’t develop a crush and become a stalker…

 

I think natural beauty should be celebrated.

 

I think more people should follow their passions instead of doing what they think will make them more money. Having what you need to survive is important, but what good is life if you are miserable living it?

 

I think the Daily love is absolutely right: People treat you the way you teach them to. Don't blame them, train them with love, compassion and self-esteem! I just wish it were that easy sometimes.

 

I think people are going to be interested to meet the new Brandelyn.

 

I think music is a powerful weapon. It always amazes me how you can be in a bad mood, headache, backache all of it, but let YOUR song come on, it all just goes away.

 

I think resolutions are pointless, but I am implementing some life changes now. Not about working out, or eating better, or any of that. My changes are going to happen emotionally. I think because I am so loyal and so dependable that often people think that my feelings don’t need to be considered, but those days are over. I am no longer changing my plans or intentions for anyone else. And I am taking off my name tag that says Plan B. No mas. It’s going to be about me now, and I’m looking forward to the change. I am truly marching to the beat of my drum and I am moving forward.

 

I think that my new way of thinking is going to be a beautiful thing for my art.

 

I think STAYcations are the way to go. Forget traveling and airports and spending money on little trinkets. I plan on camping out in Oakland for my vacation. Spend time in museums, coffee shops, and of course, right at my kitchen table at my laptop. This vacation…ahem…excuse me…STAYcation is the kick off to the new me. I’m also reading 100 years of solitude. Message. LOL!

 

I think the week between Christmas and New Years is my favorite. It is always quiet, peaceful, reflective and productive. This will be my incubation time. I am excited. Yes. I am very excited indeed.

 

Peace Y’all

B

 

 

 

Photo Credit: http://www.boston.com/community/photos/raw/monthly_contest/

December 03, 2009

Brandelyn's Favorite Things

Oprah inspired me once again and I wanted to create a blog about my favorite things. I am going to try some new things here with pictures and links...so...ahem...lets see how this works. I present (in no particular order)...

 

 

Brandelyn's Favorite things...

 

For Spiritual Inspiration:

 

Joyce Meyer's Everyday Life Bible

 


Seriously, with all of the insights and one second prayers, this book has definitely stepped my game up! And of course I couple this with

 

 Solo A devotional by Eugene Peterson:

 


This book...Is ridiculous...Utterly amazing devotion and there are no dates on it, just days, so you don't feel all pressured if you miss a day. Spoken from experience of course. LOL!!

 Brandelyn's Grooming Habits

Now, if you know me even a little bit you know I have an obsession with Carols Daughter. 

Carol's Daughter is like an answered prayer for me and has definitely helped me increase my swagger! I love it!!

My favorite products are:

Black Vanilla Hair Collection

Love Butter

Tui Hair Oil

Jamaican Punch Collection 

 

Sephora also carries their products if you want to go in and smell for yourself, but Carol's Daughter can do no real wrong in my eyes and I am a lifelong customer! 

 

My other obsession is with a company called LUSH. LUSH is all natural products for the entire body!

My favorite thing is the Soft Coeur Massage Bar. Made with Cocoa butter and chocolate, this adds just a hint of goodness to your everyday life. I love it!!

 

Their Bath Bombs are life changing!! My personal favorite is the Mr. Butterball bath bomb.

 

 

This bath bomb leaves your entire house smelling like cocoa butter and vanilla and your skin feeling like soft silk. Amazing!!! Love it!!!!

 

SWEETS:

Now y'all know I have a mean sweet tooth. My favorite thing in the world is (Now) red Velvet Cake. God knows my heart and gave me the gift of Marita's Sweet Potato Pie Shop home of the world's greatest Red Velvet Cake. Their cupcakes are a mere $2.50 and are worth every single penny. Amazingness... Shout out to Marita.

 

 

WEBSITES AND BLOGS:

The Young Writers Block: This is an amazing meeting of the minds that I am so excited to participate in! Good stuff!!

Alice Walker's Blog: Nuff Said

Be Leather: Keeps me up to date on current events, music, celebrities and fashion, while maintaining a high standard of fabulousness! I love this site! 

Noah David James: Thoughts, Poems, paintings, and insights from an emerging artist. This man is the one to watch. 

 Journal of a Sojourner: The blog of one of my favorite poets and fellow classmate. This man is amazing!!

 Medicine for Melancholy: this is a blog i discovered through Twitter. I love the rawness and honesty of it all. Awesome.

For All My Lovely Curvy Ladies: 

Old Navy's Plus Size section is where its at. Unfortunately its only online, but once you discover your size, and read through the reviews which are extremely helpful, your style will increase without breaking your budget in no time. Fantastic times!!

I just bought a beautiful coat that I vow to wear as often as possible! LOL!

 

Yes, Old Navy gets major points with me! 

 

Periodicals

I know this is cliche... but Oprah's magazine is amazing! Like my good friend and Editor Elosi says, "Every time I read this I feel like a new woman!" Touche my friend Touche.

 I could go on and on about my favorite things but I can't give away all of my secrets!! I hope you enjoy!!

Peace Y'all
B

November 30, 2009

I love Me


"How do we begin to come into ourselves fully, in all our perfectly imperfect glory? By letting go of who we thought we had to be, to make way for who we might become." Oprah


I had an epiphany today. I realized that I have truly begun to love the skin I’m in. I can’t help smiling as I say that sentence out loud because if you knew me, if you knew my story, you would know that being able to say that sentence and knowing that it comes from the heart is more than a one of the most important statements I can actually make, it is a testimony.

Even though I rarely saw him, when I did, my biological father was verbally abusive to me as a kid. He would constantly tell me that I was stupid and dumb and ugly and that I thought I was better than I was. At school, and with friends, I would constantly get teased about my weight and frequently felt like I was under some kind of scrutiny because I was always being watched and talked about in the most vicious ways possible.

I was under a lot of pressure from my family to lose weight from junior high on up and went on every single diet program (literally) and every exercise regiment known to man. I was an athlete playing volleyball from 6th grade through my freshman year of college, and I was the captain of my cheer squad for two years. I did a lot of running ,binging, dieting all because I wanted to make my family happy and I wanted to look my moms side who was all in single digit dress sizes. Of course I didn’t realize that it is physically impossible for me to look like them because I am shaped like my father’s Louisiana side of the family. All I knew at the time was that I was the odd man out, the chubby kid who was surrounded by people who loved me but didn’t look like me.

For the majority of my life, I felt like I simply wasn’t good enough. I was never thin enough, smart enough, and rich enough and with all of the constant scrutiny, I had it made up in my mind that I never would be. I lived my life as the ‘friend’ and ‘little sister’ to all of the guys who came my way because I knew that there was no way any of them would be interested in dating someone who looked like me.

I could go on, but needless to say, I had issues, but for some reason, a thought hit me today. Today my eyes opened up and I saw very clearly that God answered a prayer I prayed many, many years ago. It all became crystal clear as I was sitting in Starbucks, at my laptop, wearing my fitted sweater dress and favorite black boots, that, I love me. I actually look in the mirror and appreciate what I see. I no longer look to men to validate me; I can do that for myself. I love that I am actually my favorite person to hang out with. I can spend time with myself all day and be just fine. I don’t need anyone, rather I appreciate having people around.

The things about myself that I used to be afraid to share, my vivid imagination, my obsession with books and colors, my desire to listen to the same song 100 times and my fascination with lyrics, to name a few, are now the very things that make me who I am. They are the very avenues that enable to touch people through my work. They are the avenues that enable me to touch ME through my work. It is a HUGE blessing that with everything I have been through, I am able to love people. I love hard, and I love for life and for a long time I used to be afraid of that, but now I see that it is an amazing gift to have, the ability to love unconditionally and thoroughly, I embrace it. I embrace who I am, the way that I am and I have learned how to take all of the hurt I experienced in the past and use them as lessons for the future. I no longer apologize for who I am, the way I am, the way I look, the fact that I snore, cry at movies and laugh at inappropriate times when I am nervous. I apologize for none of it. I fully embrace all of me and I acknowledge that it is because of God that I can utter these words: I LOVE ME.

The moral of the story is that we all have hurts, handicaps that were designed to keep us down. Make us feel like we won’t be able to accomplish our goals and live our lives, but the trick is to learn how to use those handicaps to our advantage. All those years of being talked about have melted into compassion. All those years of hiding behind books and music to mask my tears have turned into my career. All those years of hating my body, my face, my personality have turned into a gift I can use to help other people learn to love themselves too. I love me. I love who I have become and I love who I am becoming. It is an extreme blessing to be able to utter those words and I have no to thank but God for it. So like Oprah said, I have learned to let go of who I thought I should be and make room for who I was to become, and I am so very glad I did.


Peace Y’all
B

November 25, 2009

Attitude of Gratitude




Being with family, being able to sleep, relax, laugh, and just be, I realize I have a lot to be thankful for. There are people around me struggling for their very sanity and yes, problems come and go, but I am making a very conscious choice to be grateful…

I’m thankful for:
• My relationship with God. It keeps me stable, sane, balanced. It comforts me because it’s true, I know that no matter what I win, because of God. He gives me a reason to smile through it all and I hurt for those who don’t know Him like I do because Jesus truly is my love song.
• My family. The people who made me who I am. The people that gave me all of the jokes, quick wit and taught me how to love the way I do. The people who help me cultivate all of my talents but keep me humble at the same time. The people who make me laugh and cry like no one else can.
• The five senses. It is a blessing to be able to watch the sun rise over the ocean. To watch planes take off over the Bay Bridge before the sun comes up and the sky is dark and the lights are twinkling in the distance. To be able to smell lavender and honeysuckle and feel the wind whip around your face. To be able to hear Jill Scott sing about my life and catch one of those contagious giggles that courses through you and turns into a full out laugh. To be able to feel hugs that can instantly turn your day around and to be able to taste Mommies cooking. I’m grateful that I am able to enjoy every facet of life.
• Art: I love that I am sensitive enough to let a poem, a painting, a book, a dance, a song affect me in a way that I feel like I need to do something with my emotions. That I can go and lose myself in a museum, spend an entire day laying in a park listening to free Latin jazz and staring at the sky creating shapes in the clouds. That I can write out my bad days and dance out my frustration and paint out my tears. I’m grateful that art affects my life and propels me into my own artistry.
• I am grateful that I know my purpose and I am able to work in that. I am grateful to be passionate about my life, my dreams and my goals. I get to see the colors around me and interpret them through my craft. It is a blessing to be an artist and to be able to affect people around me. I enjoy being a positive person, for finding the good in things and people and I am grateful that I am mature enough to no longer feel the need to apologize for that.

I realize that life is special. Its meant to be enjoyed and most of al it meant to be appreciated. Not just on thanksgiving, but everyday. I am clothing myself in optimism because I know that is the only way I will be able to survive. I encourage you to take a moment and honestly think about the things you are grateful for. Take a minute and appreciate the life you have been blessed with. What are you grateful for?

Peace Y’all
B
Today I choose to love the highs and the lows: and learn to find the beauty in the moments in between...

November 17, 2009

The Beautiful U.G.L.Y. Project Volume 4

http://youngwritersblock.org/2009/11/the-beautiful-u-g-l-y-project-volume-4/

October 25, 2009

Peace of Mind

            July 18th, 2009 brought about my 30th birthday. A lot of my friends kept telling me that 30 was the new 20 and could not understand why I was not freaked out about turning the big 3-0. The truth is, I was eagerly anticipating the new decade. I was always quick to say that I didn’t want 30 to be the new 20 because the original 20’s were tough enough and I have no intention of going through that again. LOL! The but truth is, I stood facing this transition with opening arms, ready to embark on this new change.

            Lately I have been thinking a lot about words and how powerful they are. As a kid I was often teased and made fun because of my weight. This pattern continued on through high school and by time I reached adulthood I was so insecure and unsure of myself that it was nearly impossible for me to see myself as anything other than a rejected fat girl who was not the smartest, who was not the brightest and who would probably never get married and have kids because I was not good enough. I would constantly beat myself up and would rarely allow myself to truly think of myself as good enough for anything good. It was really interesting because for most of my life, any time anything good happened, I would always secretly lie in wait for the ball to drop and for that good thing to be taken away from me because I was not good enough to deserve this good thing.

            Of course now in hindsight this sound ridiculous, but this was how I thought about myself for years and years all because of the words people around me constantly threw at me. The other night I was spending some time in prayer and a very simply thought came to my mind: But what does God call me? I have spent so many years worrying about other people and their opinions that I have stopped thinking about what my creator thinks about me. Suddenly I started to think about all of the promises God has whispered to me in my dreams and I began to think about all of the words God says when He looks at me. Precious, anointed, talented, beautiful, one of a kind, able, ready. Every single one of these words was meant to remind me of who I truly am. I have learned that most times people who spend their days talking negatively about other people are often completely dissatisfied with themselves and need to make someone else feel bad to make themselves feel better. It’s a sad thing if you think about it, but it makes sense.

            In all of my 30 years of living, I have learned to do whatever it takes to brush off the opinions of people and remember what God has to say. There are some days when the pressure is too much, but in those times it is important to find some way to remember the positives; to bring your mind back into focus and keep the truth in mind. It’s a constant battle but once you have the right ammunition you will be able to fight as long and as hard as necessary to win the ultimate battle which learning to love yourself no matter what and obtaining a steady and necessary peace of mind.

 

Peace Y’all

 

B

October 24, 2009

Breathe Today

Breathe Today

 

Today was a day where I just went where the wind blew. I woke up well into the morning, cleaned my apartment, caught up with some friends and family, had a fantastic time in my devotion and prayer time, watched Ugly Betty and now I am at starbucks knocking out some writing. Yes, today has been a really good day.

            As I was walking to starbucks I was holding a letter from my little “sister” excited to have an actual letter in my hand. I really want to bring that back. Emails are good for business, but it says a lot when someone takes some time out to sit down and write a letter. And it feels really good to get mail that is not bills or Netflix. LOL. But seriously, the letter was really sweet and when I looked up from reading, yes I was reading and walking at the same time, I had to pause for a moment and take in the sky. Today is a perfect 75 degrees, the sky is perfectly blue without a cloud anywhere. There is a slight breeze keeping it from being hot and it is on these days that it feels amazing to be alive.

            After the motional highs and lows I have been dealing with in the last week, it truly makes me appreciate these moments of just feeling good. There isn’t anything extraordinary going on, but its for that reason that I need to enjoy these moments and just feel good. I am going to spend today with my love, the written word and see what happens. I think might treat myself to dinner tonight, who knows. We will have to see how everything goes. =D That is the beauty of life, it can take you anywhere at any moment and its important to be prepared to flow when the wind blows.

            I want to encourage you to take just a second today and breathe, look around you and find something to appreciate about where you are. I truly, TRULY thank God for allowing me to take a moment to breathe, regroup, get back to what’s important and simply enjoy this day.

 

Peace Y’all

B

September 26, 2009

honesty.

September 24th, 2009

 

For the first time in my absolute life I don’t want to write. Writing is where I am the most exposed, the most vulnerable and I don’t know if I can take anymore emotion today. As I was walking home from work, I tried calling people in my circle and when no one was available, instantly I felt alone. I ask God sometimes why I love the way I do. Why when someone hurts me I can still love them with everything I have. Why can’t I turn it off and just be normal? I feel so alone, even though my rational side reminds me that I’m not. I can dish out love, but I don’t know how to genuinely receive it. I don’t know how to cry. I cry after weeks and months of suppression and finally something tiny will trigger the floodgates. I want to learn how to let people love me. How do I truly accept love and soak in a hug. Pastor Trenese’s death really showed me how much I need to learn how to let people love me. I only let people come in so much, but before things get too deep, too emotional, I will quickly crack a joke or turn the conversation back to them, anything to avoid having to expose myself or deal with my real feelings. I miss Noah. I miss having him to talk to when I need it. He is my person, the one that I can fall apart in front of and he just takes it. He doesn’t try to fix it, he doesn’t try to suppress it, he doesn’t try to make it better. He just creates the space, the safe space, the guilt free space, where I can just let it out. He has taught me a lot about family, and loving people, or allowing them to love me rather. Now that he’s gone I don’t feel like I have that feeling anymore, that family base here in the bay that I can call in a time of need and tonight, I realize that this is because I am blocking it from happening. I am the strong one. I am the one who cares for everyone and I don’t give myself the space to be loved. But the thing is, I don’t know how to change it. How can I change it?

September 11, 2009

Hello…is it me you’re looking for?



Normally, I would NEVER do this, but I can’t think of any other way to express everything that is going on in my head. So…wow…I can’t believe I’m doing this…here is a page from my journal written this morning…

Friday, September 11, 2009
*Lord, please read this page*

The time is 5:30 am and my bear is on the floor along with my pajamas. It was so warm last night that I didn’t want anything touching me. Honestly, that’s actually how I’ve been feeling in general lately. I don’t want anything or anyone touching me, or in my space. I think I just need a couple of minutes to figure myself out. Work out these kinks in my head.

I slept really good last night. Yesterday was a crazy long day at work and while overall it was a decent day, I have to be honest and say that I am truly, truly thanking God for the promises He has given me. I am definitely not complaining because I enjoy my job and I have a lot of fun working with the kids. Those jokers are hilarious. But everything else about it, pretty much goes against who I am as a person, as an artist. Which when I take a second to think about it, is really deep. I have not been able to BE an artist and especially a writer because without my even realizing it, my life has become routine and lacking color. I feel my burnt orange slowly melting into brown waiting for the moment before it fades completely into gray. I am deathly afraid of that. I caught a glimpse of myself in the glass door that leads into my building yesterday and I had to pause because I didn’t even recognize myself. With my conservative hair style and the business casual outfit with the CARDIGAN?! and sensible dress shoes?! WHAT IS GOING ON?! The girl with the big hair and the bright colors and the big smile is the girl I’m starting to miss. I can’t remember the last time I smiled from my heart. I miss that girl. This person who drags in from work, who has to hold her tongue 90% of the time because if it is a choice between kissing someone’s butt or holding your tongue…silence is golden. I don’t know. I just don’t want to feel like I am losing myself and right now I definitely feel like I am.

So right now, I am trying to find a way to still myself and seek God. Stilling myself lately has become really hard because my mind has been too full to focus. I have not been talking to ANYONE about the things that are going on in my brain, and I feel like I am about to burst. But Praise God that He woke me up so early this morning and gave me the day off from my workout (thank you Jesus…no for real…thank you) so I can relieve some of the pressure and write it out.
Something just hit me. I think the real thing I am afraid of is not conformity to the job…but more so I am afraid of routine. I run from it. I’ll change jobs, I’ll move, across the country if I have to, I’ll do whatever it takes to make sure that my eyes are taking in new life and my creative juices continue to flow. Whatever it takes to make sure I keep myself from slipping into a monotonous routine.

I haven’t been working on my new novel, because my life has become so routine. I don’t want to talk about the same things in the same way or tell the same story. I want to stretch myself as a writer and think outside of my own box. Man, come to think of it, maybe being alone isn’t what I need. Maybe, I need someone to talk to about this. Sigh.

So yeah. That’s what’s been racing through my little head. Too much as usual. I feel like I am fighting for my happiness and my sanity. Some way to make it through until the promises come to pass. And they ARE coming. Praise God for that.

Peace,

Bee

August 29, 2009

Someday Nothing else will matter...



“I am filled by a profound sense of reverence and respect for a man who is, at that moment, reminding me of a very important lesson, that we each of us have our personal legend to fulfill, and that is all. It doesn’t matter if other people support us, or criticize us or ignore us or put up with us- we are doing it because that is our destiny on this Earth and the fount of all joy.

The pianist ends with another piece by Mozart and, for the first time, he notices our presence. He gives us a discreet, polite nod and we do the same. Then he returns to his paradise, and it is best to leave him there, untouched by the world or even by our timid applause. He is serving as an example to us. Whenever we feel that no one is paying any attention to what we are doing, let us think of that pianist: he was talking to God through his work and nothing else mattered.”
-Paulo Coehlo

I am trying to breathe. I feel caught, trapped even by my need to survive and my passion to live. I am trying so hard to balance. To manage my responsibilities at work, to set boundaries and not feel guilty when I take a day off, because I worked all weekend, or saying no to a Saturday volunteer event because I need some time to write, breathe, clean, think, create, I feel like everything is closing in on me.

Every time I read Paulo I get some sort of revelation. Reading this piece I realized that I am holding on by a thread. Keeping all of my emotions suppressed because I keep telling myself that I’ll be able to handle everything, get everything under control, but I can’t figure out a way to do it. I know that this moment will pass, it always does, but my prayer is that it will pass because I have found a way to make it work.

I know what my vision is, what my dream is, what my purpose is, and my goals are. I will never lose sight of it. I will always be an artist and that will always be the thing that gets me through the day. But right now in this moment I have to continue to keep my vision clear, and fight for my dream. I have the next two days off (thank you Jesus) and I am going to devote that time to resting and writing. I want to give my new novel all of the respect and attention it deserves. I don’t want to slap it together, or work on it so sporadically it feels like a new novel every time because I have fallen out of love with it.

I know God gave me this job. I know God gave me the gifts and talents He did. I know that my talents will make room for me. Knowing these things is my comfort and I will never take my eyes from the goal. This too shall pass…I will just get some much, MUCH needed rest and hopefully I will be able to get back to the place where I can talk to God through my work (my art) and nothing else will matter.

Peace Y’all
B

August 27, 2009

Growing Pains



Every so often I feel like I go through this time of extreme change and growth. Every time I get comfortable in my life, everything is flowing along fine, I don’t really need much, God will literally step in and shake my entire world up. Recently all of my crutches were snatched from underneath me. Its not until the crutch is gone that you truly realize that it is a crutch, but suddenly, all of the people I spent most of my time with were scattered, the relationships that I depended on were suddenly placed out of my reach and before I could stand there with my hands in the air, asking what the heck happened, I felt a soft tap on my shoulder and a voice whisper, ‘Hi B, remember me?’

There is always more I can do to improve on my relationship with God. I can never pray enough, read enough, study enough, there is no way I can learn everything there is to know about God, He will always find a way to surprise me. I love that about Him. Yet, there are times, when I forget that. When I get comfortable singing on the praise team, thinking that’s enough, or doing my morning devotional, but making sure I have enough time to check my email or facebook and throwing a quick moment in to pray instead of really getting on my face. I am slowly realizing that God wants all of me. ALL of me. All of my time, my thoughts, my hopes, my passion, everything. So when I am not in a place where I am giving Him everything, He will put me in a place where I have no choice but to focus in and actually listen to His instructions.


It’s interesting because during this time I find that I am at my most vulnerable. I find myself in desperate need of a hug, fighting tears, super sensitive because I am searching for something and I can often only shake that feeling by praying and honestly giving everything over to God. I find myself getting frustrated with “religion” and find myself blocking out all of the rules, all of the protocol, especially when I go to church and find myself simply searching for Jesus, desperate to get everything I can from him.


Growing up and maturing can hurt sometimes. Coming to face to face with things in your life that need to change, hurts, but ultimately it’s for our own good. With all of my people now scattered off and branching off into their new lives, I realize that now this time to grow and stretch is a blessing. There are so many ideas spinning around inside of me that I have not taken the time to pay attention to and cultivate. This time of solitude is for a purpose. I can’t write a book with 50 million things to do because I won’t be able to get into the zone and really spend time with the characters. My morning Bible studies for the last few weeks have been fantastic because my mind has been clear and I have perfect quiet and peace to really hear the instructions God is giving me.


I guess for the first time I can say that I’m not afraid of growing up. A lot of character flaws that God wants to mold out of me and finally, for once, I am quiet, in my secret place listening. I know that the relationships that bear fruit will continue to prosper and grow. I no longer mourn the relationships that had to end because now I have more room for more fruit. Yes, there will be some tears, and yes it will hurt sometimes, but I have to keep my eyes focused on the lessons and who I will become as I am tried in the fire.
Peace Y’all
B

June 01, 2009

Let it Be

            I live for days like this. Where everything is simply everything and my mind is quietly at peace. God has been teaching me a lot lately. A lot about myself, things I need to change, things I need to grow in, things I need to learn and improve on. God has also been teaching a lot about patience and planning. If we haven’t met, Hello My name is Brandelyn Nicole Castine and I am a habitual planner and perfectionist. I like things to be smooth, go the way I need them to go, when I need them to go and how I need them to go. I don’t like dealing with other people because they have a tendency to slow you down, hence my passion for one the most solitary art forms ever, writing. This way can be good, if I don’t let it overtake my life and relationships which is often does, but every day, I learn a little more and I grow a little more.

            Recently I have found myself more than little freaked out about what is going to transpire in the next few months. I haven’t heard anything from the grad school I applied to, my job and income ends in the next two weeks, (Praise God but yikes!) and I have found myself on this emotional rollercoaster because I can’t move forward until I know what is going on with grad school. The Land of Limbo is never a place I want to visit and here I am camping out exactly where I don’t want to be. Yet, instead of freaking out I have learned to take a different approach.

            I have been taking a break from book promotion.  Instead of freaking out because nothing is happening, I have learned to take joy in the fact that I am actually getting a chance to rest and quiet my mind enough to start book number four, which is now officially underway. Instead of worrying about what is going to happen next, I have learned to be grateful for the moment. I found myself truly thanking God today for allowing me to be able to handle all of the business I was able to handle today including paying my rent, in full on time. I have been in a place where paying my rent seemed like the biggest hurdle in the world and today I was able to do it with ease. That is truly a blessing. Instead of getting freaked out about not knowing whether or not I am supposed to be moving to New York month after next, I thank God that He has a plan and purpose for my life and as long as I stay obedient, humble and sensitive to what He is telling me to do, everything will fall into place.

            I guess the moral of the story is I am learning to get over myself, learning to stop tripping myself up and learning to let go and truly trust God. I don’t know what the future holds, but it’s not my job to know. God has not let me down one time since I’ve known Him and there is no way He will stop now. So right now, in this moment, I am learning to breathe, reboot, and let God drive while I take a nap in the passenger seat. (Again, if we haven’t met, I am completely narcoleptic when it comes to transportation, planes, trains, or automobiles, your girl is knocked out!) The bible says quite clearly that I have no need to fear, no need to worry about my life, what I will eat or drink or wear. God is my provider and tonight, I am (literally) going to rest in that and wait (patiently) in eager anticipation of what’s to come. For a perfectionist control freak stand point, I have to say that it is amazing to let someone else take the wheel while I just sit back and ride….

Peace Y’all

B

May 22, 2009

Happiness is...

I recently found an old book on my shelf. When I was three years old, my grandmother and I sat in her living room with me on her lap and she began teaching me how to read. Who knew that those quiet moments with Nana would guide me into my future career as a writer, artist and educator? The book , Happiness is a Sad Song by Charles Shultz quickly became my favorite as is evident by the well worn pages and it was not long before I was reading well above my age range.  Those feelings of nostalgia definitely kicked in as I carefully turned the pages and as I read, it reminded me of how important it is to appreciate the simple things in life. With all of the bad news and hard times and heartache we face daily, sometimes we have to take a second and think about what is beautiful and good in our lives. The things we glance over every day that truly make life special.  So, I present to you, Brandelyn’s rendition of Happiness is…all the things that are making me happy today! Also, I welcome any additions!!!

 

Happiness is a clean apartment

Happiness is a text message from your brother telling you he loves you

Happiness is rolling in the car with the windows down and the perfect song playing on the stereo

Happiness is a full Ipod battery

Happiness is finding that book you’ve been looking for on the clearance rack for 1.00.

Happiness is ice cream!

Happiness is a three day weekend and having a car to enjoy it

Happiness is free parking

Happiness is mail in my mailbox that is not a bill

Happiness is that quiet lull in the middle of the day

Happiness is a nap in the middle of the day

Happiness is completing your to-do list

Happiness is spending quality time with the Lord

Happiness is getting in touch with old friends

Happiness is going through old cards and pictures and feeling how much you are loved

Happiness is a returned phone call

Happiness is the sight of Hummingbirds

Happiness is 75 Degree weather

Happiness is having a pool to enjoy the weather in

Happiness is making major changes in your life

Happiness is BBQ's and catching up with people you usually only get to email!

Happiness is knowing that no matter what happens, everything is going to be okay

 

Peace Y’all!
B

 

April 08, 2009

5am thoughts

The time is 5 am. Why I am up at 5 am, sitting on my couch in complete darkness typing this blog is beyond me. It must be because I am on vacation and I know I can go back to sleep and not have to be up in two hours for work. I definitely am a gigantic fan of spring break. I woke up about 45 minutes ago and lay in my bed thinking about my interview. Last night I was at rehearsal for the praise and worship team and my pastor came in and we talked for a minute about the interview. He told me that I was going to do an excellent job and as soon as he said that I felt good. I have been low key stressing about this interview. It’s a really surreal feeling thinking about doing a television interview. Who am I that I am going to sitting down in front of a camera discussing this book on a major television network? This is crazy! I am really excited though. God is moving with this book and everything is happening so fast. Not so fast that I can’t enjoy it, but fast enough for me and my ADD self to stay focused. LOL!

I have been going through a lot of personal transitions in my life, some good, some bad, some hurtful, but every last one of them, designed to force me to grow in some way. I have a baby idea for another book. I want to incorporate all of the emotions and tears I felt in just the last few months and create a dialogue on how to be a human. It’s okay to feel what we feel, to think how we think, to want what we want. We don’t have to let people run over us, or discount how we feel. We don’t have to be afraid to shine because we don’t know how people will react, who cares? I have learned to surround myself with people who are just as productive and focused and accomplished as I am. The whole birds of a feather theory. People who are grinding just as hard as I am don’t have time to sit back and worry about what I’m doing. They celebrate, participate, and then get back to what they were doing. That’s what it’s about. But for a long time, I would swallow back how I felt about something and force myself to go with the flow. But now, as my milestone birthday approaches, I feel that light bulb flickering and I see now that I don’t have to hide how I feel. I can express it and do what I need to do. That is a beautiful thing. So, I’m still playing with the idea for now, developing characters and all that good stuff, but for now I am enjoying promoting U.G.L.Y. and I am very excited about this interview! Pray for me!!

 

Peace Y’all,

B

March 03, 2009

Two year Itch

 

I recently discovered something about myself. I have no idea what prompted this discovery, but I realized that every two years, like clockwork, I make some kind of major change in my life. Let’s think about it for a second. I went to my community college for two years, worked for two years after that, was a student at Cal for two years, lived in New York for a year (which in my mind counts as two because I feel like I aged at least two years living out there LOL!) lived in my apartment in Berkeley for two years, worked at Stiles for two years, lived in my current apartment for two years, and have been working at my current job for yes, you guessed it, two years. Even the master’s program I am applying to is a two year program out of state which would mean that when it’s done, I will most likely be moving back to California to start over.

 

I don’t know what it is, but every two years, I just get this itch, this desire to make some sort of major change in my life. And for some reason, it can’t be a small change, like a new hairstyle or some new clothes, no. I have to be the one to pack it all up and move across the country, or dramatically quit my job without having another one (something I will never do again, lesson learned!) because working in that environment for another week, month year is out of the question.  

 

The really funny thing is that each transition finds me scared out of my mind, although I would never admit that to anyone by Jesus and my journal. But the truth of the matter is, I am always looking for something more. Not necessarily in the ‘grass is always greener’ way, but more so in the, I want to be all I can be kind of way. The word settle has never been in my vocabulary. I don’t want to settle for the mediocre or the mundane, I am striving for greatness and it always seems to be just around the bend.

 

On a good note, I am learning to appreciate the moment more, but there is something about that two year mark that always gets me going. Makes me feel like it’s time to stretch my wings out and conquer new land. The next few months are going to be interesting and I am very excited to see what God is going to do. But don’t be surprised if I make some big announcements or show up with a husband one day! LOL!! That is just how I get down, I live for the moment, always ready to try something new, do something major.

 

Perhaps one day I will settle down, buy a house, have some kids, all of that good stuff, but right now I am in love with my freedom and the fact that at any point, when I am ready, I can pack up my bags, move anywhere in the world I please and discover what that place has for me. Of course, this will only be for two years. Because after that, it is time to move on and see what else is in store!
Peace Y’all!
B

February 23, 2009

Big Baby Moment...and?

As strong and as independent as I am, sometimes, you just need someone to come take care of you. I realize that I do a lot. I do a lot of wheeling and dealing, balancing both of my jobs, my career, church responsibilities, friends, family, life, all without a car mind you and then there are times like this when I all I can do is sit on my couch, concentrate on my breathing and wish that someone would come over, make me tea, rub my head and tell me that it will be okay.

I had to go to the Emergency room on Thursday because I had a high fever, my body hurt and I could not breathe to save me. The ER experience was much better than any I’ve ever had (Shout out to Alta Bates) but once I got home, I was on my own again. You should have seen me trying to fix myself some food, holding on to the counter for dear life because everything was spinning, waking up in the middle of the night wheezing and coughing because I couldn’t get enough air, watching my apartment turn into a bigger pile of rubble because I don’t have the energy to clean. Times like this I really miss my Mommie. Sometimes, you just need someone to take care of you. To call and check on you and say you know, B, I can hear that you are struggling, do you need anything? I would probably say no, but just being asked is really nice.

I am grateful for my girls Pia and Crystal. Without them this experience would have been a million times worse. I love you ladies. Alright, I’m going back to sleep now.

Peace

B

February 18, 2009

Comfort zone: Fail

One thing a lot of people don’t know about is that I have a tendency to be very shy. I know it seems crazy, especially if you know my personality at all, but when it comes to certain things like networking, or business, I get shy. Writing is a very solitary profession. It is just me, my thoughts and my laptop for hours on end working until my eyes start to blur and my wrists start to burn slightly from rubbing against the keyboard. This is my world and I love it. However, when the time comes for me to take off my artist hat and put on my business woman hat, it takes some time to get used to the new feeling.

The last few weeks have found me doing everything except standing comfortably inside of my comfort zone. U.G.L.Y. is my third book, but in so many ways it feels like my first. This is the first book I have truly worked to promote my work and the process has been scary, amazing, fun and of course a learning experience. It began with my reading at Mills College. When I wrote the first line of U.G.L.Y., I wrote it with the intention to shock, disturb and instantly transport you into the pain, shock and discomfort that Blair was feeling. My intentions have been successful, but I never thought about having to say that line out loud at readings and signings.

As I prepared for the Mills College event, I searched high and low through the book for a piece to read that could have the impact I wanted, but it didn’t happen. I knew that I was going to have to read the prologue and most importantly, the first line. I know it’s not that big a deal, but that is not something I would feel comfortable saying in front of my pastor, so what can I do? With much coaxing from my friends and pushing from myself, I got up in front of the crowd at Mills and read it. It was really crazy because the moment I said it, I felt this wave of emotion come over me. I felt like I was transported into the world of the character and I could feel the emotion she felt as that was said to her. The reading went extremely well and I was extremely proud of myself for getting through it!

The night before last I had the honor of meeting Ms. Susan L. Taylor, Editor in Chief Emeritus for Essence Magazine. I have been following her work for years and her In the Spirit Column is the reason why I subscribed to the magazine! Her thoughts have always caused me to take a minute, calm down and reevaluate whatever was causing me to lose sleep at night. Meeting her was such a treat because she is so down to earth and sweet. I loved everything she had to say, but when it came to getting my face to face time with her, I almost froze. I knew that this was my chance, my one opportunity to give her a copy of my novel and once again overcome my fears. I was shaking like an absolute leaf and hindsight I realize that it was because a part of me still does not feel worthy, or good enough to share my work with people, but I knew I had to do it. Insecurity lives in all of us, but so does a will to look past that and fight for what you want. So, I faced Susan L. Taylor, got her to sign my book, gave her a copy of my book and walked away feel triumphant. Another comfort zone hurdle shut down!

Yesterday was the Mayor Dellums Summit on Women and the ultimate hurdle came when I had to not only network, but also tell people over and over about my book. You would be amazed at how difficult it is to summarize your 388 page book into two sentences! Thankfully my friend Rhonda was there with me and came up with the PERFECT mini synopsis of the book. LOL! I met a lot of really amazing people and shook every hand, gathered every business card and handed out every book I could because this shyness is not going to defeat me!!

I am learning and growing with each event. I am learning to allow the God in me to shine and conquer my fears. This of course is not to say that it will be easy by any stretch. But my prayer is that with all of this growth, the next time I am face to face with Alice Walker, I will not shy away, but look her in the face, smile and introduce myself. But again, life is about taking things one step at a time.

January 01, 2009

My apologies

My apologies

 

Dear Body,

            I did not realize until last night, that I owed you an apology. I have never truly appreciated you, for what you are. I have spent most of my life trying to force you to be something you aren’t. Trying to squeeze you into clothes that weren’t designed for you, just because they were a smaller size and supposedly that would make me feel better. I apologize, for never letting you breathe, even in my own home, because I was ashamed to walk past a mirror and see the mountains of imperfections. I apologize for watching the television shows and reading the magazines and immediately deepening my resentment toward you because you did not look like that. I apologize for not treating you like a temple, for not recognizing the beauty in God’s design, for beating you up and mistreating you for simply being what you are. I apologize for simply not loving you and for wishing you were something else entirely. The truth is, I do love you and I am grateful to you for holding up through all of the bad diets, binges, short term work outs, long time mistreatment and constant scrutiny. The dawn is approaching and I can see clearly that times have changed. Now it is your turn to be loved and appreciated and respected, just as you are. Now it is your time to feel loved. Now it is your time to be loved.

 

Dear Mind,

            I owe you an apology as well. For all of the tricks and games I’ve played on you, making you think that you were not as amazing as you are. I have to apologize for doubting your intelligence and never fully acknowledging your creativity. I apologize for never being satisfied with all that you have accomplished and never pausing long enough to listen to your ideas. I apologize for allowing negativity and jealously from others to come in and cloud your thoughts, for allowing you to feel as though you weren’t good enough and that you never would be. I apologize for basking in the talents and gifts of other people all the while thinking you were inadequate, and could never get to that level. I apologize for feeling that you were mediocre, just enough to do the basics, but far from prolific. I see now the horizon of your capabilities. I will give you your space to run free, taste the wind, stretch and grow and travel to every destination you can think of. I will step out of the way and allow you to work. I will believe in you and trust you and be comfortable with what you produce. I will not compare you to anyone else, nor will I allow you to feel less than amazing. Now it is your time to feel appreciated. Now it is your time to be appreciated.

 

Dear Future,

            I apologize for doubting you. For dancing on both sides of the fence of faith and portraying a woman who truly believes when the reality is, there was more doubt than belief. I apologize for that twinge of guilt I felt every time someone in my life progressed just a little bit further while I stood behind and watched. I apologize for being more involved with that progress in others instead of learning the lessons that were being taught in the place where I was standing. I realize now that I have been trying too hard to bring you into the present when you are not ready yet. Actually, when I am not ready yet. I apologize for limiting you. For giving you boundaries and placing a lid on the box I placed you in, you deserve better than that. So now, I release you from my grasp and place you right back where you belong, in God’s hands. Your possibilities are infinite and you have my solemn vow to let you be. I will work and prepare myself, learn the lessons, enjoy the moments, bask in the day to day because I know you are coming, and the glimpses of you that I have seen whispered that change is coming and I need to trust and believe.

 

So Body, Mind and Future, please accept my apology. Suddenly I am grateful that I have no idea what the days will bring. Each moment is my opportunity and I am learning how to take advantage of those. I can’t waste this time complaining, whining, worrying, allowing negative people to affect my light, no, this is a brand new day. My eyes are opening to the possibilities and the Phoenix is rising. Thank you for allowing me to learn these lessons and yes, you have my solemn vow that things will get better.

 

Sincerely,  

 

Brandelyn N. Castine

December 15, 2008

Crab Shells

I have never been one to follow or really believe in astrological signs, but for what it’s worth, I am a cancer. Whenever I sense danger or hurt, I crawl into my shell, hide there and clip my claws a few times so people know not to mess with me. The problem with me is that I get comfortable in that shell.

In my shell, I can cry uncontrollably without having to explain why. I can sleep through the day without doing anything else at all without having to explain, I can listen to the same song until I rub a new hole into the CD without having to explain. In my shell I can be everything and anything I need to be without having to find an explanation, without having to justify, without having to try to figure out a way to make it stop.

My shell for me equals freedom. I can be as quiet or as loud as I need to be. I can forget to shower, comb my hair, brush my teeth, do anything except lay right there in my bed and be. My shell only has room for one and there is no phone or internet in there leaving me completely alone with my thoughts and no matter how many of them there are, each and every thought gets acknowledged, examined, occasionally addressed.

My shell is where I can feel God the most. In the quiet solitude of this space I can feel the presence of God and it’s there that I can get the answers to those questions that have been burning in my mind.

            I used to apologize for my shell, but I see now that it is my shell that keeps the smile that naturally forms in public on my face. My shell is my escape, my sanity, my prayer closet, my dance studio, my recording studio, my library, my office space, my journal, anywhere my mind can be free. It took some time, but I have learned to appreciate my shell. I have to remember though, that sometimes, it’s okay and necessary to come out of it.

November 09, 2008

I know its been a long time, but I have an announcement!

Just Published...
U.G.L.Y.
Brandelyn N. Castine
Meet Blair Hughes, a beautiful, intelligent, and talented young woman who believes her identity is defined by her size 22 waistline. With constant scrutiny about her weight and a pattern of failed diets, Blair has given up trying to be the perfect size six and has allowed herself to fade into the background.
Blair's unforeseen romance with Salim Martin, a talented young writer begins to chip away at her insecurity and forces her to look at herself differently. As Salim works overtime to show her how beautiful she truly is, his best efforts are not strong enough to keep Blair from waiting for the other shoe to drop.
When an unexpected betrayal rocks her world, Blair flees from her friends and family to get a fresh start in the unpredictable streets of New York City . However this new life gives Blair a lot more to deal with than she bargained for.
Suddenly forced to recreate her personal definition, Blair travels through a series of right and wrong turns, chance encounters and unimaginable situations that ultimately lead her to a place where she is able to look past the physical and discover what it truly means to be U.G.L.Y.
 
 

April 22, 2008

Just where I am

4.18.08

I feel the need to write today, but I’m not sure about what. I’ve had emotions swirling around me but I don’t know which one to grab and pay attention to so I let them swirl. My moment is so near it gives me chills like a finger that doesn’t quite touch the skin and I can taste it on the tip of my tongue, soft and sweet like the perfect Hershey’s almond kiss, I’m ready. Television seems to overwhelm me so I’ve turned it off and learned to embrace the comfort of the silence, I like it there. Goals being met, eyes blurred from scanning pages of books grown dusty from lying in wait, just like me. Unaware of when my dreams will be taken off of the shelf but I’m ready. For the one who will tell me that “My greatest fear is that you gave up on me and settled for something less because we both know we were meant to be together. It's my fault if I let you down. I guess I let the world get in the way,” or “you don’t have to be strong by yourself, let me be strong for you.” Spilling out honesty like coconut oil on freshly showered skin, I’m waiting.

Searching through my recent files just to kill the time I see nothing but contracts and business files I wonder when I lost me. The pages of my journal are etched with all of the tears and shouts and laughs and wishes I’m too ashamed to admit to anyone other myself yet I cannot bring myself to read through those pages because there is too much honesty there and sometimes it hurts to see where you came from. I’m getting tired of doing everything on my own. Of pouring out the contents of my day and questions that lay heavy on my brain to the wide open pages of the last time I cried and I wish I could give just a tiny piece of this strength away so I acknowledge that a part of me is weak, and that’s alright. And I don’t want to be afraid to feel this way, because right now in this moment this is me.

February 20, 2008

Encouragement

I started my new job this week and so far I really like it. Anytime I get a quiet space, snacks, tea and access to the internet, I am all for it. Last night I had a lot of trouble sleeping. I have been stressing out about my life in general. Last Sunday Pastor Chris gave the analogy of our dreams being like a cake baking. I have all of the ingredients, mixed up ready to go, but lately I have been feeling like something is wrong with my oven because I don’t see the cake rising or browning or anything. So I have been a little frustrated with everything. Anyway, this morning, I woke up and there was an email from Tyler Perry that he sends out to his mailing list. I know I wouldn’t do it justice if I paraphrased, so I am going to paste what he wrote. It really, really encouraged me… so here it goes:

“When we won the Image Award for HOUSE OF PAYNE, I said something that I didn't know I had said until I watched the show played back that night. I said that if 1000 people tell you no and you get one yes from God then that's all you need to make it.
That thing woke up something in me. I realized at that moment that I had had a lot of NO's in my life. I had a lot of people say, "You can't!" and "You never will!"  I had a lot of doubters and hardly anybody ever said that I could. And through the hardest times in my life I had to learn how to encourage myself. And I want to tell you that if nobody else will encourage you then encourage yourself.
If you have a dream, keep working towards it. It's great to have people give you awards and appreciate what you do, but back in the day, it wasn't that way at all.  I remember when I was broke and working a dead end job clearing about 300 dollars a week. This wasn't long ago at all, as a matter of fact.
What I would do though was on my lunch break I would spend the time writing down play ideas, writing down movie ideas, planning a tour for my play, looking at maps of the country, calling theaters. I knew that I had ideas that would move people--that would help them in one way or another, so I just kept going. I didn't have a dime to my name. I didn't know how
I was going to get there, but I knew that I would in some way. And then God made a way.

In order to get to your dreams you have to see yourself there. You have to see yourself doing better. Use your mind to see yourself doing better. The Bible says, "As a man thinketh, so is he." Stir up the gift in you. People are waiting for your dream to come to pass. Don't give up. I often think about all the times I wanted to give up. I thought about how hard it was and how much I was going through. I look at my life now and I say to myself, "Boy I'm glad you kept going!" What if I would have stopped, can you imagine? No plays, no movies, no Madea, not even this email. Again, God has given us all gifts and if you give up on your dreams then the world will never know. We're waiting for you!”

Needless to say this was exactly what I needed to hear. I just have to keep moving forward. I know the dream, I know the promises so now I keep going. I will keep writing books and blogs and poems and whatever else I need because if nothing else this is my therapy as well. So there you have it. I hope this encourages someone else!

Peace Y’all

B

January 24, 2008

Me Time

            For the last five days I have been on a break from the writing project I’ve been working on. So for the last five days I have been chillen and it’s been wonderful. This morning I woke up and felt like something was missing. I realized that even though I have been working on this project I have not really been writing, at least not my own stuff. Now that my third book is complete, I have an idea for the next one, but I haven’t REALLY started working on that. I haven’t been blogging, or journaling, or even reading good books and it hit me this morning that this is why I have been so on edge. Writing for me is my therapy, my escape. No matter what is going on, I know that I can sit down for hours at a time and slip into someone else’s world. I need that because sometimes my world is way too much to deal with. So today I am going to head over to the Bucks as my friend Peirce calls it and sit there until I start to feel better. I brought my laptop and my composition notebook with my ideas and I am going to get it cracking. I feel the tension leaving my shoulders just sitting here writing this blog so I know I need to take some me time and write. I think it is also time for a nice vacation. Nothing big, but somewhere where my cell phone has no reception and I have enough time and space to sort out my thoughts. That sounds lovely. Anyway, I just want to encourage you that if you are feeling a bit on edge, stressed out and need a break, find that thing that makes you happy and just take some time to do it. Whatever it is, take time to get away, free your mind and fly away. (Shout out to Ledisi). Only four more hours and then I’m off to the Bucks… I can’t wait!

Peace Y’all…

B

January 15, 2008

Just Breathe!

 


            One of my goals for this year is to work on my general attitude. I notice that I whine and complain a lot and I need to stop that. The bible says Let everything that has breath praise the Lord so I have been working very hard to be a praiser instead of a complainer. Since I have been checking myself, I have become keenly aware of how much complaining actually goes on around me. It’s kind of like when you are fasting, all of a sudden food is everywhere! LOL! So now that I am trying very hard not to do things the old way, I have become keenly aware of the attitudes around me. This morning there was a woman on the bus who sat in the very front seat, complaining and griping about everything. It was really a downer listening to her and I wondered if I had ever had that same type of affect on people. There is a woman at my job who never has anything kind to say about anyone and I notice that when I leave from talking to her I feel a little grumpy.

 

            I think that as human beings we have a responsibility to each other to at least care about each other. It is very easy to transfer negative energy back and forth by complaining, gossiping, being mean and overall unkind when we are around each other. It is one thing to talk about problems with the hopes of finding a solution, but when you just complain for the sake of hearing your own voice, that is a downer. This morning as I was doing my daily devotional it said to go outside, no matter what the weather was looking like and look for five things God created to be beautiful for us. I really like this idea because instead of focusing on whatever negative thoughts may be going through your head, it forces to focus on the positive and in turn praise God for the wonderful things He has done. Just the thought of that makes me feel better and makes me want to do something to feel good every morning. The key to happiness is really about our attitudes. If we constantly focus on the negative, we will become suffocated by it and then what? The fact that we even woke up this morning is something to get excited about. If your life is in shambles, you have another day to get it together. I am going to make an effort to change my attitude because life really is too short to walk around underneath a black cloud.

            So my declaration is that I am reclaiming my joy. There are a lot of truly negative people around me, but maybe I am supposed to be that ray of sunshine for them. Who knows? All I know is that I am going to do my best to focus on the good and remain positive. I have a lot of good friends, a crazy family, my church family and people who are doing positive things in the world. I have a lot to be thankful for instead of focusing in on what I don’t have. No mas! So I want to encourage anyone reading this to reclaim your joy. Take a minute while you are out somewhere and look for something positive to think about. Worrying, negativity and all things bitter causes wrinkles as my mom always says, so why let ugliness affect you. Dust off the haters and the negative and keep moving forward! Just breathe, thank God and reclaim your joy!

Peace Y’all

B

January 01, 2008

I realize

I realize… A reflection on 2007…

 

            I had no idea it had been so long since I posted a blog. I have been knee deep in the fairly new job working with the kids, waist deep in the new writing project and neck deep in my activities with the church that over a month has passed by…my bad.  Now that it is 2008, I have a moment to sit down and think about the woman I was shaped and molded into this past year.  Hindsight is always 20/20 and here are a few things that I realize.

 

I realize that I am not actually a very helpful person, instead I am a punctual person. One of my pet peeves in life is being late. If something is supposed to start at a certain time, or if I am supposed to be somewhere at a certain time, I like for things to go as planned. So when friends have functions that are supposed to start at 2 and I arrive at 2, I expect for things to be up and ready to go, or at least close. 9 times out of 10 that is not the case and me, being my usual punctual self usually finds myself in prime position to help get the show on the road. That is not to say I wouldn’t help anyway, but I will never actually know because functions never start on time…I’m just saying…

 

I realize that I am finally committed, dedicated and becoming successful at getting my life together. I have thus far lost 20 pounds and two dress sizes… I have managed to stay out of overdraft in both of my accounts for over 6 months now, I am focused and reaching toward my career goals… my house is generally clean…things are looking good.  Nana always says that the way things are in the beginning of the year is the way it will remain for the rest of the year…so far I think 2008 is going to be a good year…

 

I realize that my decision to be single in 07 was the best choice I could have made…I have finally flushed out all of my issues and feel confident that I can move forward with my life without all of the baggage. I feel lighter and I finally understand what it means to be a complete whole person. I understand now that whoever I wind up with will not complete me, but enhance everything that I already have going on. That is such a wonderful feeling!

 

I realize that I waste a lot of time. I am not making resolutions for 2008, but there are some things that I really want to start doing. For instance, I want to start cooking again. Have some dinner parties with the whole course thing happening and start experimenting. I want to pick up where I left off with my guitar lessons and I want to travel more this year. 2007 was a tough emotional year so in 08 I really want to laugh more and I mean that hard, make your stomach hurt laughter. In essence, I want to truly enjoy my life and live each day with my eyes open.

 

I realize that the power of friendship is something that no one can touch. I know that no matter what I have that friend in my life that will never judge (except when necessary, which is often if you know me at all! LOL), will always be there (except when she constantly screens me when I call!) and who will always understand me. Friends like her are a very rare and special thing and I am so truly truly blessed to have her in my life. Rose, 2008 is going down!

 

2007 taught me a million and one things, but I think the most important lesson I learned was that it is absolutely okay and even beneficial for me to be exactly who I am. There can be no more hiding behind my weight and my insecurities. My Rose came up with the phrase “Don’t Hate in 08” because 2007 has forced me to take a long hard look at myself and finally soak in some real true confidence… so I hope you are ready for this new year! The number 8 represents new beginnings, so I pray good health, prosperity, love, peace and loads of foolery for all of you in the new year!

 

 

The Legacy Truly Begins….

 

Peace Y’all

 Brandelyn

November 12, 2007

these are my confessions

A few random thoughts for you…

                I think that I should start this blog with a confession. Now this is very hard for me to admit, but I feel like my faithful blog readers and I are family so I can be real with you guys.  If you have ever had a series of conversations with me, the term “you don’t know me, I’m from the streets” has probably come out of my mouth a time or two. I talk a lot of smack, that’s just what I do. I’ve never actually had to back any of it up and I figured that the look on my face and the tone of my voice should be enough confirmation to whomever I am attempting to punk, and so far, it has been successful. However, a couple of weeks ago the fam and I went to see American Gangster and by the time the movie ended my stomach hurt from all of the flinching I did every time a gun was shot. All of the violence and drugs and sex gave me a headache, so I am going to confess once and for all, that I am actually Not at all from the streets nor do I have any innate desire to claim said streets from this point on.  In fact, I grew up in the suburbs. I had a schedule of homework, chores and play time. I used to roller skate down the street wearing my Aunt’s Laker Girl uniform (when she wasn’t home of course!) pretending that I was figure skating legend Debbie Thomas. I snuck cookies from the kitchen and sold kool-aid in plastic bags to my friends at school. I had an actual childhood and the closest things I came to being from the streets was the drive by shooting that occurred my freshman year of high school. Other than that, I was living the life that was quite opposite street life. I will actually take my childhood over all that anytime. So let me say it again, I am not, nor have I ever been ‘from the streets’.  Whew…Glad I got that off of my chest…

 

                I also must discuss Cal football for a second and thus confess that my Go bearness may have reached irrational hieghts. This weekend was the game against u$c and I got tickets at the last minute so I was amped. And then the rain started. However, being a true blue Cal fan, I was not letting a little water come between me and my Golden Bears. However. After almost getting into two fights, one over an umbrella and another with a drunk white girl, standing in the rain for 4 and half hours without being able to use an umbrella, getting punked by u$c’s band, and of course losing the game, I came to the decision that I am going to have to start supporting my Golden Bears from the comfort of my own home. The good news is that I did not get sick, but my sweat shirt is still hanging up in the bathroom and has yet to dry. It was really funny because after a while, I didn’t even realize it was raining anymore. It didn’t even matter. If we had won the game it might have even been fun. It could have been one of those memories that you can talk about with friends a few years from now and laugh. But alas, we did not win, we got punked and my hatred for all things u$c has been elevated by the fact that their band only knows how to play one song. Oakland almost made it into the stadium, but we held back. Besides, we were too wet to get over there and say anything. Just a whole hot mess. Maybe next year I won’t have to use the nerd card as to why Cal is superior to all other schools. Maybe next year. Go Bears anyway.

                Not much else exciting is going on in my life. I’m going home for Thanksgiving on Saturday and I am really excited about that. It is always good just to spend time with the family and chill out. And as an added bonus, I get to spend time with all of my friends that I never get to see because I’m always asleep for the two or three days I’m out there, so it works out great! Anyway, I’ll be in touch soon. I’m working on getting my consistency back with the blogs but as my 04 so eloquently said it, don’t force it, so I’m not. Be blessed and I’ll holla!

Peace Y’all

B

October 30, 2007

Kids pretending to be adults

I had the realization the other day that kids always come with a whole bunch of stuff. Have you ever seen a pack of kids roll into a place and all of a sudden there are piles of crayons and toys and books and crackers and stuffed animals and random bits of paper all over the place? You see this mountain of life materialize seemingly out of nowhere and wonder how in the world they managed to have all that stuff! I sat in the coffee shop working on an article I was supposed to turn in a long time ago (I’m working on it Shaleia! LOL!) and I found myself fascinated by these two little kids and their huge mountain of stuff.
I look at my life and I fully and wholly acknowledge that I have never quite mastered the art of traveling lightly. I’m making progress, no doubt, but I still have a lot to learn. Instead of the giant suitcase and two carryon bags for a weeklong trip to mom’s house, I have learned to take one small carry on item carrying all of the pajamas I could possible need for my weeklong nap in mom’s bed.  Instead of the huge purse and canvas bag I learned to carry around in New York, I am down to one canvas bag or purse, depending on the occasion. So I guess the problem is not the amount of bags I carry, it’s more the all of the stuff I carry in my one bag. On any given day I have journals and organizers, laptops, composition notebooks, ipods, cell phones, pens, lips stuff, wallets, I could keep going, but you get it. Whenever I go to the coffee shop I always have to give myself at least five minutes to pack everything up before I can leave. Then I double check the floor and the seat just to make sure one of my little things didn’t fall out and then I’m out. For the most part, I actually wind up using everything I travel with which says a whole lot about my ADD, but as I watch the kids as the table next to me, I can’t help but notice the similarities in our lives.
The theory is that kids need to bring all of this stuff with them to enhance their learning. They carry all of the crayons and crackers to help stimulate their lives, so what is my excuse? I feel like I am past the mental development phase, or am I? Technically I am constantly learning and getting to know myself and I often carry my journal or composition notebook because thoughts come at me faster than a pack of flies and I want to write them down before I forget. But I honestly sit here and wonder if we ever truly grow up. Just like kids I have a tendency to hold onto things until they fall apart or are completely useless because sometimes it just feels better to have it. Of course kids hold onto sweaters and favorite dresses, where I hold on to relationships, mistakes, and ideas. But hanging on to something that needs to let go is still hanging on.
 My idea of a grown up is someone who somehow magically manages to keep their apartment clean, is always appropriately dressed for unexpected company or various outings, always has groceries in their house and is essentially very well balanced. A grown up always has money in their account and is always able to take care of those little things that come up right away. That is not my life. In fact, I have never actually met anyone who fits this description. I know that this concept exists because I’m sure if Bill Gates gets a flat tire he can handle it that day, but in my world…everything is a work in progress.
I guess what it all boils down to is that we are all kids, training to be adults. I don’t really know when I will achieve that mark, and if I get there I’ll let you know how it is, but for now, I’ll continue being a kid at heart and pretend to be a grown up when I need to. But for now, the grown up in me want to snatch one of these little kids up and teach them how to clean up after themselves! My momma didn’t play that!
Peace y’all
B

October 25, 2007

New Beginings

Times have officially changed. I am sitting here, typing this blog on my brand new laptop. Last week I received an email from this woman who asked me to read her manuscript. I opened her email and in pure only my luck fashion, the email had a virus that basically sent Dino into overload and Dino died. God is good because I had some money I was saving up and I was able to find a new computer on sale at Best Buy. God is so good. So I am moving on up in the world and I have a computer that lets me move it around, I don’t have to shake to get it started, allows me to watch videos and basically get my life together. I am so beyond happy, I just can’t even tell you. I am extra motivated now and once I figure out how to use this whole windows Vista situation, I’ll be good to go. Seriously, it took me 45 minutes to figure out how to save a document on this thing. LOL. But I will be more consistent with the blogs as there is plenty of foolery that I have not been able to document, but now that I have computer access, I’m all good! My life is definitely back on track. I’m so excited. I haven’t forgotten about my promise for a big announcement and its coming. Soon and very soon.

 

Holla!

 

October 10, 2007

Greetings

It’s been a minute. I have no excuses other than I’ve been lazy. Or maybe lazy is a strong word, I’ve been expanding my relaxational awareness. Yes, I like that so much better. I’ve been taking some time to learn about the power of no. I’ve been over extending myself and I’m learning how to cut back. So I’ve been spending tons of time in coffee shops and the streets of Oakland and at the new job of course, just soaking in life. It’s been great because I have been writing a lot. And I mean a lot and that feels the most amazing. For a while I felt like I had lost control of my pen, but I got it back now. All I needed was a little break. So let’ see, what’s been going on…

So I have an idea for a new book that I have been spending some time working on and researching. In that research I happened upon a book called "The Rules". Supposedly if you follow these 36, yes 36 rules, by the end of your journey you will have snagged the man of your dreams. Or at the very least you will be married. I was only able to get to rule number 8 before I decided to let it burn. This book is psychotic, and not in a good way. Its all about manipulation and misrepresentation for the sole purpose of bagging a husband. The introduction actually tells women that you have to do whatever it takes to get yourself a man. Whatever it takes. So if you have a bad nose, get a nose job…I could go on, but I really don’t think that that is necessary.

It is so scary to me that in this day and age, books like this are written and purchased by the millions and smart, successful, intelligent women are told to down play everything they have accomplished just so they can get a man. I have conversations with people and ask them what their goals or dreams are, and instantly they start talking about men they are dating, or what kind of wedding they want to have and that to me is a little scary. Where did the thinking go that it was important to be a complete person before you jumped into a marriage? Why don’t people think past the actual wedding and all of fun stuff and realize that you are going to be looking at this man for the rest of your life? If you don’t take the time out to figure out who you are, then how on earth are you going to decipher what qualities you desire in a mate? I don’t know what’s going on in the world today but one good thing that came from this for me was it affirmed that my Single in 07 campaign was definitely a good look.

On the other hand, I have fallen in love with another writer named Paulo Coehlo and he is amazing. He is the author of the Alchemist, which is his most famous book, but he’s written I think 8 or 9 books, if not more. I am on a mission to read them all. His writing is amazing and I am determined to meet him one day. Eleven Minutes changed my life.

Speaking of life changing, Jill Scott’s new CD….

*Drops the mic.

Other than that, Cal football is ranked 2 in the nation. I almost had to turn in my Golden Bear car because of how hard I was rooting for stanfurd to beat U$C. That was an amazing game. Freaking amazing. How dope does Cal Football have to be to have a bye week and still move up in the polls. And again I say Go Bears.

 

September 18, 2007

Just checking in

            Something about this moment feels right. I am sitting at work, more on that in a moment, typing out my blog, taking a break from what I should be doing to share my thoughts. After all the turmoil and drama this summer, suddenly, all seems right in the world.

            I had a realization a few weeks ago. I went into my hall closet to get some of my Carol’s daughter shampoo and realized that I was out of it. Upon further inspection, I realized that I was out of a lot of my Carol’s Daughter top products. As I surveyed the empty bottles and fading scents I realized that the time had come for me to go back to work. Being a full time writer while quite rewarding and spiritually satisfying is as financially inconsistent as most artistic careers, so I had to get a job. Forget that my rent was late and I haven’t had a real meal in weeks, I was out of Carol’s Daughter! A change needed to come. So I got a job working for Oakland Unified school district doing Conflict mediation at a middle school. To say that this job is a gift from God is an understatement. It is part time so it allows me to continue with my various writing projects, but it pays me twice as much as I made at my old job, so now I spend half the time working and get paid twice as much to do it. So all is right in the world. God is good. Plus, I get to spend my days working with the kids which is a lot of fun and interesting to say the least. Again, I am so thankful for my childhood and my ability to actually have a child hood. A lot of these kids are so dag nab grown, it’s just crazy. Anyway. I have a job now, God is good, I am feeling much, much better about life and things are finally coming together.

            On the writing tip, please believe I have been working my butt off and I will be making some big announcements soon. Also, in case you were wondering as I know all of you are so anxiously following, Cal football is number 6 in the nation. Go Bears!\

Peace Y’all

B

August 23, 2007

Depression

 

            This one is a hard one to write but I feel like it might help someone, so here we go.

            I came to a realization the other day. I am the queen of being “fine”. Whenever someone asks me how I’m doing, no matter what I am feeling or what is going on in my life, they will always get the computer generated response, ‘Oh I’m good, how are you doing?” Every single time. The crazy thing is that for the last two weeks, I have been everything but fine. I’ve been going through a lot lately, more than my fair share of major problems and I have been holding on by a thread. Of Course, whenever I’m around other people I turn into “Super Brandelyn” and the smile is pasted onto my face and the jokes are ready to and available and the hugs are warm and the compassion is packed up and ready to hand out to whoever is in need. But recently, I haven’t had the energy, which is why I have been keeping to myself. Spending too much time alone, often rejecting the notion of being around people because I didn’t have the energy to put up the front. So I turned off my phone, closed the blinds and drifted away.

I allowed my circumstances to dictate my happiness and that is the very definition of the opposite of faith. I was heavily dosed with depression and that is a very dangerous emotion. Depression is not something that you just live with, lay in your bed eating cookies and hope goes away, no Depression talks to you. Last week was one of the roughest weeks I’ve ever been through, mainly because my Depression made everything seem a million times worse than it was. It always amazes me how many things can run through your head when you are left to your own devices. My Depression told me that my life was in shambles, which it actually kind of was, and that it was never going to get better. My Depression told me that no one cared about me and that my life was of no consequence to anyone. My Depression told me that all the things I thought God was going to bring my way weren’t going to happen, because if they were, they would have happened by now. Yes, my whole mind was a mess. My Depression told me that I had nothing left to offer and started giving me suggestions on how to end my life. What was the point, it said, no one cares, you wouldn’t even be missed. And the more I sat by myself, basking in this, the more I believed it. I could just end it and that would be it, no more worries, no more rejection, no more doubts, no more questions, no more concerns. The end.

Instead of reaching out to someone for help, I just cried myself to sleep. My relationship with God, even though I was at a point where I was even questioning his existence if we can be real for a moment, never let me actually get out of bed and take the pills. My foundation in God told me to just make it until the morning and you’ll be okay. My foundation told me to just pray, but I was too weak to do even that, so I just cried. I would talk to my grandmother and tell her I was okay and if anyone did mange to catch me on the phone, I smiled and said I was fine, I felt like I was physically incapable of telling anyone that I needed help. I needed a hug. I needed someone to tell me that everything was going to be okay. But because I am who I am, I kept my mouth shut, did my best to try and solve my problems on my own and continued on to the best of my abilities. It was scary, but for some reason, I was comfortable in it. I felt like I didn’t have to be anything but what I was. I didn’t have to smile or laugh or entertain, I could just be. So I isolated myself and bathed in it.

But I truly thank God for my Grandmother. That day I was at my lowest and had set up in my mind that this day was it. I could not take it anymore. But because of God, my grandmother called me and all it took was for her to pause for a minute and tell me that I sounded down and asked me what was really going and instantly the floodgates opened and I literally sat on the phone with her for an hour and just cried, actually bawled might be a more accurate description. I didn’t have to say a word, it was like she already knew. So she let me cry, and she encouraged me and after I dried up, she told me she loved me and I felt so much better. Then I went to church last night and God reminded me once again not only how much he truly does love me, but that he does have a plan and purpose for my life and there are things that I still have to do for him before my time is up.

No, techincally things are no better than they were last week, but the difference is that I have a different perspective. I have to stop trying to be superwoman and actually acknowledge that I need help sometimes. We all do and its okay to get it and to ask for it. We all need to look out for each other and call each other just to see how we’re doing. Sometimes we just need a hug to make it through the day. There is a Nikki Giovanni poem about women that say something like, we comfort because we need comforting, and that’s me. I am feeling a million times better, although I am a little tired. But God is good and I am looking forward to his plan for me and all of the things to come. I feel like I just went through a fight though, LOL. I need some really good rest and a vacation would be ideal, but all things in time. But to my Rosas, Rose and Angel, I really want to thank you guys because just your phone calls asking me how I am meant a lot. I love love love love love love you guys!

Peace Y’all

B

August 19, 2007

No More Bad News!

Here is the bottom line. I need some good news. It seems like everywhere I turn, there is something terrible happening. Or maybe I’m just in the frame of mind to only notice the bad things, but whatever the case, I need a pick me up. I’m not capable of doing it for myself, so I need help. Does anyone have good news? Is there anything positive going on in people’s lives? Are people moving forward and accomplishing things? Anybody? I’m just saying, I need some good news and quick. So if anyone would like to be a friend and lift my spirits, I’d appreciate it.

July 30, 2007

Just good Medicine

 

            “And the depth of the laughter! The way it seemed to go so far down inside it scraped the inside bottoms of feet. No one laughed like that anymore. Nothing seemed funny enough. When his uncle and his guests finished laughing, they seemed lighter, clearer; even their activities appeared to be done more gracefully. It was as if the laughing emptied them, and sharing it placed whatever was laughable and unbearable in its proper perspective.”

Alice Walker, The Temple of My Familiar

 

 

            Saturday was an insane day. It has been a long while since I had a day like that!  It started with a morning conference call for a project I’m working on. Then I had fifteen minutes to get showered, dressed and find a parking space in Jack London on a Saturday so I could attend a luncheon I was invited to. Surprisingly and with much prayer, I actually made it on time. Well, five minutes late, but the program didn’t get started until 1 so we were all good. The luncheon was for a program called SMASH (Summer Math and Science Academy) where I was a guest speaker this summer. The program is five weeks long and this was their end of the program celebration. It was really nice. These students are so amazing. They are all in high school, sophomore to seniors and they truly are the cream of the crop. Amazing. So I’m sitting there, enjoying my raspberry sorbet and literally out of the blue, my name is called and I was awarded the first annual SMASH Hero Award for my “Accomplishments and Social Conscience”. It caught me completely off guard, but it was really nice. I have my certificate hanging up on my wall as we speak!

            The next stop was at my friend Lee and Kacy’s house for Kacy’s surprise party. I got there an hour and half late, trying to make sure I made it after the surprise. However as it turns out, I made it just in time. I love my people. So we were instructed to bring gifts that represented our relationship with Kacy and a friend of mine brought a basket filled with all kinds of stuff, and it had a pitcher of water and a bag of flour. Kacy, calls me and starts laughing but I couldn’t figure out the joke. Then my friend started telling the story and I fell out laughing. Back at Cal, a few of us were chillin at Kacy’s old apartment and the boys there decided to throw us out of the house and lock us out. Then they thought it would be funny to throw water on us from the windows. So we retaliated by throwing water and flour on their cars. It was hilarious. As we relived the moment, I was laughing so hard and for a second, the sound of my laughter surprised me. It had been so long since I had genuinely laughed like that and while most of the people at the party were looking at me crazy for laughing like that, I needed it. I felt like that laughter emptied out all of the negative weight I have been carrying around and I just felt better.

            After that, I went to a friends house to wash clothes and just kind of relax for a minute. It was really nice just being around girls, not doing anything, watching the fifth element and eating cookies. Not to mention the laundry facilities that probably saved my whole situation.

            With my fresh clothes in the back seat, I headed back to Oakland to stop my friends house who was having a party for her daughter’s first birthday. I sat on the floor among the balloons and candy and just chilled. The music was good and it was nice catching up with my girl.

            Once I left her house, I stopped by yet another function just because I promised I would and was there for about five minutes.

            Twelve hours later, I walked back into my apartment put my clothes away and woke up the next morning on my couch. I don’t even know what happened. But I do know that I needed everything that happened that day. Sometimes you just need to be reminded that it feels good to be alive and thriving. No matter what is going on, a good laugh can just change your whole perspective.

Peace Y’all

B

July 25, 2007

Nothing special, just some randomness...

So I am having one of those ‘silly’ days, so please forgive me for this blog.

 

            This morning, I woke up at 7, got dressed and headed out for my daily ritual of walking the lake and spending time with Jesus. As I was walking and getting down with some old school Kirk Franklin, my keen eye picked up on a couple of thing...

            Have you ever seen a duck sleep? They just sit there, right in the water, bobbing up and down with the waves with their little heads tucked into their feathers, knocked out. I wish I had that kind of serenity. It didn’t matter what was going on around them, if another herd of birds came around making noise, or if some kids threw sticks at them, they were just knocked out. I used to sleep that way as a kid, but now that I live alone, every little thing makes me stir. And now that I am still on earthquake alert its really bad now. Hence my ability to wake up at 7 am and walk...hilarious...

            Have you ever noticed that older black men always start their phrases with ‘okay’? There are a group of old men that I pass by every morning and it’s always the same greeting. “Okay, how you doing today sweetheart?” It cracks me up because the man who owns the coffee shop I practically live at now always does that. ‘Okay, how are you Brandelyn?” My old professor from Cal did it when we went to his house last weekend. “Okay, it’s good to see you.” LOL! I just thought that was funny.

            A friend of mine called me this morning to ask me about some medicine because he was sick and it got me to thinking about the last time I was really sick. It was last year and all of a sudden I was hit with the whole fever, chills, flu madness and it was not okay. After consulting Nana, I got on the phone with my boo at the time, put on tons of layers, turned on the space heater, crawled underneath every single blanket, sheet and cover I owned and settled down. I woke up the next morning feeling so much better because I sweated everything out, but it was also because the guy I was dating was extremely sweet about the whole thing. He stayed on the phone with me until I went to sleep and called me first thing in the morning to check on and called me throughout the day to check in. I kind of miss that, those sweet moments, but he turned out to more than a little shaky bakey, so I don’t miss it that much...

            Yesterday was my friends birthday and although we talked a million times yesterday, I just wanted to give her a shout out and tell her how much I love her and appreciate her in my life! ROSA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

July 21, 2007

You just never know...

This is dedicated to T-Mac and Ike who encouraged the retelling of this story with all of the embellishments I can think of! LOL!!!

 

            So, picture it. We are driving down the street and standing on one of the islands in the middle of the road is a man, who is clearly very angry, cussing and screaming and doing that I’m about to fight somebody back and forth strut all the while holding a screw driver. There is another man across the street standing in the doorway of a barbershop who is clearly trying to see what is going on. All the while, parked sideways, half on the curb and half in the street is a white work truck. A third man is running from the island where screwdriver man is standing and he makes it to the truck, dives into the back of the truck and comes out holding a large comforter. He then runs across the street to the island, bounces up and down a few times like boxers do and then he swings at screwdriver man with the blanket. He takes a step back, bounces again and takes another swing at screwdriver man. At this point, screwdriver man is trying to outrun the blanket and swing at blanket man with his screwdriver. The guy who was in the doorway at this point runs across the street to the island and tries to grab the blanket, because clearly that is the more dangerous weapon in this story, and pushing blanket man away from screwdriver man who has now returned to the angry back and forth strut, trying to cool himself off.

            We were driving, so I can’t say how the story ended, however, I have to give Oakland two snaps for the sheer innovation of it all. It doesn’t always take some crazy weapon to win a fight. Sometimes the very thing we snuggle up with to keep us warm at night is the very thing that can make our point in an argument. All I know is that if my trunk worked, I would carry a blanket with me. You never know when it would come in handy!

PEACE Y”ALL!

B

July 20, 2007

mmnmm...

Okay, so there are many things I can handle, Blizzards, random gunfire, Oakland. However, there is just one thing that I cannot take and that is an earthquake. Last night I was resting comfortably in my bed, knocked out even and then all of a sudden, the entire earth started shaking. The quake which they said was a 4.2, but I think it was much stronger than that lasted for 10 seconds, which I think lasted at least 10 minutes. My entire apartment shifted and slid around and then all was silent. There weren’t even any aftershocks, that’s how crazy this thing was. The earth was so tired that it couldn’t even be bothered with an aftershock. I’m telling you the whole thing was a mess. The cold part about it is that the epicenter of the quake was in Oakland. I feel like that is unfair. Oakland has enough to deal with as it is, we don’t need earthquakes. We can deal with being on the edge of an earthquake in walnut creek or something, but being the epicenter is doing just a bit too much. So now, anytime a truck rumbles by to loudly or the garage opens, I’m headed to the doorway ready to brave it out. The whole thing was completely unnecessary and now I’m on edge. Man...this whole thing is not the business. Dang...there goes the garage opening again...I gotta go...
Peace Y’all

July 09, 2007

Let me know what you think...

I think I may need to get out of Oakland for a while. I’m not sure where I could possible go because even with all of its tomfoolery, the city simply fits me. Well for the most part it fits me, but then there are moments like this one when it is JULY and the temperature is 50 degrees and overcast...Yes Guns, the clouds are back! But, besides that I realize my life has become just a bit too Oaklandish when my first reaction to hearing a song I like is to start shaking my head as though I had dreads and scrunching my face in the “thizz” fashion as my form of approval. I don’t even blink anymore when a bay area native driver decides to make a left turn from the right lane cutting across four lanes of traffic to do it against a red light. I get slightly miffed when I have to go to Berkeley for whatever reason and now automatically believe when I hear a popping sound that it must be fireworks, (which isn’t too outlandish considering the holiday that just passed) but I guess that theory could only work during the first week of July.

            Whatever the case, my level of hood is about to exceed its limits and maybe I need to go to Atlanta or Houston for a while and calm down. But then, my creative side I believe would suffer. Oakland inspires me in so many ways and my little notebook that is starting to fill up with the new poems would probably not appreciate the change, so I don’t know. It’s just something I was thinking about.

            But just a quick update for y’all. The writing career is taking off and I’m super excited. My first reviews came out in the June issue of Vapors magazine and I am hard at work listening to more albums and I have my first artist interview on Wednesday. I’m a bit nervous, but more so excited. My good friend Yancie has officially revamped my website and it is beautiful. So make sure you check out the changes www.beencee.com and let me know what you think! I’m also thinking about stopping with the email reminders, or at least doing thing every once in while, like with those blogs I really love. Let me know what you prefer. Anywho...it’s 7:39 in the morning and I’ve got a ton of fun work to do. So, let me know what you think about the new site and have a fabulous day!

Peace Y’all

B

July 05, 2007

Random acts of kindness

 


            I was on the bus the other day, heading to Berkeley to teach a class and instead of hiding my face behind a book like I normally do, I decided to simply watch. The bus was packed full of people and in a rare event, Oakland was having an extremely warm day, so the bus was about 15 degrees hotter inside with all of the body heat. As I sat in my seat I saw a homeless man who seemed to be a little crazy taking up extra seats with his legs stretched out, mumbling to himself, nothing out of the ordinary here really.  But I noticed that anytime anyone sat next to him or near him, he cracked a joke and made that person laugh. One woman laughed loudly and shook her head and thanked the man for making her smile today because she was having a really bad day. This homeless man nodded his head and went back to mumbling to himself until the next person came along. At one point he jumped to the aid of a woman in a wheelchair who was struggling trying to get her hands in the straps so she could hold on, smiling and mumbling the whole time. A few stops later, he did not hesitate to give up his seat to an old man who couldn’t keep his balance with the jerking of bus. I watched the man as he mumbled and talked to himself and when I got off the bus I suddenly felt a million times better. Even though I was not having the best day, watching that man just be nice to perfect strangers just made me feel better.

 

            On the way back home, the bus was even more full, a hundred degrees hotter and everyone including the bus driver had a major attitude. However, a blind woman got on the bus and for at least three stops everyone sat and watched her struggle to stand up as the bus jerked and pulled its way down the street. A young woman who had gotten on a few stops before the woman and was laden with at least 10 bags, got up and let the blind woman have her seats. It took her a couple of minutes to get all of her bags out of the way but the blind woman could not have been more grateful. When the young lady with the bags exited the bus, one of the men on the bus helped her with get off the bus with her bags before jumping back on the bus.

            As I was sitting there watching all of this, the woman sitting next to me suddenly tapped the man sitting in front of us on his shoulders and said something to him before touching his hair and pulling a spider out of his hair. Now we are not going to into why he had the spider in his head, but it was the fact that she was nice enough to do something about it. As we all know I don’t do spiders, so I probably would have alerted the man it its presence, but that’s about it...I’m just sayin’. But it was nice to see people taking care of other people.

            Helping friends out in a time of need with groceries or gas or even rent just because you love someone often goes unnoticed or unappreciated. Being supportive of someone, even if they don’t support you is something that is difficult but can be so beneficial to our spirits, just like praying for people who have done you wrong and wishing those people well. These are random acts of kindness and they are not as distant a memory as I once thought. People are nice to each other and there is still a general sense of kindness in our society. The problem is that often we are too involved in our own worlds to notice the needs of other people. But on an occasion it’s good to keep your nose out of your book and just look around. Seeing all of those little things the other day really inspired me to just try and be more attentive and most importantly, nice.

Peace Y’all

B

June 11, 2007

Checking in

Whew… I needed that break! Hey Fam!! So things have been really amazing in my world, let me tell you. My first week as a full time writer went way better than I expected. I found a new coffee shop in Oakland that is amazing. It’s called Coffee with a Beat and it’s down the street from my apartment. I know I mentioned it in my last blog, but I really need you all to understand how great this place is. I walk in, everybody, patrons, the owner, his sons, the folks who just roll in; everyone gets the same warm greeting and love. I spent two hours talking to the owner on Friday and it was like sitting down and talking to pops. He is really dope. As we were talking, Ishmael Reed, an amazing writer and literary icon strolls in and Mr. Nate, (the owner) made sure that I met him. What? That was so amazing to meet him. I’ve been trying to meet Mr. Reed since my first year at Cal when he was a professor there. It never worked out, but now the timing is right. He was really nice and I’m excited to talk with him again. God is good.
    I’ve been working extremely hard and am making a lot of head way on my projects and articles and things. I find that I am busier now than I was when I had a full time job. LOL! But I’m loving every moment of it. Currently, I am in Duarte, CA at my momma’s house, sitting on her couch on her computer in my nightgown at 11 in the morning listening to her and my Nana argue about a newsletter they are working on. We are waiting for my Aunt to wake up for the day, it should be in another couple of hours knowing her, and (I am my Auntie’s niece LOL!) and then we are going to see what we can get ourselves into for the day. Man, I love coming home, the problem though is that I can’t really seem to stay awake for too long. I always come here, get in Mom’s bed and it’s a wrap. I do manage to wake up for a meal or two, but for the most part, I am lightweight passed out the whole time. But I need this time of rest. My mind is always racing and has too much going on so coming home to Mom’s house where the only thing I have to decided is when to roll over in her bed is the best feeling.
    But things are well. I’ve been really focusing on my walk with God and trying to really listen to what he is saying. Which is why I haven’t blogged in a while, just trying to focus and not get distracted. So now that I have my routine down and my focus set, I’m good to go. And no worries, the tomfoolery will be catalogued because there so much to note. I love you all and there are going to be some announcements soon!

May 28, 2007

Bringing back the past

The last few days have been both extremely productive and extremely solitary. I’ve been immersed in a creative project, getting ready to transition to the next phase of my life and career and the creative bubble I have been living in has been very refreshing. But this afternoon, I swooped up my twin soul, rolled to the coffee shop and worked for a couple of hours. Afterward, we decided to stop by the lake, which was looking entirely too delicious not to take advantage of, and we got to talking. Of the various topics that came up, one very important one was, when did we become so adult, that we stopped having time for our friends?

            It’s crazy because between all of the work hours and meetings and family obligations, we forgot to be there for each other. There have been more plans cancelled than actually realized and there are plenty of times when I have had to make the inevitable, ‘we haven’t talked in a few weeks and we need to catch up’ phone calls.

            This conversation also brought back memories of a ton of things I miss. Undergrad is a time you never truly appreciate until it’s over and today, I realize how good we had it. The dinners, the parties, the deep conversations, the not so deep conversations, LOL, we really had it good back then. We were constantly creating memories and building on friendships because a. we had time and b. it was important to us. But now that we all have jobs and careers and babies and husbands, when do we make time to just be friends?

            Now is the time for us to just have those random Friday night get togethers, where our conversations play the soundtrack and there is nothing but good food and good friends. My twin soul and I decided to start that back up. The summer of togetherness has begun. Life is too short not to really take the time to love our loved ones and I think now is the perfect time to start!

Peace Y’all
B

May 23, 2007

Coffee Shop daydreams...

 

Am I the only who is bothered by flies? On days like this when it is close to 80 degrees outside, of course every possible door and window is standing wide open at the coffee shop. The light breeze is almost as refreshing as the mango Iced tea I am sipping on, but I just cannot get over these flies. It seems like every fly in America has made its way in here and while I have personally spent the last 15 minutes, tracking them to make sure they don’t come my way, the other patrons in the place don’t seem to mind them at all. They just let them buzz around their heads, land on their food, sit in their hair, whatever they feel like. Perhaps it was from growing up in Nana’s house and being taught from a very young age that Fly swatters are a necessity in any household and if there is an intruder it must die by any means necessary. I remember jumping off of couches ninja style trying to catch the flies mid air, or trying to wait until they landed on the window so I could catch them trapping them with the blinds. Whatever it took, I was Nana’s girl. But now, living in Berkeley, I suppose people feel like every living creature deserves equal rights, but my philosophy is the same, you’re good as long as you are in your own environment. But once you step into mine...watch out for the ninja.

 

Why is it that people can’t take a hint? I’m sitting at my favorite table by the window and there are two men sitting at separate tables outside. For the sake of this story, we’ll call them Man A and Man B.  Man A has not stopped talking since the other man sat down. In fact, he can’t even eat his food because he is flapping his gums so hard. The funny part about it is that for as long as I have been watching them, Man B has not said one word. In fact he continues to stare at Man A with a blank stare on his face and continues to let out long sighs as Man A continues to talk. I have had similar experiences, usually on the bus. A random person will just start talking and wanting to share all of their personal philosophies about life. One would think that the raising of a book past eye level, or a blank stare accompanied with long sighs would be enough to deter your average space invader. Sometimes you have to throw in the wide eyes and the exasperated look, but sometimes that’s not enough. For those of us who pride ourselves on being rude, getting up and changing location would be an optimal response. But I was raised to generally be respectful so I have learned to just block them out. I don’t respond, look at them, acknowledge their overall situations and usually, they will get tired of hearing themselves talk and eventually simmer down. However, there are those few who would keep talking regardless of your being there or not.

 

Children: It seems as though the children that I see at the coffee shop (at all hours of the day mind you) are always some of the most out of control children I have ever seen. From the moment they walk in barefoot wearing a two piece bikini, or in flowered dresses, with boxer shorts and sparkly shoes with no socks, they run straight up to the front counter and start screaming about what kind of cookie they want. I overheard one woman tell her child to be on her best behavior and use her manners. The child’s response was...and I quote... “I already know that mom...you keep saying the same thing over and over and over...I heard you already...geez” Mind you this child was all of five years old. Of course my natural reaction was to snatch this little girl up by her sparkly shoes and ask her who she was talking to, but that was not my child. Her mother responded by sayin, and I quote... “I know that honey, but I just want you to....blah blah blah...What?! If that had been Paula K. Gardner, I would have been read all up and down in front of everybody in and outside of that coffee shop for getting smart. So after they leave, another little boy who reminded me of pig pen from the Peanut gang rolls in and decides that he wants to be a frog. So he gets on all fours and proceeds to start jumping up and down yelling Ribit at the top of his lungs. His mother was oblivious to this nonsense and was even more oblivious to the fact that her child had just picked up a piece of fallen cookie and eaten it right off the floor!!! Come on blood! That is completely out of line! GET YOUR KIDS! It is not acceptable for your children to run into somebody’s place of business, screaming at the top of their lungs, tearing up displays and then you reward this with sugar? Mom...thank you for raising me with some sense. All of those beatings make sense now. Love you!

 

These kids done wore me out. I’ll Holla!!
Peace Y’all

B

May 15, 2007

My eyes are open and it's okay

“I’m so busy looking for God in people

I miss the bright yellow

Diamond shaped street signs

Hanging from their necks that caution

Devil straight ahead.”

 

                                   Michael Datcher

 

On my last trip to Half Price Books, my Sunday afternoon retreat, I came across a book called “Raising Fences, a black man’s love story.” I picked it up, glanced at the back cover and decided that it couldn’t hurt to read. I call it research for a project I’m working on. I purchase the book and it sits on my coffee table for weeks before I even crack it open. Everything else takes precedence, the timing wasn’t right.

            Once I picked up this book, it took me a day and a half to read it. Half way through it I realized that this book was not a book of fiction, but a memoir. I continued to read and found myself mirrored many times in the story he had to tell. In this book, he laid himself completely bare and do mean completely. It was so amazing to read because as women, we rarely if ever get that type of insight into what a man really and truly feels. We get the voice on the phone or the averted eyes, but rarely do we get that raw honesty. And it wasn’t just about his relationships. He talked about his spiritual battles, being the first person to go to college and what it was like adapting to that college. Coincidentally he went to Berkeley and I found myself wanting to laugh and tear up at the same time as he talked about his struggle to adapt in the overly academic environment in a part of California he’d never even been to, finding out how to survive when ultimately everyone is out for themselves and how he almost didn’t make it through.  But he did and in the process he found himself, the writer, the poet, the revolutionary and most importantly, the fighter. Reading about his struggle, I found myself wanting to thank him, for telling my story.

            He spoke about a child he found out was not his and how his initial desire was for the woman he was seeing to have an abortion, and his feelings of shame and guilt when he found out the daughter he didn’t want in the beginning was not his and now, he couldn’t have the only thing that truly taught him to love. That’s deep. It brought be me back to my own feelings toward my dad and how it always amazes me that now that I’m almost 30, I’m expected to bend over backwards and try to make a relationship, that I always wanted, work at a time that I don’t need it. Once you get used to things being a certain way, calling mom to wish her a happy Father’s day, so used to looking out of the front window searching for hummingbirds instead of waiting for him to come, I have to ask, why am I supposed to go back to the old dream because you finally woke up?

            He wrote about his involvement in a church that molded him and shaped him into something that could not be identified and I found it mirroring my struggles with “religion.” I have always had a foundation in God, all those years in church with Mom made that stone solid. But as I grew older, I found myself involuntarily rebelling against the rules. Finally free from the thumb of the church I went to Xavier and lost my mind. Drinking, partying, getting tattooed, enjoying those moonlight kisses at the pyramid, not understanding how to talk to anyone about what was going on because in the church I was brought up in, you just weren’t allowed to sin and if you did, you would go to hell. But like Michael, I had to find God for myself. I had to create my own foundation in God that was strong enough to trump any man made rules until I was once again strong enough to walk back into the church and now I feel centered. I just had to get there.

            He spoke about friendships and how essential they are to our survival. Carrying a load alone will not allow you get very far. You must have people who have your back and who will help pick up the slack when you need it. I’m talking about just a shoulder to cry on, but a friend who let you live in their house if you have no place else to go. A friend who will drop by with groceries and no judgment if they know you are struggling. A friend who will listen to you just talk and get it all out so you can ease your mind. A friend who will help you grow. Like Michael, I am so used to seeking out the God in people that I never see the caution sign until its too late. Reading this really truly made me appreciate my friends. Not my associates, but my friends. Those people I can and have called at 3 am in tears who wait until the morning to cuss me out for waking them up. It made me understand how truly blessed I am to have seen with my own eyes what a friend is, and it made me wonder how many people can honestly say that. Just like love, friendship, in its purest form is painfully rare.

And most importantly to me, he spoke about his relationship with the woman who would become his wife. The story was not about flowers and candy and romantic dinners. It was about life, tears, arguments and prayer. He talked about having a responsibility to this woman, not to dominate her, or even be her protection one hundred percent of the time, but how to be the best man he could possibly be for her. He showed me how he learned from his mistakes and stepped his game up when the next opportunity came instead of forcing those lessons into situations they didn’t belong in. I read this and realized that I’m not wrong in waiting for someone who’s worth me instead of settling for the next best thing. It is okay not to sleep with everything breathing and not to engage in discussions about condoms or no condoms, what the best position is and how fine that dude it. It’s okay to be a lady and to carry myself as such. It made me realize that most men can’t appreciate this type of woman because they are not that type of man, and that reality is what is going to make my union even more special.

Reading this book made me realize that we are all so much alike. We all share so much in common, but we don’t know because we don’t talk or share. We mirror each other but can’t see it because we’ve covered that mirror with a cloth. We hide behind our race, our backgrounds, our education, our financial status. Everyone longs for lasting relationships but we prevent them from happening because allowing them to happen means opening up and that is out of the question. Maybe it’s time to start knocking down some of those walls and really start “raising fences.” Start giving each other a peek at what we really are and bask in the healing that can come from it.

Peace Y’all

B

May 10, 2007

Such is life

So, things have been hectic the last few days. On Monday, I was rear ended and subsequently forced into the car that stopped in front of me, so yeah, No Tanto Mucho. Because of that, my car has been dubbed “totaled” although technically I can still drive it. Although this morning I realized that I don’t have any break lights or turn signals so that veto’s that idea. Physically, I’m alright. I can’t turn my head to the left or right and I have some nerve damage in my back and a strained shoulder, but its nothing that large doses of ibuprofen can’t fix.

            I know some of you are thinking, hey, wasn’t she just in a car accident not to long ago? The answer to that question is yes, yes she was. The cold part about it is that the insurance company of the woman who hit me, can’t get in touch with old girl. So everything is put on pause until they can reach her. Again I say, No Tanto Mucho.

            But other than that, things are okay. The campaign is going very well. We are getting support from people all over the country and I just sent off a formal complaint to the chamber of commerce and the city of San Leandro. So we’ll see what happens from there.

            But yeah, this is my life. God is good and that’s all I have to say about that!

 

Peace!
B

April 24, 2007

Adios Cable!

For the past few months I have been spending way too much time and money on Amazon buying DVD’s. I told myself that I was going to turn my cable off soon and I was going to need something to entertain me in the mean time. In theory, this logic made sense, but it never worked out in actuality. So this morning as I was doing my usual lap around Lake Merritt, I decided that the time had come and I needed to stop playing games. So, ladies and gentlemen, in exactly one week, I will no longer have cable. I know myself and have come to the conclusion that telling myself I’m not going to watch TV doesn’t work. As my 04 will be quick to bust me out and note that my plan to only watch one hour of tv a day, hasn’t worked since I was 8 years old, and even then I would sneak and watch TV from the hallway. So yes, I have to resort to drastic measures and make it happen. This is a big step for me because I have been spending an embarrassing amount of time in front of the television and now I know that I will have to put this new found free time to good use and actually get some work done. I wonder if I will still be surprised by deadlines and caught off guard by the numbers on the calendar? I wonder if I will be actually complete numbers one through five on my long list of things to do. I wonder if my apartment will actually stay clean and if I will actually read some of the books that are collecting dust on my bookshelf. I’m excited and a bit nervous about this because I know how I get when I go into writers mode. When I am so focused on my projects that days will go by without me communicating with people, and not even really think anything of it. Whatever the case, this is going to be fun. Interesting if nothing else. One good thing is that it will cause me to spend more time outside. Especially now that the weather is nice. Wait a minute, is this excitement I feel? I’ll definitely keep you posted and hopefully my blogs will begin to get a lot more interesting! LOL!
Peace y’all

B

April 19, 2007

Focus People

I have been following the whole Virginia Tech situation very closely and I truly have no words. As more and more information comes to light, there are all these discussions happening about how something like this can be prevented. The sad and truly scary thing is that it couldn’t have been. That man was genuinely disturbed, he hade major issues and it was not a secret. The university tried to get him help and they acknowledged that he had issues, but really it is impossible to truly imagine that something that this could ever happen. One of the truly sad things about this type of situation is the aftermath. I was on campus the other day leaving a meeting and I was walking behind two students who were discussing Virginia Tech and the things that were coming out of their mouths was really sad. Now all of a sudden every Asian student who walked past them was a potential killer and they were saying that the Asian students needed to be monitored more closely. This is exactly the problem with our society. Because one person does something horrible, now all of a sudden, every person who looks like them, or fits their racial profile, is the same exact way. How can we get this to stop? You now have the entire country of South Korea jumping through hoops trying to make sure that we (AMERICA) understands that they had nothing to do with this incident. Of course they didn’t! And why are they going through all of this? Because they know how we are. Suddenly things will get funny with South Korea because of one incident. I’m not downplaying what happened. It was horrible and unbelievable and I know that it will be a long time coming before true healing comes, but we need to look at the individual for his choices and leave it at that. That man made those choices and decided to do what he did. He did it on his own, for his own beliefs and his own reasons. It is so easy to point fingers and place the blame on whatever you can, as long as its not you. As long as it’s clear that you are and your people had nothing to do with this, it’s all good. Instead of pointing fingers and placing blame why don’t we focus on what’s important? People lost their lives, people were injured, people are scarred for life. There is no point in trying to point fingers and place blame. We know who did it, and we know why. The questions have been answered. Now its time to really focus and begin to heal.

Peace Y’all

B

April 10, 2007

Wouldn't it be nice....

Wouldn’t it be nice....

Wouldn’t it be nice if your favorite books and movies and television shows came with a wrap up disc? For example, have you ever read a book and as soon as you finished the last sentence a million questions began running through your head? Wouldn’t it be nice if there was a nice little synopsis that let you know if Carrie and Big’s relationship worked out, or if Charlotte and Harry got their baby? Or what really happened to the family in the Darkest Child?  It is slightly irritating to get all wrapped up in the lives of these fictitious characters and then be left unsatisfied at the end of their story. I’m just sayin....

 

Wouldn’t it be nice if there was a website where you could type in the last book you read and it would create a reading list of books you would like based off of your last read. Kind of like Netflix. It would be nice to have that type of decision made for you. Imagine how much more money the literary industry would make if it was that easy. How many times have you wandered into Barnes and Noble and walked out with nothing because the selection was just overwhelming? Maybe I could make that website happen. Hmmm....Yancie? You down?

 

Wouldn’t it be nice if people were punished properly for their crimes? For example, Don Imus goes on air and decides that it is perfectly acceptable to call Black women “nappy Headed ho’s” and instead of being fired, he is suspended for two weeks. His job is supposedly dangling in the balance, but as long as he keeps his word that he won’t do it again, he’ll be back on the air in two weeks. The funny thing is that if we were all honest, his fro rivals my own, so which would you like to be Imus...the pot or the kettle?

 

Wouldn’t it be nice of ‘society’ didn’t exist? If society didn’t exist then the pressure we put on ourselves would no longer exist. So as I sit at home watching Corrine Bailey Rae’s new video I wouldn’t hear my friends say, “Okay, girl, I see you with the crooked teeth. Go ahead, represent.” I hadn’t even noticed her teeth, I was focused on how cute her dress was...Or when watching John Legend I wouldn’t hear “Um, John sweetie, we could have done a crunch or two before shooting this video.” I was focused on how cute the video was. If society didn’t exist, our focus wouldn’t be on the physical, but rather, on something more important?

 

Wouldn’t it be nice if we could have the best of both worlds? If I could have my way, my Rose would move back to the bay and we could go back to the days of chicken nuggets and pasta roni. Don’t forget the Sunset Blush. I would really love to go back to those days.

 

Wouldn’t it be nice if possums didn’t exist?!! My walk this morning turned into a jog as I passed a car and looked down and saw the beady eyes of a possum looking at me. Then this thing had the audacity to take a step toward me as though he was challenging me. Why are there possums in Oakland anyway?! And any possum brave enough to venture his way through Oakland is not one I’m trying to mess with! Paula did not raise a fool! I broke out and made it down to the lake in record time. But again I ask, why are there possums in OAKLAND?!

 

I’m just sayin’

Peace Y’all
B

 

 

April 09, 2007

Plight of the Narcoleptic

Disclaimer: I was too sleepy to edit this...so....yeah... 

Man, I have no idea what it is about today, but I cannot get it together. I woke up half an hour late, but decided to get up and walk anyway. I made it slowly through my walk, listening to about 50 songs on my mp3 player, practically sleeping as I strolled, barely making it through. When I got home, it took me forever to get into the shower, get out of the shower, get dressed and get out of the door. As I was driving, I was incredibly sleepy and I had no idea why. I went to bed pretty early, but who knows. I got to work and realized that I left my laptop at home and am now going back to the days of the underground using one of the main computers to type this blog. My boss keeps sticking his head in on me, sure that I am doing something I shouldn’t, (I am, but for real, back up off me) so I keep another work related document open and ready to go, just in case. 8 weeks and counting. I think I may just go home now and work from home because whatever this heaviness is, I can’t fight it. I’m about to go to sleep as we speak? Is it because I’ve been working out 5 days a week? I thought working out was supposed to give you more energy and make you love life more! Since I got serious, I’ve been crazy sleepy and unable to wake completely up. What’s up with that? Maybe it’s my diet too. I’ve been living on strawberries and whipped cream since our book club meeting on Saturday. In fact, yesterday was the first real meal I’d had for at least a couple of days (Shout out to my bay area mama for the Easter Feast!) Whatever it is, I can’t call it, but I’m tired of waking up in my own apartment, trying to figure out where I am. This is crazy. Normally in this situation, I would simply stop working out and go back to my old ways, but my walks in the morning have become ‘my time.’ I can work out whatever thoughts have been muddled in my head; I can plan out everything I need to get done for the day; basically that is my alone time to not have to do anything but be me and having that time gets me through the day. But, um, something is going to have to work itself out because I can’t feel great for an hour and a half and feel like a zombie for the other 22 and half. Something has got to change. Yeah, I think I’m going to home and work from home the rest of the day. My narcolepsy is keeping me from being productive in the office. LOL! Hopefully I’ll get it together! Peace!

B

April 02, 2007

ABC, ABY

ABC, ABY

 

            As I sit back and bask in my “Tsunami of Swagger” (shout out to Will Ferrell) I can’t help but to be excited about the change in season. I took the last few days off from work and really soaked in life. I went wherever the wind blew me, woke up when I wanted and found myself to be incredibly productive, I could certainly get used to that. It seems like this good feeling is contagious because it seems like the bay is chillen as well. All is well in the “Town”.

            I’ve also been in a very creative place lately. I’ve been blessed to have all different sources of inspiration, a lot of that coming from music. The other morning, I woke up before the sun and for some reason, could not go to sleep. So, I did the unthinkable and got dressed and went for a walk around the lake. I recently finally figured out how to use my MP3 player and put more than one album on there so I’ve been enjoying my non stop mix of all of my favorite songs. So anyway, as I walked one of Mos Def’s songs came on and although I’d heard that particular song a bunch of times, this was the first time I’d actually listened to it. He was talking about the lessons he would teach his kids and how these lessons need to be taught in schools around the country and adopted by adults as well. The lessons of ABC and ABY, Always Be Cool, Always Be You. For some reason this concept really soaked into my mind and I felt it. Always Be Cool, and Always Be You and it seems like things fall into their proper perspectives. It did for me at least! LOL. I realized that I haven’t been practicing what I preach, so I’m going to start! I’m going to do me and see what happens from there. But I must warn all of those in my vicinity that the Tsunami of Swagger is strong and you may just get sucked in! LOL!

            I pray all is well with everyone!

PeACE

B