I watched myself smile slightly as my soul stood rooted behind crying, each tear
whispering out the secrets of my life. My body knew how to pretend that it had never
happened while my soul was allowed to be stunned and confused.
"No," I said again, feeling something inside of me break with each step we took.
My body avoided looking into any of the glass windows that seemed to go on
endlessly as we walked. I knew that I would not be able to see my soul's reflection. I
knew that my soul wasn't there. My soul was still in the corner, cowering and cold. I
looked back on it, shaking my head sadly, disappointed at its cowardice.
He looked back one last time to search for the car that was long gone.
Things had started off simply enough. The afternoon was turning to evening as we
strolled slowly and without purpose, stopping to cool off with iced coffee at a tiny café
we discovered along our travels. We continued on with our exploration, stopping in
various stores in the West Village and allowed the sunshine to kiss our exposed skin.
As we stood on the corner of Christopher and 7th Avenue, a white car slowed as it
passed. The back window rolled down and a man in the back seat yelled out "Fat
Bitch" and spat in my direction before the car peeled off, with the sound of laughter
trailing behind it. We stood there for a split second, Branden standing next to me
stunned, me standing next to him, stunned, and me standing next to me, shattered
and drowning in my own tears.
He continued to walk, shocked and disgusted, tossing out threats, still unable to look
me in my face. My body, continued to walk along side him, pretending as though it was
just another day, searching my brain for something, anything to change the subject
with, but my soul felt like it was snatched from my body and was instantly transported
back to those high school days when my weight was the only thing anyone saw.
Instantly everything I had accomplished, everything I had become melted into a simple
image and I became just a fat girl again and all it took was one word from a stranger.
One word from a stranger shook loose any shred of confidence I had been clinging
too. One word from a stranger instantly made everything I had on uncomfortable,
made me suddenly aware of every article of clothing, every piece of jewelry. Every
step felt forced, but my body, with all of its years of experience in pretending that
nothing happened found a joke to crack, and a store window to point out, easily
successful in convincing both of us that everything was okay. My body was able to
convince both of us that the incident had not happened and that I was still talented,
beautiful, desired, and successful. But my soul knew the truth. My soul understood
that one word from a complete stranger made me feel like I was nothing more, than a
size, an image or an opinion. Every pound that I carried suddenly felt like a million. As
we continued to walk, every step made me feel more and more like a fat...
whispering out the secrets of my life. My body knew how to pretend that it had never
happened while my soul was allowed to be stunned and confused.
"No," I said again, feeling something inside of me break with each step we took.
My body avoided looking into any of the glass windows that seemed to go on
endlessly as we walked. I knew that I would not be able to see my soul's reflection. I
knew that my soul wasn't there. My soul was still in the corner, cowering and cold. I
looked back on it, shaking my head sadly, disappointed at its cowardice.
He looked back one last time to search for the car that was long gone.
Things had started off simply enough. The afternoon was turning to evening as we
strolled slowly and without purpose, stopping to cool off with iced coffee at a tiny café
we discovered along our travels. We continued on with our exploration, stopping in
various stores in the West Village and allowed the sunshine to kiss our exposed skin.
As we stood on the corner of Christopher and 7th Avenue, a white car slowed as it
passed. The back window rolled down and a man in the back seat yelled out "Fat
Bitch" and spat in my direction before the car peeled off, with the sound of laughter
trailing behind it. We stood there for a split second, Branden standing next to me
stunned, me standing next to him, stunned, and me standing next to me, shattered
and drowning in my own tears.
He continued to walk, shocked and disgusted, tossing out threats, still unable to look
me in my face. My body, continued to walk along side him, pretending as though it was
just another day, searching my brain for something, anything to change the subject
with, but my soul felt like it was snatched from my body and was instantly transported
back to those high school days when my weight was the only thing anyone saw.
Instantly everything I had accomplished, everything I had become melted into a simple
image and I became just a fat girl again and all it took was one word from a stranger.
One word from a stranger shook loose any shred of confidence I had been clinging
too. One word from a stranger instantly made everything I had on uncomfortable,
made me suddenly aware of every article of clothing, every piece of jewelry. Every
step felt forced, but my body, with all of its years of experience in pretending that
nothing happened found a joke to crack, and a store window to point out, easily
successful in convincing both of us that everything was okay. My body was able to
convince both of us that the incident had not happened and that I was still talented,
beautiful, desired, and successful. But my soul knew the truth. My soul understood
that one word from a complete stranger made me feel like I was nothing more, than a
size, an image or an opinion. Every pound that I carried suddenly felt like a million. As
we continued to walk, every step made me feel more and more like a fat...
