Ziptripping to A Different World!

Spring has always been one of my favorite times of year. The time changing, flowers blooming and people actually smiling because suddenly, the world is bright and hopeful again. This is the perfect time of year to have adventures, and thanks to Zipcar, I took my very first one last weekend.

Two weeks ago, while scrolling through Instagram, I came across something magnificent. The cast of my favorite tv show of all time “A Different World” was reuniting at Norfolk State University and it took all about five seconds for me to purchase my ticket. I didn’t know exactly where Norfolk was, or how I was going to get there, but it didn’t matter. This was history and I was going to be there.

After doing my happy dance, I logged onto the Zipcar site and discovered that I could rent a car for the day for less than $100 dollars! I had signed up for Zipcar a few weeks before, but had not used the service yet. The weather is nice and after at least two months of being mostly sedentary, I have been focused on trying to get my 10,000 steps in for fitbit, but since Norfolk was about 3.5 hours from DC, I happily booked the car and began to count down the days. This was going to be awesome.

When I picked up my car, the thing that impressed me the most was how easy everything was. I used to my zipcard to unlock the car and everything I needed was right there. The car keys, not only a phone charger, but also a AUX plug, AND a gas card. Before I put any car in reverse, my first order of business is getting the music right. I was worried that I would have to run back to the house and grab one of my old CD mixes before getting on the road, but thankfully, Zipcar had me and after I plugged in and rolled down the windows, I was on my way to heaven. The trip was incredible and so necessary. I’d forgotten how wonderful and relaxing it is to just drive. Open roads, wind whipping my hair every which way, my ipod on shuffle and singing at the absolute top of my lungs. Even a few pockets of traffic couldn’t kill my vibe. I needed that break from the city; every minute of it.

I arrived at Norfolk State with a few minutes to spare and as soon as the cast came out, I was on my feet clapping and screaming with the rest of them. It was literally like seeing my favorite older cousins at the family reunion and I, like everyone in the audience was stuck on every word they said. They talked about the importance of college and HBCUs. The value in finding your passion and pursuing it. The need for giving back and always remembering where you came from. The absolute highlight was the entire audience singing the theme song, ad libs included, along with the cast. It literally felt like a family reunion. I left the venue feeling so energized and refreshed and excited about my personal next steps.

As I got back into my Zipcar and turned up my music, I knew that by time I got home all of the stress from the work week would be completely washed away. Sometimes you just need to hop in a car and ride. I will hold on to these good feelings for as long as I can. It is great to know, that when I need a little pick me up, a Zipcar and an open road are only a few clicks away!

 

let’s just be fly…

i woke up tired of talking about relationships. thinking about relationships.

honestly, right now, i just want to look fly every day, wear my fabulous lipstick. wear shoes that make me walk and feel like i’m the flyest chick alive, and handle all the business as i continue to build my empire.

that’s it. that’s my focus.

i want to get lost in books and take long walks while listening to music that reminds me how amazing i am and how good it feels to be alive.

i want to have brunch with my girls and say yes to that last mimosa i should have said no to and giggle because i am so damn tipsy and i never want this moment to end.

i want to have conversations with dreamers who are also about their business and putting action to their words.

i have work to do. dreams to help come to fruition. business to handle.

right now i just want to spend time with my fabulous self, my amazing friends and turn heads, and smell good and always have lipstick that shines.

yeah. its time. all of this fabulousness has been buried and quiet for too long.

forget that. its time to shine.

novel excerpt

*sneak peek of a little something i’ve been working on. =)

 

my goal for the past week was to ease you out of my system. to calm the screeching thoughts in my head and find my way back to guitar strumming and candlelight. but you are stronger than my desires and your presence has made me weak. how did we get here. to the point of being strangers in a familiar land. releasing our passion to become lovers. unattached sex, two bodies bumping against each other, no connection, just touching.

who are you to me?

i stare at you sometimes when you think you are alone. my eyes trace the line of your face, the bridge of your nose, your eyelashes, the straight lines of your jaw. i love that your right eye is slightly bigger than your left and you rub your big toe against your smaller toe every time you are deep in thought. i miss the sound of your voice. the way it rises when your thoughts get ahead of your mouth and you can’t get the idea out fast enough. or the way you sit and watch my movements with that crinkle above your eye and i know that you want me.

last night, i wanted to hear your voice again. to know that you saw me. that i was still yours. i stood in the doorway of your office and watched you. head bent. eyes turned down.

“hi.”

your head shot up like i had just rattled your chair. the silence in our home has become like a roommate. present. annoying. but necessary for survival.

“how long have you been standing there?”

your voice was cold. unfamiliar. i was searched your face for any traces of love but all i saw were shadows.

“look,’ you said, ‘i’m swamped. i can’t get in to this with you. i really can’t.”

the woman in me fought the urge to charge. cross the river between us and sit in front of you until you acknowledged my presence. until you stopped looking through me and saw me. instead, i chose to wait. i knew that this was not where i wanted to be so i looked at you, with your head down and your shoulders bent and i waited until your eyes finally made their way to mine.

“i’m leaving.”

you paused and turned your body away from me in your chair.

“okay.” was the word the dissolved us into you and i.

and so i left. with the small remnants of my dignity intact.

i left to go find the pieces of me i sacrificed when i replaced your name with mine.

i left to find my definition.

i left to find me.

and today i wonder, how long it took for you to realize that i was really gone.

6 am fire alarms… a list…

“Your strength,… is soft, indirect, delicate, tender, womanly. But it is a strength just the same.”

 

  1. fire alarms at 6 am. the soundtrack to a mind already reeling.
  2. tired of games.
  3. too full. too heavy. too much. too.
  4. i am beautiful.
    1. i believe. i feel it. i trust it.
    2. what i am, who i am, what i represent, the way i love is magic.
    3. i get me now. i get me. i get. me.
    4. tears.
  5. anxiety: cut wide open. exposed. raw. stepping into oneself hurts when the shape does not fit.
    1. cutting away the dead pieces.
    2. shaving off the unnecessary baggage.
    3. make room for me.
  6. if only i can learn to breathe.
  7. my biggest quest is for quiet.
    1. seen but not heard
    2. seen but not spoken to
    3. not seen. not heard. not spoken to
    4. quiet.
  8. voices
    1. you will fail
    2. he doesn’t want you
    3. your novel will go unfinished
    4. why do you even try
  9. “can’t keep running awayyyyyyyyyyy…..”
  10. i will have moments of flashback at the most random times. times when i am in the middle of laughing, or telling a joke, or feeling amazing, or dancing around in a new pair of heels, and out of no where the weight will aim directly for my chest and sit there.
    1. her hands
    2. her voice
    3. her telling me i will be okay
  11. i miss this the  most
  12. i did not realize how necessary this was.
    1.  
  13. how much it fed me
    1. the look on her face when she would listen to me cry
    2. the sound of her laughter when she couldn’t finish a story that was too funny to her
    3. the way she would hum in the kitchen on Saturday mornings as she made her coffee
    4. her fluffy afro hovering above the leafy greens as she tended the garden
    5. the way she always said, now Brandee, when she was about to check my entire life
  14. never call me Brandee
    1. it is a bullet to my chest every time
    2. the voice saying it will never be hers
  15. unanswered questions. afraid of honesty. preparing myself for the worst.
  16. i had a conversation with you last night in my bathroom mirror. preparing myself for the rejection that is inevitably coming. i thought it wouldn’t hurt again, but it does
  17. i have no more room for pain.
  18. strong. strength. strengthened.
  19. tucked away behind the pages of a book.
  20. searching for safe spaces. always.
  21. i am beautiful. even at my dark points. even in my dark spaces. even in the furthest corner of my cave.
  22. to do lists wrapped around, trapping me like a mummy.
  23. no sugar. no caffeine. no carbs.
  24. fuck that. i need a vice.
  25. throw caution to the wind. get on the bus and be anonymous.
  26. don’t worry. bee’s got it. she can handle it. it is in good hands.
  27. dear God.
  28. “I go out into the world to seek life, and the experience I want is denied me because I carry in me a force that neutralizes it.”
  29. realest shit i have read all day. Anais gets me.
  30. grateful for the page. the only thing strong enough to hold my words and fears and dreams and fragmented pieces of me. thank you for carrying my load.
  31. the fire alarm finally went off. time to go back to sleep.

love letters…

darling,

i received your letter yesterday and i stood right next to the mailbox, in the cold, oblivious to it all as i became warmed by your words. i reread your letter as i stood in the hallway of my apartment, and then again as i lay sprawled across my bed. i felt my shoulders relax as my eyes captured all that was said and unsaid and i knew then, how much i needed you. you. the one who is hidden behind a thin shroud, allowing only the silhouette of your body, the lines of your core to taunt me. i can hear the dark fruit of your laughter, feel the heat of your breath, but i cannot touch you. would not dare touch you. cannot bring myself to touch you. so instead, i wrap the lifeline of your words around the tips of my fingers and listen to the silence as i breathe.

suddenly i am face to face with the truth. the core of you. the questions of you. the artist of you that rips through me and forces movement in pieces of me that i presumed to be dead long ago.

suddenly, right here is where the mere thought of you reminds me to turn over the leaves left to rot and seek out newness, life, words and acknowledge how you move me. honestly.

suddenly, i am dancing into the space that stands between us, my mind now free to twirl and spin and create and flail and swirl long strokes of longing onto the pages of our song until the images move past questions into hope. warm moments breathing a pulse in and out and through the rhythm created by the pattern of shivers that ensue when you leave footprints across my mind. you are magnetic. drawing me in past the elements and boundaries, giving me the space to be free. you move me. honestly. quickly. fully. completely. you do.

somehow, in my irrational mind, these feelings and mind swirls are turning my thoughts into a spectacle. blushing cheeks, overheated from a desire to be profound that simmers into comedic stumbles you call adorable because you see… me. the steady gaze of your eyes jolt my guts, and as much as your words fold me inside of my most shy self, somehow they leave me wide open and sparkling. lovely. fluid. beautiful. free.

now here i am, standing half past self-imposed limitations, marveling at how tremendously human you have become to me. you feed me with your thoughts, dangled on strings, filling my belly with life, wisdom, intrigue, poetry, revelations, sounds, mmmm, your words. standing proud, tall, pushing me past pretending into a space were monuments are moved between the rise and fall of your chest and yet, there i go again. finding myself trapped in the midst of a violent tornado of desire, wanting to be everything when you have asked for nothing except my space, time, attention, openness, and honesty. i spread these out in front of you ready to give you even more than what you asked because with you, i have found safety.

so now i will breathe, covered entirely in the softness of your words and i want to say thank you. thank you for creating the space that allows me to discover the pieces of me that i found somehow in the reaches of your smile. the dilemma no longer exists and i see now that the strings tying our worlds together are allowing me to stretch open wide and be.

i am open to you. timid, shy, inexperienced but willing to follow your lead. my hand is yours to hold. take it and lead the way.

always, in all ways,

Bee

tore my blue to pieces

goodbye hugs

hello kisses

nice to see you

again

attention

affection

attention

to detail

love

special

thoughtful

important

real

touch

details

fragments

blue

you tore my blue to pieces

and made it sing

in rainbows

and melodies

and harmonies

and whispers

i’m here

down to the place where you lead me

walking in the direction

of sunshine

possibilities

where i can stand here

and thank you

for unlocking my blue

clipping its wings

and releasing all of me

untitled 6.24.13

she sways with the confidence of a woman who has never been loved

the light in her eyes dazzles her own reflection

answers coming in waves

movement in motion to the sound of her voice

she shines burnt orange and red heat

untouchable and free

blowing with the breeze

willing to share her softness with arms wide enough to experience the high

patient with her scars

she hums the melody of her memories

watchful and waiting for the rise of the new moon

How to Fall in Love with yourself by Chelsea Fagan

This spoke to me in ways i cannot even express. i hope you enjoy this and put it into practice as i have done.

 

“How to fall in love with yourself

Stand naked in front of a mirror for a long time, under unflattering light if possible. Trace the rises and falls of the little ripples on your skin — the scars, the dimples, the cellulite — and think about how much you try to hide these things in your day-to-day. Wonder why you hate them so much, and if this hate stems from somewhere within yourself, or as a result of being told all your life that it’s wrong to have physical flaws. Wonder what you would think of your body if you never looked at a magazine, if you never thought about celebrities and models, if you never had to wonder where someone would rate you on a scale of 10. Look at yourself until the initial recoil softens, and you can consider your features in a more forgiving frame of mind.
Listen to the music which makes you want to both sob and dance with uninhibited joy, and allow yourself to repeat any song you want as many times as your heart desires. Think of the person you are when you have your favorite song in your headphones and are walking down a street you feel you own completely, swaying your hips and smiling for no good reason — remember how many things you love about yourself during those moments, how much you are willing to forgive in yourself, how confident you are for no good reason. Try to think of confidence as a gift you give yourself when you need it, instead of something you have to siphon from every unreliable source in your life. Dance because the music makes you remember how much you love yourself, not because it allows you to forget the fact that you don’t.
Write a list of all the things you like about yourself, even if you think it’s a self-indulgent and narcissistic activity. Start as early as you like in your life — put down that time you won a trophy playing little league soccer when you were eight and then got an extra-large shake at the DQ on the way home, and don’t feel silly for remembering it. Try to understand how many sources in your life happiness can come from, how many things you could be proud of if you chose to. Ask yourself why you so tightly limit the things you take pride in, why you set your own hurdles for happiness and fulfillment so much higher than you do with anyone else in your life. Let your list go on for pages and pages if you want it to.
Touch and care for yourself with the attention and the patience that you would someone you loved more than life itself. Rub lotion in small circles on your elbows and hands when it is cold and your skin is dry and cracked. Make soup for yourself when your nose is running and curl up, with your favorite movie, in a pile of expertly-stacked pillows. Light a few candles and let their glow flicker against your body. Admire how gentle they are, how delicately their warmth touches you — wonder why you don’t let yourself do the same. Soak your feet in warm water at the end of a long day, until they have forgiven you for walking on them for so long without so much as a “thank you.” Listen to your body when it aches to be touched, and don’t be afraid to give it every orgasm that you may have been too ashamed to ask for in someone else’s bed.
Be patient with yourself, and don’t worry if a switch doesn’t flip in you which abruptly takes you from “crippling self-doubt” to “uncompromising self-love.” Allow yourself all the trepidation and clumsy, uneven infatuation that you would with a promising stranger. Try only to be kinder, to be softer, and to remember all of the things within you which are worth loving. Listen to the voice in the back of your head which tells you, as much out of sadness as anger, “You are ugly. You are stupid. You are boring.” Give it the fleeting moment of attention it so craves, and then remind it, “Even if that were true, I’d still be worth loving.”
CHELSEA FAGAN

Click HERE for orginal post

freedom

she smelled like cinnamon and the last day of vacation/satisfied/rested/content.

her walk the collection of notes John Coltrane never had room to play smooth/silky/ unaware of the audience watching her coast through her day

her skin was kissed by lemon drops/ never quite golden/ never quite brown/her hue whispered the secrets of her ancestors, linking the present to the past

her smile was a thrill/connected to the deepest core of her/shining through any confusion or doubt

she knew the answers to her own questions whispering quietly, speaking only her truth…

Author, Poet, Artist